The Solitary Soul

Life's disappointments arrive on the pathways, challenging our beliefs, along with our maths. People on the pathway will voice their opinions, right and wrong our decisions, called into question, The solitary soul feels what they are thinking. At time's we are mocked, ridiculed for past actions, And even now, as we still care quite deeply for others, for values and principles which have become so ingrained, that's what made us different from the most common man, The solitary soul still sees the difference. As far back as memory allows me to think, I've looked out these eyes, and witnessed my world, understanding and tolerance have tempered my love, and loves given a wide berth to more and to most, forgiveness is possible with this solitary soul. kms

The Daily News, crime up, chaos increased

We read the newspapers, and it's odd but it seems everything has run out of balance: Egypt having riots, Social Security doesn't have enough funds and need something done to fund it (alittle different from the lying sacks of shit who have maintained it was solidly funded), State cutting more programs and not able to fund so many needed programs, Cities that are running in the red and cutting programs, crimes committed by Crack addicts and Junkies are up, home invasions are up, robberies of every category private and public are up, doesn't seem the desperate people are committing the crimes-more of them have too much pride to change their integrity now, but the riffraff is multiplying out of hand as the police are cut. Just in general conversations with people I've encountered since the one guy tried to talk me out of my money at the bank drive up, and since the night another tried to gain access to our home with his car break down story, I been told twice of different Hoffman Estates scams to gain entry to homes or cars. And this is winter time, a time when crime is usually lower as no one wants to be out in the elements any longer than necessary. It makes you wonder what summer will bring to the towns. The right to have arms still holds in most towns and I believe that is a good thing in case more chaos ensues. I think too many components are running backwards, who is going to reign in the rule breakers when it's stepped up a few notches? With all levels of government running in the red, and all the program cuts, I still see collapse ahead, not recovery, and I am only working off instincts and reading the writing on the wall as I always did.

Life segments

I looked over my shoulder, and they were gone. Life's chapters could be divided into Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. Then the decades or the years could become sub chapters. I played some youtube oldies out in the 70's this morning, took me back to when we met. Strange timing to meet through other people just because we pulled our cars over so you and my bro could firm up concert plans for that night, Shawn Phillips if I remember right. And then the party the next week at his apartment, pursue, pursue, third strike out, I give up and then you come and find me. And our 3rd time out with guitars, playing on a cold night in the park. That was when I decided I didn't want to part with you, I wanted you in my life, solid. So Spring, Summer, and part of Fall have passed, it's been quite a roller coaster ride, and I selfishly ask for more. More time, More chapters. We've remained so simple despite life's complexities. Your birth stone was very accurate, you are a diamond.

How many cooks are in the kitchen?

A day. 24 hours. Increments thereof. We have three chefs in our kitchen, and in our home. We each spend a day differently bringing ingredients into our own life individually, and also getting that life flavor achieved when you put us all back together each evening. Since we run three different paths that will re-cross, it is very interesting to me to see what each finds important in their day. One is looking for a job, he wants a better job that will finally answer all seasons, possibly with benefits. When he's not busy with that task he does household management ranging from snow & ice removal to cleaning to computer maintenance. And some nights he cooks dinner. Oddly enough another looks for work in yet again a profession that's been hit hard by layoffs, most of the school districts requiring him to complete online packets and some wanting online packets backed up by paper packets to be mailed in for considerations. He also has student loans looming over his head every time he stops his schooling, now is not the time so he continues his masters, and takes two remaining classes that will broaden his teaching horizon by 3 more years of 6-8th grades by Mid April, which might lend him a more rounded scope when next submitting his packets, March should bring more student teaching experience at a different level which will also help regain stale confidences once known to him a year back. He is our own personal google and has his hands on the pulse of what happens in the world each day, and time marks life for his father and I who are just slowly walking through time trying to survive at some known standard to us. He also cooks some evenings. Me, I am the trick bag working days, in the winter they all seem long and forever before I come back home at night, most times they know what they're talking about and I am mildly clueless as I've missed the first 1/2 of their day. Some evenings errands are run on the way home and they wait to unload a vehicle of whatever rabbits I endeavored to find. A near depression hits on nights I walk in and no dinner is thought of yet, but I try to hide it by getting ready some meal to have in the evening time slot, motivated by either love of them or by survival of having frickn bannanas or cherio's for my own lunch which I've come to hate most food in my day path. My brains used up from the day, my hearts used up from the months, not much inside this shell, except love of family. Bring it up and out, usually can after I've landed for a few moments. Weekends are for bills, and for projecting more bills versus income, keeping a sort of budget projection sheet, doing any paperwork needed for the household, real grocery shopping, any clothes re-organizations, repairs, and thank God for football during it's season as sunday afternoons that's what I'd prefer to do......Cooking although my spouse still helps out if he sees I'm dragging, and there you have it, we're off to monday again, usually a brutal day as all our insured's finally read their mail on saturday and sunday. Winter brings more claims for road accidents, phones stay busy. Is it any wonder I love bar b que season so well? Then at night I get two hours out in the yard, music playing from the yard speakers, watching my animals of the wild do cute or silly things, inspecting my beloved flowers, watching my spouses face as he expounds a point with humor. So three threads that dance their various tunes by day, merge into a larger thread by night and create an entirely different fabric. Three cooks are usually in the kitchen eventually in our house, I wonder if that makes the food better or just a more intricate experiment? It is January 27th, and I can dance thru February my own birth monday if I know I can get to a mild day in spring to see my own back yard again, can't I?

I am only human

I looked over my shoulder, and they were gone. Yes, indeedy. That one of my husbands favorite diddleys, yes, indeedy. I am only human, I make my share of mistakes. And sometimes try to repair them, leaving others that were made. That is the reasoning used, when I try so hard to correct, other mistakes I encounter, as I walk along life's path. If I leave one unattended, by itself it seem to complex into multiple mistakes, leaving chaos in wait, as it compounds into too many. I shall pass this way but once.............

The State of the Union

The State of the Union speech addressed many fine points and accomplishments, it spoke of working together not as parties but as the people's representatives, all sitting together intermingled this time so that you couldn't see the unresponsive members as well, nor would some sit like lumps while their neighbor stood and clapped. It addressed many issues, challenges, spending and cuts mentioned in the same sentence, wars ending, wars continuing. A reference made to 9.5 unemployment which is still nowhere near the doubled number that is in reality when taking into account all the self employed and small businesses that have gone under, those particular bodies are still not included in the casualty lists by the news media nor the government.* It did make reference to making a more equalized tax rate for people and corporations no more breaks for one unless given to the other was the tone. This would be highly interesting.* It was a good speech, set in a great toned room, now let's see if they can really work together. One point made was the freedom to work together and hammer it out can still only happen in America.* So the people of the lessened class turn off their tv's and head to bed, and wonder how the hell they will continue year after year until some type of housing construction re-appears?

Clone Games on play off day

If it was hard to watch the Bears-Packers Game yesterday, it was very hard to see a clone game with the Jets-Steelers, which shaped and play out very similarly, including both being outside games in the freezing cold. Mind over matter is something we were taught as we grew, and it was re-enforced as young adults. I did not see that theory exhibited yesterday by all four teams, only two teams, oddly enough the ones that walked away winners. The losing quarterbacks who are to motivate and lead their teams acted already in the first quarter as if the were going to lose, what made that happen? Was it the cold? I wonder what is being taught out there currently to get people through the really rough times?

Dot, Dean & how Sunshine was born

I looked over my shoulder, and they were gone. We don't email anymore, Aunt Dot's tired, think the Vertigo really limited being up and about, she was the one that told me to write. She was my 1st influence on blogging and her brother supplied the means and made me my first blog site which only holds a few thoughts in it, eventually I cut and pasted into this blog, and just kept Sunshine as she utilized my humor poking fun at myself, who is sometimes a sentimental ray of sunshine, and at times is anything but sunshine, oddly enough Sunshine had been one of my many nicknames in this 56 years of life on planet earth. Blogging can be about a craft, books one has read, it can be about a business source, some have blogs of poetry, some write short stories, mine became about real life events, coping with those events, some of the most touching and loving moments in my life and in the life of people I truly have loved both present and gone, thoughts, past experiences versus mistakes made over and over, human injustices in the news, and some human injustices I'd see play out in the family life we've experienced on both sides of our coin, funny that sometimes I'd be talking about my side of the coin/family, and yet I'd get in trouble with the other side as they thought it had to do with them, so as time passes you become very skittish. The blog which is mine, written by me, breathed into life by me, has been a bad boy at times, as the rebel in me searches for simple truths. Truth can be a very hard item to keep in plan sight, sometimes 18 different people can see a different truth. Marvelous that all 18 could possibly be right. It's the little portions they leave out of the truths that become the problem. Most of my work years have been spent serving in some type of customer service at a corporate level, and also when self employed as an active Realtor for 25 years, and now again as an Administrative Assistant to an Insurance Agency, this has trained me to listen and watch for the TRUTH, and to also be looking for the BOTTOM LINE. My truth is more streamlined, add to the fun, and I can usually see both sides of a coin. Even when it's spinning on a table I know where the coin should land in order for things to remain in balance. There are people in our lives who will not let the coin land where it should. It is those people who will again pull me back to them with undivided attention. Thank God there are only a few people I've encountered who will stand strong on 2 WRONGS BEING A RIGHT, when nothing good comes to us permanently without a lot of deep understanding of all other humans encountered. So, enough said, blogs should only be read with an open mind and heart whether you're a reader or the author.

Walking a cautious line

A question my subconscious keeps throwing at me: "To what extent do you use up all resources available to save a dream?" When is enough, simply enough! If you've depleted everything you can think of, how will start over, if starting over becomes a mandate? The subconscious comes into high power on drives to work, hiding in the back of the mind while you work, and especially mine loves to converse with me while I sleep which might explain why I get up at 1:30am on weekends when I should be sleeping to repair the weeks chaos, and I think she is a greedy beggar until she gets her ever nagging point across. I tell her I never asked for this. She does not care. I tell her I only wanted to keep my loved ones with me and cared for. She does not care. I tell her maybe something will break loose soon. She does not care. I tell her let me figure it out month to month. She does not care. She echoes out her bottom lines, she mocks us throughout a week or month, she adds more weight than should be shouldered, she is a miserable slut who only tries to make us cry. When outside parties send us another round, she laughs, and points to road she thinks will answer. She is a most miserable bitch, this thing we call a subconscious. Sometimes I think I am going this round just to fight with her and put her in her place. She doesn't care, she feels the same way about me.

January 2011 & Crime Potentials

Ok, I have to agree with my oldest brother who told me for some reason all the crazies in were magnetized to me, it's happening again: Two weeks ago I was the bank sandwiched in between two drive machines and a guy walks up to the truck...say his car broke down across the street, family stranded, hungry, spent their last money on rent, could I help them out and take out money for them....I tell him to get away from my truck & I'll think about it............. Friday night our doorbell rings, most people open their door to see who it is, I don't I look through the side window and crack it a bit to hear what this strange to me man wants: " His car broke down across the street", this tired but lame bitch smiles thinking she's heard this line before: he wants to come in so he can use our phone to call his buddy for a ride, he's wearing a stocking cap, he's got a business card in one hand and alludes to numbers on it, he's got a small bag in his other hand ( we think it housed a gun) I'm wearing my cell phone so I whip it out and ask him what number he needs called, he tries for coming in again not wanting to use my cell minutes, but then rattles off his number to be called which goes to a voicemail that sounds like a bar background (wholesome) and never clicks over for a message to be left, he tells me if his friend calls back to tell him to pick him up across the street. My hubby watches him cross the street...there's no car over there but a car comes down our street meets him at the corner and away they drive. I label the phone number I had dialed as "Dumb ass at the door" as I have memory flaws of a peculiar nature and sometimes need something jarring to make a connection, past recall great, current not so great. The phone rings about 5 minutes after they've left...it says Dumb ass at the door...my husband answers it, they want to know who it is, he says "no who's this?" Click, their gone.... I've left it in my phone in case they try to catch me off guard somewhere up the road. Hears the clincher for me: I would hope that if another human being is ever really and honorably empty of a few simple dollars well I hope I would recognize this, and be able to respond honorably. Not to give money to a junkie, a crack addict, a low life out robbing people, but if someone ever needed food to get through a day, I sure the hell hope I will know it. I am at times a hard woman, but I have never aimed at being an uncaring person. My husband says it's simple, if someone was honorable they wouldn't ask for help in that manner. In the current economy, I am not so sure how a true needing soul would act.

Seanna Michaela 1/12/2011

"Do more than exist-LIVE! Do more than touch-FEEL! Do more thank look-SEE! Do more than hear-LISTEN! Do more than talk-SAY SOMETHING!" - John Harsen Rhoades Yesterday was a long but beautiful day for your family, as white is to black, it was exactly the extreme opposite of 6/7/2007, as it totally re-united a family in joy and happiness in a celebration of life, a new life with a fresh path to be walked. This new arrival will have fortified them with a new bank of fresh good memories, and many more to come. It will enable them to finally & truly move on. All of our Gods and the spirit willing we will have much fun on this path.

Danielle's Pain 1/11/2011

Dear Danielle: I know and understand your pain, A pregnancy of nine weeks monitored by doctors too much I thought as they hauled you in week after week to check a fetal heartbeat, I believed they were stressing you out too much worrying you with thoughts of the heart rate slowing down too much. I was so sorry to hear your news of no heartbeat, I know how much you and your boys wanted this celebration of love. Words cannot convey any logic for this happening, other than sometimes bad things happen to the very finest people, end of story. May light and happiness come back your way one day soon. The Adopted Auntie

Family & Caring

It amazes me sometimes to find how deeply all of our families care about us, sometimes I think maybe I start to feel isolated, and the phone rings, they converse and ask questions checking in on us, making certain we're all good or still standing. And then I laugh at myself. I am still a silly girl. A family always cares, and sometimes just a few nice and kind words can do you more good and speed you on your way to the next day, week, better for the conversions, and definitely better than the self imposed isolation. Silly girl, smile.