Photographic memories

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" It's been awhile since an ocean side sunrise, and longer still since our famos Lake Michigan Sunrise, of late it's been winterscaped sunrises out of the front room window, but they are all still splendid, thank you. As soon as my mind wander to the ocean, I remember days of La Jolle (said as LaHoya) I remember being there several times with Sarah as it's a favorite place we love each time, and walking it with my husband and son, Katie, too. Enjoying a different part of the world and the sunshine. Another trip would bring a lovely walk there with Grandpa Dean, who embraces all the marine life to be found in the rocks nooks and crannies, we basked in the sunshine, self portraits taken of our group as we wandered the beaches and piers. And the last time we went it was my son, Kitty, Sarah Katie and myself, seeing it all over again, loving it all over again. There is a healing like no other that comes from the Ocean, Sunshine, soft breezes, and sounds of the waves as they rush in and out, it's magical, it's natural, and it lifts the burdens right off your shoulders. So though I sit here writing in the midwest of winter, I am actually far away at the beach.

Still tripping

Who knows where it all really starts, it's so electric with intensities in everything. The streets of the city, the guitars, the warmth and intensity of finding where you belong. It thrives, you thrive. Time and life issues cast their shadows, make it fluctuate and reshape. Relationships influence, and shapeshift it some more. Despite the environmental pull it has enough strength to reshift itself back into it's core, a very intense, invisible lifeforce that still claims you, and you still belong. It still holds the deepest part of you.

Selfish Acts, and the mystery of why, defying reason

What seed is planted in humans that establishes selfish people? Was it some depravation of childhood, was it always apparent? Was it a gene? A horrible childhood? Why would you nuture it, condone it? Why would you tolerate it's constant demand to be fed? Why does it grow? Why does it thrive on demeaning others? Why would it begin to look normal to anyone? My friend of many years husband lands in the hospital for several weeks, he has multiple serious problems, artery surgery needed again in another leg, yet addiction to painkillers to be weaned off of first, that reared it ugly head after the first leg was done. Amazing she still drives, but not liking winter she has not made an attempt to go see him, nor has she talked to any of doctors. We're talking husband and wife here, 50% = the other 50%. Her sister and kids tell her off about this, and implore her to go see him. Nada. She pleads her case of she might fall and get hurt going to see him..... I am amazed, I have seen so many sides to the "human" element, the selfish side, that I have no doubts why my Mom preferred dogs to most people, it brings back my humor. I've known her for years, I was business partners with her once, but still I am amazed that the seed of self preservation is so very deep. If my spouse ever needed me I would be there, and even if he was pissed at me, I'd stay very near....whether he knew it or not...and I'd be right up those doctors asses, too. Most of all I'd want to assess how I thought it was shaping up for someone I say I love.

Giving Care & Taking Care in the soulessness of winter, January

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Saw several beautiful Winter sunrises in January 2014, glorious pinked out skies, absolutely gorgeous. One look would bring your dead winter soul back to life, and the harshness of this winter has been rather numbing, at least for me, it nearly causes shutdowns in some arenas.... So we share some things we encountered or witnessed as they played out, more to get it out of our system than anything, sometimes simple conversations revive old pains, or things we encounter bring back old ghosts, they are ghosts of people I loved and still miss. I can be percieve as a jerk sometimes and yet it is not intentional, believe me if it was intentional I'd leave no pause to wonder if it had been, a clear cut Aquarian who shoots with her own truth and could leave someone wounded with her words. No my blog is for me to put all my backburner thoughts into some type of order or structure, once down on paper I can move on better. My husband has long supported that this is my blog, I think he actually gets that it is my way of thinking it out so I can move on, keep what's good in life and walk away from what's bad. January 28th brought a new life into the family, no I have not personally seen this wonderful little baby girl yet, I have seen 3 pictures of her. As I hear of her safe birth the ghosts of mom and dad are with me, and Lauren Meghan, too. I feel across the universe how happy my folks would have been for my brothers family. I feel the relief of my niece having flown at the same stage of a pregnancy as I had flown light years before, and the alarm that that fact had caused in an aging auntie, and silent prayers realized that better endings can be had, despite old ghosts and shadows that somehow stay in your mind of self blame for so many years. Next I encounter the old woman lost in the Jewel parking lot, it was the coldest day of the year so far 17 below not including the windchill, searching for the right car, looking confused and perplexed, she's walk back to the building for a minute of safety. I drive up to her and ask what color, and make the vehicle is, she tells me and I let her know I'll redrive the parking and have a look and let her know, I find two suvs it could possibly be and as I drive back to tell her she points behind me, and says here they come, her family had brought her to shop for her one bag of groceries, yet they decided they had time to go out for lunch while she shopped, I was happy for her relief and yet pissed at the simpletons who call themselves her family. I think of my own Mom, and my care of her. And I think of a woman with a faulty memory in a spiral of the family who is still driving herself despite repeated accidents and proof of advanced alzheimer's, the girlchild tells me the state of illinois still says she can drive, and I wonder, will she remember how to get back home? The skill is remembered, but the destinations are forgotten, and many people go missing every winter, my conclusion is anger & WTF? One man at dialysis this year near halloween has memory glitches more pronounced after treatment than prior due to all the fluids drains, his wife picks him up religiously, she ran late one day so he went home with someone else from the Pace Driver system, this scared the shit out of everyone not limited to her, the staff, the other patients and caregivers, it took some hours of worry before the driver finally brought him back as the man did not remember where he lives, thus another WTF on caregivers. The staff is very cautious now about the man, and the other patients also keep watch, did his wife learn the lesson, only particially, she puts it all onto the staff, and still does not stay. Some two years+ we've seen people have to wait several hours for their ride, all sharing the same low blood pressure and need for food, bathrooms, and bed, we've seen other people who ran into problems during treatment need to be transported to the hospital, we've watched security tightened after someone would be lost to a treatment whereby their own relatives would threaten the staff members, we've heard tell of the one relative that came back with the gun for the staff person, and then they rented a security person for a time, this woman has seen it all, too. We've seen people we've known and liked miss enough treatments that the staff will finally tell us why they're not there any longer, dialysis or diabetes or heart having failed them. But apparently shopping is her thing..... And then Karen calls at work, Stuart is much worse, the combination of Glioblastoma and MS couldn't tolerate the chemo and radiation treatments so well, one condition or the other render him without working legs, he's been hospitalized for three weeks. She finds out in this time frame as the kids take over his business that he's done some possibly crazy things, he forgot to pay taxes, she's trying to get it straightened out, he's thrown away things he shouldn't and has started hiding other things in the strangest places at home and at work. She is angry, at everything, and at him for doing this. We talk 45 minutes, my boss is aware of it, but gives me a wink for helping her. I tell her a few more chapters to a story we shared 2 months ago, it gives her perpective and some of her own heart back, she drops her anger at him, and goes back to just wanting some better days for their family with him. I was reared to believe in God. I grew up on the stories of Jesus Christs adventures as describes by other men, they were mostly stories of goodness, and purity of action. Feeding the masses, healing the masses. Too many things happened somewhere along the road, but I cannot deny the Universe, it's beauties, it's mysteries, the opportunity given every day to start over. "Take a sad song and make it better" - Hey Jude, The Beatles