Taking Heart in the Holidays

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Thanksgiving Day is a time to celebrate ones thankfulness for all the blessings experienced throughout the the year, and this year was no exception, and we enjoyed our day. Other segments of the family celebrated as well off to different gatherings, one segment at a home in the north, and their own group halved at a celebration a little south. Everyone ended the day walking away with a nice feeling of warmth, and satisfaction of having seen portions of their families, a relaxing meal, and some laughter shared. My brother called the next morning and prefaced he had shocking news, I clamped down on my teeth thinking it would be either his wife or my oldest brother, I've dreaded phone calls for awhile, I am a realist when I am not a dreamer. He was right it was a shock due to age. My nephew through marriage has two sisters, he is the youngest 32, his middle sister 36 had gone to pet sit for a friend thanksgiving night, never returned, they checked on her, and she'd suffered a heart attack, already gone. How can you make sense of it? How will this highly logical young man even begin to make sense of it, his family is a tightly knit group, and she was a lively, fun loving aunt to 3 nephews and 1 niece. She lived at home and hobbied making stain glass with her dad, and provided much humor to her mother. I liked Jaimie. When the kids were getting married, Kit & I sat with Jaimie, the mom, and the grooms older sister at the shower, ours was the noisiest table, we joked that we would get thrown out due to laughing too much, Jaimie was the one who kept it all going. My husband's right, you have the next 5 minutes at best, embrace them, live each time frame and day as it comes. So you walk some distance from the good holiday knowing it will never be the same again for some parts of the family that lost one of theirs thanksgiving night.

The Ripples

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Soon, the fall and winter sunrises here are the best from our home. Homes been a little chaotic lately, not a place of refuge for us as much as it is for a medium sized girl dog our son and his significant other adopted. She is about 43 lbs, 1/2 black lab and 1/2 pittbull according to her jaw bone structure, full of energy, still a puppy in mental habits, has learn some commands, yet her pitt bull wild side at about 92% can be disruptive and absolutely crazy when she rampages, or begins to bite at her keeper, the only way to regain her mental stability and your own is too hang tough with her and gain total control which is not always pretty for either of you, especially if you love animals. What this single little animal has done to the peace of mind I usually have and my concentration span has blown me away this past month. The kids plan to move out in about 2 weeks, they've found their future haunt, closer to where our son works, many mixed feelings arose around all that, some towards empty nesting finally, some towards having grown up in that city, and all it's positives and negatives, all the crime that is so much higher there than here. A new set of concerns emerge, life will change drastically for us and for him, relationships will shift no doubt, and more adventures will develop. So the ripples of the dog and son head outward, and I am reminded of a somber moment in my life when the girl at the grave head stone store remarked: " The only thing you can count on in life, is change".

Our fellow drivers

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" We drive many places, and yet we drivers all end up driving to work 5 to 6 days a week, we are surrounded by many other drivers all conforming to some extent to the land of lincoln's rule established speeds and guideline more or less observed. We will encounter road rage at some point, someone swearing at you perhaps they were speeding and you weren't and their perception is that you cut them off. Sometimes your own driver error, whereby your own brain doesn't catch something fast enough, and you almost cause someone a problem. Other things will remain a mystery, one man this week cut in front of me rather quickly, I didn't honk, I didn't yell, but in my own vehicle I know my face grimaced, and this particular idot driver didn't like the facial expression so he waited until we started driving again, and whipped some type of sheet metal out his window at me and my vehicle hoping to make a statement of some sort, I heard it hit the drivers side of my vehicle, yet it missed the windshield I believe he'd been hoping for. Although these things amaze you a bit, I try to take it in stride. My only worry is for the crazies my boys would encounter out there.

Maria

I never knew a grandmother, So I've only gotten to watch my mom be one to our son and my brothers 2 children, and see Grandma Dolly in action with numerous grandchildren of all deepths of relationship, and observe Alice on my brother side in her Grandma role with yet another large family more grand children there than even my husbands side. When I am at the dialysis center so many of us talk, eventually knowing eachothers stories to some degree. Maria is a kindly older woman who they say is very ill due to too many conditions existing besides her kidney needs, yet she is one gentle woman. I don't know her story, I wonder if she is a grandma, no other family is ever there. In the winter I help her ( she is wheelchair bound) put her coat on against the cold, situate her purse so it close by as she waits for her pace driver. We always ask her how she fairs, "Not so good today". She has what could be a hispanic accent, but I pick up Romanian, so to me that's where she is Slovic perhaps, I grew up inChicago and have heard so many accents, it adds to the mystery. Anyhow, this is our coming and going relationship with Maria, opening a door so she can exist with her driver, well mannered encounters. She watches me with Grandpa last week from her treatment chair, I play with his socked ankle while he and I touch base, he'd been napping alittle, she see the love and care I think, for as I leave the room she stops me to tell me how much goodness I have within, I tell her thank you, she says you have some of God within you, I smile and thank her again, she does a wide sign of the cross at me, I smile again. I feel her warmth towards me and tell her I love her., and I do. As I leave the room & go back into the waiting room, I feel Maria will leave soon. Her blessing on me, and her observations are not lost, I am at my best when I am with Grandpa, and I am completely myself with him, so her warm thoughts were appreciated. I am mostly my inner child when I am with Grandpa. And of course the child thought back to a favored movie scene with Lon Channey as Larry Talbot in the original Cry of the Werewolf, and Maria and her slightly Romanian accent was the gypsey reading his palm and seeing the sign of the pentagram within his palm only minutes before he'd be attacked by the werewolf that would convert him, lol. And I make the correlation between her blessing, and his pentagram, and what his fate was shaping.

A very long tunnel

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Did you appreciate it? Did you ever think expansively of all it does in a day? The man caught me off guard enough asking me if I wanted an updating day off, I usually put in for a vacation day, and after 10 years of working with him, he actually took a guess on what the day is, that's where he really caught me off the old guard. At times I do realize how many shield upon shields of armor I have installed over the smiling lady, sometimes I am damn near vaulted, so as I drove home I wandered into the time tunnel so damn far away and sometimes so near, I can actually still feel it all. Sometimes things occur and you can't take them personally, other times you take them very personally. It's like being on the good ship lollipop one minutes, and finding yourselves plummeted into a dark deep holes of very raw feeling, bottom of the barrel distress and anguish. And it makes me miss my dog, old companion, with her sixth sense. So I wander back out of the tunnel after several emotions invoke other emotions, dust myself back off, throw up more armor, and know that yes, it should have been different, still no conclusions as to the why of how things shape, always a missed gigantic opportunty, but in truth the one did keep our hands totally full. <3 The Shadow

A heroic moment captured for the soul

"When was the last time, you saw the stars and the full moon?" I've no clue what makes one mans soul softer than another. Possibly just for balance. The stories of unkind people repeatedly broadcasted on the news daily that so go against your own morals, outweighing their counter stories of human kindness can immerse you in numbness. Maybe it is simply that all the horror you feel at school shootings, murders of rage, our own governments corruptions, big pharma blocking natural products to promote their synthetic products, and all the doctors who are too lazy to keep up on natural remedies who end up further blocking real progresses in a cure, saturates you so that you truly see the little moments, captured by the strength of the individual human nature of a being. In 1998 we, a small group of women would gather at our park for a concert by a local group called American English, they'd perform Beatles songs, a good sampling of a different time era in our lives, it is always the friday before Father's Day, 2 of the girls have birthdays the same week, so we'd always celebrate their days, together. For one reason or another we've not all made it there the past 4 years, Doris called us thursday night to tell us she was going come hell or high water, she'd bring "a bucket of chicken for picnic, try to come early." Well hell, she brought a bucket of chicken, all the sides, a cooler of everyone's favorite beverage including Kahlua & Cream for me, a table and sets of chair, blankets, table cloth, birthday cake and candles, it was truly amazing. The courage our ill breast cancer friend displayed was immense, she'd had her 2nd round of chemo started the day before, she hated what the first round did to her so much I do believe she made it through yesterday in pure defiance. And so we had picnic, conversation and laughs, as day went to night we listened to the music transported to other times in our lives by the shear memory invoked, we danced, we bounced, we sang. Earlier in the evening our Kelly found me and ran up for some hugs, she's been one of our adopted young ladies who grew up with our son Justin. She had come to see this concert with her mom, they do it yearly, love that girl. And crowning touch on the evening was when my own son walked up for a hug, and to see some of my old real estate friends he grown up around. Doris was in shock when she saw how tall her baby had gotten, and screamed in denial when he said he was 31 now, he gave her a second hug, sometimes he is just so good words escape me. Music ended, we packed up, and got it all transported back to their vehicle, hugs, thanks, and lots of love shared between the older women of 2014, extra hugs of love for Doris who made certain none of us would miss this day. She believes in God strongly, always has. Let It Be played, and she was singing. I believe in the Universe strongly. Across the Universe played and I was singing. All the women pray.

A few days of heart felt appreciation

Recently gave myself the gift of time, some vacation time, broken up into extra days for 4 weeks with weekends to make for a few mini vacations, not going anywhere but having the time to be home. Home is where the heart is in all shapes and sizes indoors and outdoors I am in love with it all. Earlier spring brings tulips, daffodils, that I planted with my own father some 28 years ago, and I marvel that they are still thriving even though he is gone 24 years this season, and forsythia's bloom in the back that Dad, Ma, Ricky and me planted together, Ma naming the bushes the Pa Bush, The Justin Tree, old jokes, old dogs, old glimpses of igloo days, leaf days of autumn float through the noggin. As spring merges into summer I have finally gotten to spend time in the yard, flowers blooming that my own palomino planted for me several years back only makes me love the place more as I watch these plants flower, and get to finally smell their scents again, the child still resides within the woman and actually gets quite happy over these little things. Old black days of threatening loss due to a failed economy recede into a background for now, as we all take a sigh of relief, and actually are finally able to find the light of enjoyment for all the beauty nature brings to us each season. I have fed the vitamin D deficiency the past four weeks with time in the sunshine, and have found I could be happy for a long term working 3 days a week (the child again), but know that can't happen. So we have fed the soul for another round. The chores of groceries, dry cleaners, drug store, banking, and other errands run at leisure instead of the usual helter skelter method on the lunch hours and after work, a few projects tackled, lists of more, give focus to one fragmented woman. Think it was William Shakespeare that coined "We cannot be all things, to all people." A humans we try, yet sometimes we fail miserably, at least in our own eyes. We are still our own worst judges. Yes, this time gave me some peace, some harmony and some more balance back. I humbly thank planet earth and all the surrounding beauty and my son and husband who tried so long to keep it all juggling for a best landing that's arrived. Margaret Mitchell who penned Gone with the Wind, had a one liner in the book, that the real estate world stole years ago for their introduction to any class on it they offered, "Under all there is the land" to them and to the insurance world it means Don't forget that the land has value, also. To me it means home and happiness.

Regression of the child within

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Yesterday morning, a work day ahead, as soon as I could I snuck out back to plant some more vegetables, and even got some flowers in quickly before I had to prepare myself for work, it was such a great feeling to be out in gardens, my hands covered with mud from the night befores rainfall, the small child within was actually well contented and happy, we had a dirt backyard the first 6 years of my life, and I had spent many hours making pretend mud soup for anyone I could offer it to, days of old ingredients for this special soup were mud, water, ugly stones ( I'd keep the pretty sparkly stones (diamonds at the age of 4), and some leaves or blossoms off the catalpa tree. This kept a small girl with two older brothers happy and content. I was very well grounded to the earth, and never one to hate having dirty hands. And so I made fast progress in trying to put some future colors in the yard for the rotation of seasonal blooming, and the child within was happy, and in harmony. Am making it a goal to be outside more often this beautiful season.

The dreamer

Night time, deep sleep, the dreamer dreams. Why we dream what we do baffles many of us, while others dream and talk in their sleep and remember absolutely nothing. And to the dreamer who does remember or wakes with a jolt after a sequence, we are sometime confused, conflicted, happy and yet shaken. Last night the dreamer saw the woman open the sliding door that lead to the dreamers when dressed for company, the woman missing for 12+ years, felt the standing hug, the dreamer asked the woman to sit down for a minutes, asked her how she was, she said she was okay, upon closer inspection the dreamer spotted some skin differences on the older womans face, reached down for another hug as reality sunk in again, and all was gone in a flash as the dreamer awakened to a rolled stomach. It was so good to see you, to hug you. To see your green eyes against the white hair, your baby face. It was so harsh in that one second to know you were still very gone. Eyes tear, love you. But it was so good to see you!

Getting through the revolving door

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" All morning, I'm happy to say. Only twice in my life did I ever walk into some type of revolving door that was the type to hold you hostage, and somehow you just couldn't get out into the sunlight and fresh air that held promise on the other side always within your view, yet intangible as the door wouldn't locate the portal. This week my honey started a new adventure. This week I took a few vacation days and did my regular weekend errands, thinking and enjoying my duties more as I went on a little leisured schedule seems to make it more fun for a change of pace. Also we gave my computer space and desk to my son this week for one my husband had built for him, at first he'd protested being given the computer ( always wanted brand new, instead of re-built), the he played with it and fell in love with the machine. Next we offered him my computer desk, he spoke of getting new, or getting one used by his gals folks that they no longer needed, and then another morning he asked me where I would go if he took my space and desk? That clinched it for me. I may look indecisive at times as I weigh things out, usually involving others I care for slows me a bit, but I am NOT an indecisive person at all, if anything I know I may be a bit rash sometimes in how fast I move on. So Thursday they both came home to relocated computers, and oddly enough that action got me through a revolving door. It made me able to walk away from the last five years, and soundly start a new chapter even as my honey did, chaos be gone. This is a new doorway we've walked through, and the sunlight is right there. Life moves on sometime with or without us, but we can sometimes make 1 gesture that frees everyone to be themselves. It's actually a freedom that now gives him the entire side of the house until he deems to find another dwelling with his lovie, coming soon but he needs more ground under him before it can happen most likely. The fun part for me is it puts me back into a room at least temporarily that was my own office of many real estate years, where my thinking is streamlined and at it's best, and sun light streams through every morning for the days fresh start. One week, and yet small segments of our time came back, to all three. Define Happiness. When things get bettered for someone you love. A Day in the Life:)

Meeting Miss Claudia

Seems light years ago we met in that tiny back room of Starcks Real Estate, so many personalities so little time, we were all rookies together, all sizes shapes, and styles thrown into a humorous pond, and that humor would only grow stronger as we fed off eachother. One odd thing of being there for the 5 years was the high cancer rate in the office, next door they took years to clean the soil on an old gas station so they could make it into something else one day. Voss and I had done our pre license schooling together and then got stuck together again for the post icense training, only to be released into this back room, 1st question of the 1st day "what do we do now?", my answer: "Let's go get office supplies for our desk and set it up". Did it, organized it, okay what now? And on and on we went baby steps, partnering together in our first real estate transactions, her off with her family boating on weekends left me doing the listing presentations the first one most notable, signed contract in hand, old heavy MLS books in brief case, set it down on the guys porch banister and leaned in, bad move as the banister which had not shared needed repair gave way and I plunged head first down the harsh corners of seven concrete steps on this raised ranch, oh my God the pain, the mortification as I was in a shirted suit, my ribs, the bruising, oh my. Not funny then but it would become a featured comical story throughout the years as we all had our own fun starts. Claudia & Rosalie arrived into our back room life next, they also wanted to partner, both had dry senses of humor, upon meeting her the first thing Claudia told me was that this was here way of retiring, she'd keep going for many years, the same number as my own. We'd move from Starck to Abbott to Coldwell Banker together and be each others back up in times of trouble or travel, and I grew to love this dry humored woman. Throw onto that that she lived in the same town, I had the toddler then and she'd help me raise him all the way through with anticpation of what waas next, we both had aging moms, we'd both lost our dads a lot sooner than we were prepared for. She'd never fess upon about when her birthday was, just generically said if she had the card by the 15th it was good, and today our darling facebook finally tells me this is her real lucky day. I can not even begin to list all the phone conversations we had throughout the years as we discussed real estate, my son and the wonder years, the bizarre twists and turns of teenage growth and adventures, own moms declines and hospices, flowers found on both porches to raise a friend up, her sons battles with Aids, her years as a grandma, her times in life where she'd take a fall and land countless injuries measured with my own falls and countless injuries, hell we even have had for light years the same doctor who now retires on us, a murder of one of her friends and neighbors that left her sickened,the Browns Murders whereby we knew someone the victims in real time and grieved for the horrible waste of that night, and last but not least two husbands that had similar personalities and humor. I was the baby in Starcks back room, Claudia turns 71 today, I am now 59 as opposed to 31 then, Voss is 69 now, but along the way we've lost Jack Holding-lung cancer, Jerry Finis - brain cancer, a growth on the outside of his ear penetrated into the inside and into his brain , Diane Zawroski- breast cancer, Fran Polichek - breast cancer, Ester La Point - Lung Cancer, there are several more but I can remember all of their names. So we came out of it with many good friendships, and we always wondered about that gas station and what we were exposed to.

Never understanding the whys

I guess I'll back up a step to monday and my first phone call of the day after I arrived at work, it was a long time client, once an airline pilot who had been married for 54 years to the same woman, a woman who had lost her memories these last 6 years, he cared for her deeply, and became very angry this year but would always generate the anger in his calls towards the insurance carrier who could not seem to deduct the correct amount of his checking no matter how many times my boss & I called them, I finally got it fixed two months back, and now the man is calling me to tell me his wife of all those years had passed, did I need anything from him for the insurances? I tell him how sorry I am that this has happened, I tell him I've been married for 37 years, and I cannot even begin to ever want to be without my partner in life, we talk a little bit more, and he thanks me for my words. Shortly after he emailed me a bio of her life, so I could appreciate all she had been. The situation stays with me thoughout my day, and my bosses day, they've lived near him for years so he's known the family for decades, stacked against my one decade. Now it is the next morning: In previous posts I'd written about two lady friends of mine that made me laugh so hard I always have trouble breathing, sometimes in Baker's Square we'd laugh so hard other people sitting near by would also start upon catching parts of the subjects they are the only ones that can reduce me to that type of laughter. I fear for my life when I'm out with them as I am likely to die from a laughing, breathless heart attack. The girls are both born in June so soon we should get together for our yearly bar-b-que, I am usually the griller, although Doris is the one that taught me to put 1/2 t of mayo into each burger so it'd stay juicy. At one point in time the 3 of us were Realtors together. But better yet friends rolled out of those doors. We meet yearly for a silly Beatles concert in the park that we've come to cherish, as our night out. We try for a pre-Christmas gathering every year. The nurses grown son thinks we other two are his Aunts, cause we were always there throughout his growing years. One emails me this morning the one who is now a nurse after having put herself through nursing school the past few years, she tells me our other friend who remained in real estate now has breast cancer stage 3, it's gone through the lymph nodes to the point that they're doing the treatment ass backwards: Chemo 1st, Radiation 2nd, and surgery last. I think to myself "liars"., my thinking gets progressively worse. I have never encounter an oncologist who could tell it like it is, why in the hell do they waste people precious time with frickn lies?. My friend is in deep shit. She'd be better off if she hit the organic food aisle's at whole foods, bought a good juicer, and went on a juice and herb self therapy binge to try and nourish the good cells., and did a detox on top of that. We will try to see if we can't sneak one more birthday grill session in. Today the child is sad, the woman is angry, and the shadow is trying to get us through our day safely. I wrote most of this yesterday, except for the first paragraph, and I am thankful that tuesday night my own dear mate tried hard to give me some better perspectives on tuesday emails from Laura about Doris which included Stage 3 and Treatment at Cancer Centers of America, my spouse points out that they have a better survival rate than the majority, and he says maybe their approach makes more sense than the one used most commonly. Hope is a beautiful thing.

Being blessed, and enjoying it

I am blessed. I have had a good run, I have had my own two parents whom I loved. I have my own two brothers, who shared so many fun moments growing up and all the strife as well, siblings that know where you came from and usually understand where you've gotten to even if it's not their cup of tea, they do understand and accept. I have a wide array of life sisters who all carry a different color to make up a very cool rainbow in my life. I have a son who has brought me so many years of life enjoyment and various forms of humor, yet touches my soul by his intelligence, his love of music and literature, his love of the arts, and last but not least his love of children. I have my spousal unit who is so much more to me than words could ever describe, he has been beside me for the better part of 39 years, 2/3 of our lives, my young romantic, my very best friend, truly my other half as I try to weigh something out, whether he's with me or not he's entrenched in my brain waves so that sometimes I can't tell where one leaves off and the other picks up the thought process. He's got a knack of reducing to the ridiculous bottom line that can halt me in my tracks. We've been together for the best of days and for all the hardest days, too. To say you love and enjoy someone so much after all this time would be probably be comical to some, but it can actually exist. And Grandpa, he's my sons Grandpa on the paternal side, my husbands father, a dad to many, a friend to many of us that walk onto his porch. I'd have to say that most of his growth came after retirement. So many subjects of interest throughout the years, and now his finally having time to read and delve into all of them one by one, until he found out which ones would keep his interests, and all the sharing of information he has done with all of us who would have common interests. A great deal of care goes into his sharing, there are so many of us, and so many interests intertwined with what he spots as our own personal needs at a given visit, he is our giving tree, and yet as he's impacted us with herbs, universal theories, some religious theories, the arts, books on healing, pressure points, you name it, he's made us into givers, too. And to think we started out with mere astrology so many years back. Now more and more when someone comes to the house for a visit, they leave hopefully with some expanded thoughts, or sometimes with a bottle of herbs and a new found interest in natural things that could replace big pharma in many instances. Each visit is looked forward to, a time for conversation, and some mind expansion our work days don't give a wide berth to, and a deep appreciation for one more day, are some of the gifts that have evolved. Grandpa's gift has been that he's cared about so many of us, and always sees us as our individual souls, and he always feeds the soul. How many people could say that of their retirement years? Yes quite simply, we enjoy Grandpa, and we're still learning. Blessed:)

Defining Happiness

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" A rainy week, sunrises were sparse, but today it streams though our front windows, and I take a minute to appreciate it, to bask in a morning that woke us up, and got us started off in our own mutually agreed on directions. I do really appreciate the simplicity and complexity of us waking, every single morning I reach out....if he's still there I sleep, if he's not I wake, this is my alarm clock. As I get my coffee, I add on that more members of the household are were they should be, and throughout a day I access via media such as face book, cell phone calls or lack of calls what else is still in balance for the time being. Each day is a gift, truly. As long as this goes on we are happy, we being the child, the woman and the shadow of all. Simple, simple. I did think I saw this morning someone with a lighter step walking out the door, he's worked hard and long at trying to get a piece of his own puzzle back into a better place, and has assurances now that his own days and waking should be lighter in the future. Simple, complex, these are big wins. Now we will all be able to be happy for the simplicity of waking each morning, and seeing the sunrise with all she offers us. The child, the woman, and the shadow all thank the universe to whom we cast our thoughts out to. We are happy.

Good Morning Glory

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Well not today, I missed it, this was the day of spring forward on our clocks in the midwest, and this old woman was very tired it seems, so I woke up to full sunshine. There could never be said enough good about the sun and what she provides for us humans on planet Earth, but she does a lot spiritually as well for mankind. Spring items on my future list: glimpses of first flowers peaking through, first green grass, first butterflies, first robin to make my wish upon, first soft breeze, first 70 degree day, cleansing rains to wash away winter decays and bring new life to the land, my list is endless. I am excited for the upcoming spring and all it's gifts. My belief is it will revive us all, and bring us stamina.

March 2014, please come in, bring some magic.

If you're born to the midwest generally you feel autumn begin the last few weeks of August and continue through November, Winter first bites you in December and that is just it's beginning. Snows and freezing rains, sub zero temperatures continue on throughout January, and February. The landscapes can be beautiful, they be stark, cold, and you feel the darkness of longer nights. March will bring daylight savings time back to our lives, and one would hope they will bring thaws of much accumulated snows, warmth of sunlight, and eventually glimpses of green grass. March 1st and 2nd brought us more snow, 6 - 8 inches, we'll decide while we shovel it. This Winter brought the problem of "where to put anymore snow". Enough, bring us sunlight, flowers reborn, birds singing us awake, bring us a colorful world of grass and blue skies, please bring us some warmth. March can do anything she wants to with mother natures, she has a magic wand:)

Photographic memories

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" It's been awhile since an ocean side sunrise, and longer still since our famos Lake Michigan Sunrise, of late it's been winterscaped sunrises out of the front room window, but they are all still splendid, thank you. As soon as my mind wander to the ocean, I remember days of La Jolle (said as LaHoya) I remember being there several times with Sarah as it's a favorite place we love each time, and walking it with my husband and son, Katie, too. Enjoying a different part of the world and the sunshine. Another trip would bring a lovely walk there with Grandpa Dean, who embraces all the marine life to be found in the rocks nooks and crannies, we basked in the sunshine, self portraits taken of our group as we wandered the beaches and piers. And the last time we went it was my son, Kitty, Sarah Katie and myself, seeing it all over again, loving it all over again. There is a healing like no other that comes from the Ocean, Sunshine, soft breezes, and sounds of the waves as they rush in and out, it's magical, it's natural, and it lifts the burdens right off your shoulders. So though I sit here writing in the midwest of winter, I am actually far away at the beach.

Still tripping

Who knows where it all really starts, it's so electric with intensities in everything. The streets of the city, the guitars, the warmth and intensity of finding where you belong. It thrives, you thrive. Time and life issues cast their shadows, make it fluctuate and reshape. Relationships influence, and shapeshift it some more. Despite the environmental pull it has enough strength to reshift itself back into it's core, a very intense, invisible lifeforce that still claims you, and you still belong. It still holds the deepest part of you.

Selfish Acts, and the mystery of why, defying reason

What seed is planted in humans that establishes selfish people? Was it some depravation of childhood, was it always apparent? Was it a gene? A horrible childhood? Why would you nuture it, condone it? Why would you tolerate it's constant demand to be fed? Why does it grow? Why does it thrive on demeaning others? Why would it begin to look normal to anyone? My friend of many years husband lands in the hospital for several weeks, he has multiple serious problems, artery surgery needed again in another leg, yet addiction to painkillers to be weaned off of first, that reared it ugly head after the first leg was done. Amazing she still drives, but not liking winter she has not made an attempt to go see him, nor has she talked to any of doctors. We're talking husband and wife here, 50% = the other 50%. Her sister and kids tell her off about this, and implore her to go see him. Nada. She pleads her case of she might fall and get hurt going to see him..... I am amazed, I have seen so many sides to the "human" element, the selfish side, that I have no doubts why my Mom preferred dogs to most people, it brings back my humor. I've known her for years, I was business partners with her once, but still I am amazed that the seed of self preservation is so very deep. If my spouse ever needed me I would be there, and even if he was pissed at me, I'd stay very near....whether he knew it or not...and I'd be right up those doctors asses, too. Most of all I'd want to assess how I thought it was shaping up for someone I say I love.

Giving Care & Taking Care in the soulessness of winter, January

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Saw several beautiful Winter sunrises in January 2014, glorious pinked out skies, absolutely gorgeous. One look would bring your dead winter soul back to life, and the harshness of this winter has been rather numbing, at least for me, it nearly causes shutdowns in some arenas.... So we share some things we encountered or witnessed as they played out, more to get it out of our system than anything, sometimes simple conversations revive old pains, or things we encounter bring back old ghosts, they are ghosts of people I loved and still miss. I can be percieve as a jerk sometimes and yet it is not intentional, believe me if it was intentional I'd leave no pause to wonder if it had been, a clear cut Aquarian who shoots with her own truth and could leave someone wounded with her words. No my blog is for me to put all my backburner thoughts into some type of order or structure, once down on paper I can move on better. My husband has long supported that this is my blog, I think he actually gets that it is my way of thinking it out so I can move on, keep what's good in life and walk away from what's bad. January 28th brought a new life into the family, no I have not personally seen this wonderful little baby girl yet, I have seen 3 pictures of her. As I hear of her safe birth the ghosts of mom and dad are with me, and Lauren Meghan, too. I feel across the universe how happy my folks would have been for my brothers family. I feel the relief of my niece having flown at the same stage of a pregnancy as I had flown light years before, and the alarm that that fact had caused in an aging auntie, and silent prayers realized that better endings can be had, despite old ghosts and shadows that somehow stay in your mind of self blame for so many years. Next I encounter the old woman lost in the Jewel parking lot, it was the coldest day of the year so far 17 below not including the windchill, searching for the right car, looking confused and perplexed, she's walk back to the building for a minute of safety. I drive up to her and ask what color, and make the vehicle is, she tells me and I let her know I'll redrive the parking and have a look and let her know, I find two suvs it could possibly be and as I drive back to tell her she points behind me, and says here they come, her family had brought her to shop for her one bag of groceries, yet they decided they had time to go out for lunch while she shopped, I was happy for her relief and yet pissed at the simpletons who call themselves her family. I think of my own Mom, and my care of her. And I think of a woman with a faulty memory in a spiral of the family who is still driving herself despite repeated accidents and proof of advanced alzheimer's, the girlchild tells me the state of illinois still says she can drive, and I wonder, will she remember how to get back home? The skill is remembered, but the destinations are forgotten, and many people go missing every winter, my conclusion is anger & WTF? One man at dialysis this year near halloween has memory glitches more pronounced after treatment than prior due to all the fluids drains, his wife picks him up religiously, she ran late one day so he went home with someone else from the Pace Driver system, this scared the shit out of everyone not limited to her, the staff, the other patients and caregivers, it took some hours of worry before the driver finally brought him back as the man did not remember where he lives, thus another WTF on caregivers. The staff is very cautious now about the man, and the other patients also keep watch, did his wife learn the lesson, only particially, she puts it all onto the staff, and still does not stay. Some two years+ we've seen people have to wait several hours for their ride, all sharing the same low blood pressure and need for food, bathrooms, and bed, we've seen other people who ran into problems during treatment need to be transported to the hospital, we've watched security tightened after someone would be lost to a treatment whereby their own relatives would threaten the staff members, we've heard tell of the one relative that came back with the gun for the staff person, and then they rented a security person for a time, this woman has seen it all, too. We've seen people we've known and liked miss enough treatments that the staff will finally tell us why they're not there any longer, dialysis or diabetes or heart having failed them. But apparently shopping is her thing..... And then Karen calls at work, Stuart is much worse, the combination of Glioblastoma and MS couldn't tolerate the chemo and radiation treatments so well, one condition or the other render him without working legs, he's been hospitalized for three weeks. She finds out in this time frame as the kids take over his business that he's done some possibly crazy things, he forgot to pay taxes, she's trying to get it straightened out, he's thrown away things he shouldn't and has started hiding other things in the strangest places at home and at work. She is angry, at everything, and at him for doing this. We talk 45 minutes, my boss is aware of it, but gives me a wink for helping her. I tell her a few more chapters to a story we shared 2 months ago, it gives her perpective and some of her own heart back, she drops her anger at him, and goes back to just wanting some better days for their family with him. I was reared to believe in God. I grew up on the stories of Jesus Christs adventures as describes by other men, they were mostly stories of goodness, and purity of action. Feeding the masses, healing the masses. Too many things happened somewhere along the road, but I cannot deny the Universe, it's beauties, it's mysteries, the opportunity given every day to start over. "Take a sad song and make it better" - Hey Jude, The Beatles

Nothing Else .............."What was that for?"

I think we all have a sunny side, and that we all also have a dark side. I can be a joker, but when I am deadly serious, whoa boy even I can feel the deadliness of the mood. We have a variety of things go smoothly for us, and then we hit the roller coaster ride down, and we have no idea if we'll land safely. For some the economy has had a lingering effect, knocking the stuffing out of the people it besieged. Tough, yet not if you know your bottom line, a capability to see the big picture, see what matters most in that big picture, and to recognize what is bunny fluff you may have grown used to. What really matters to you the very most? Do you know your own self, or do you disguise your feelings by piling crap on them rather like decorations on a tree, so you can't really see the beauty of the tree itself? So going back to deadly serious, "Nothing Else Matters" Metallica and their finest contribution in this girls eyes : Lyrics: So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they say Never cared for games they play Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know And I know So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are No nothing else matters Read more: Metallica - Nothing Else Matters Lyrics | MetroLyrics

A Cold Reality to the Insurance Agency

I have worked at the insurance agency for 10 years, and in those years you do come to enjoy some of your customers, just as you'd like to throttle others, and yes I have a few I could actually pop through the phone for, one very rude and arrogant woman who always would call, complain in the form of screaming at you and then she'd slam dunk the phone as hard as possible in your ear, she's some fun....she does the same thing to my boss who owns the agency. It is people like her that make you appreciate the others who are calm, cool, and collected, some of them are that way no matter what. And so some you will become more attached to, you have a phone relationship, or many emails exchanged as you go about the business of renewing their policies or making changes to their coverage's. A husband and wife we've had for their personal insurance and also for his business insurance, a kind and simple man, he'd even referred other friends to us who were in the same line of business as he, friendly competitors so to speak. He's had MS for a few years, some new symptoms appeared and he went in for scans, and MRI's, loaded gun glioblastoma reared it's very ugly head again, it is the bitch of all brain tumors. Brain surgery for the Thanksgiving holidays, a lovely way to spend the holidays, they're told it's all gotten out, they do not know it's cell structure as glio yet, the man actually returns back to his business within 7 days of being released from the hospital, two weeks later at the follow up visit with the oncologist they are told what type of cell structure and of chemo & radiation schedules. The husband always handled the bills, now the wife takes over, she's a bottom line realist, we work at making payments and getting some neglected accounts brought up to date, we talk. We talk a lot about options, family, and other friends who have encountered this relentless very silent killer. We talk of lessons learned in life and that sometimes we are nicely presented with "Time to say our I love you's", and other times we are robbed of that, they have a large family, so many different personality types, some will need the time more than others. She writes me this morning that his car and himself can be taken off the auto policy, the auto's been sold, and they know by symptoms that it's not safe for him to drive anymore. I am sad for them, and sometimes I can truly feel others pains. No doubt the business will be next. And on and on....until I get the call to take him off the home policy. Some have died from heart attacks, some from altzheimers, some have been related to my boss like Uncle Roy, one was a contractor who shot himself when the bottom of the housing market crashed, all touch you, yet two of them have struck a nerve. When was the last time you saw the sunrise?

Page 1 of 365

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Too early yet for a sunrise here, but most likely due to the snows, it would be overcast this morning. 2013 has now tottered off to it's magical cupboard, a place where eventually someone will retrieve it momentarily, dust it off a bit, have a memory or two, and stick it back until another day. 2014 on the other is a blank notebook, pages 1-365 unwritten as yet, all of us equal in not knowing what it will bring, and all hoping it brings some great days with it, at the very least bringing more days with loved ones and good friends. Time does mellow us all, and I did seem to notice more recently how much more I value all that there is, an expansive, all that there is, family is still the first priority of all that there is. And I still wish them enough.