Christmas 2010

Christmas Eve 2010 as opposed to many of the past, we are all quieter than we used to be, our various adventures in life have taken away some of our zip, but it is still good to see all who are home. A little conversation to catch up with eachother, we don't contribute as much as what's to say this year and last year are evil twins, last year we knew we'd make winter to spring, this year we are doubtful? So we keep the conversation to the other ones present, and still have some moments of warmth and affection. Christmas Day is spent with more family, two good cooks, nieces and nephews, lots of warmth laughter and love, an awkward and saddened grace said, showing we appreciate what we have, hope all of our paths will correct themselves, and yet we all tear up for missing you, it has not gotten easier, only more apparent. And today I will see my side of the family, and get caught up with them, and have some more warmth of heart. My brothers family. One mystery moment captured by my spouse last night: John Lennon's " and so this is Christmas" comes on the radio, and our non believer turns up the volume to say he loves us and remembers much. Christmas has reached him, and reeled him in for his own moment.

The Possible Real Meaning of my Religion 12/25

I was born, christened and reared as a Catholic. My beliefs were strong. With the passage of time they became weaker in given areas than others, as situations were lived through whereby nothing made any sense. And then a year or two years back I watched Zietgiest, the movie online. And all of the pieces came cha chink into place with a rapid speed, much of the other puzzle pieces fit. So what results did all that bring: A woman who sees the beauty of the stories we called gospels in my growing years, the bible aside, all of the gospels had lessons by which to live your life, it told of all the choices for good versus evil, I love them still as I love them learning to read out of my Father's prayer book on sundays, his beautiful hands holding that book so I could see, that was before misallettes became a high fashion of a changed church. I still love the story of baby Jesus, Jerusalem, Nazareth, the Evil King Herod a man who would slaughter babies ( Hitler, Bosnia-Croasia), the birth of Jesus whereby all the adults and animals protect a young babe which we still do today. A story of a young man being taught his values, and his own choices made to sacrifice for someone else. A story of family, and how they survive together, and love well together, until the end of their days. One day put aside for Peace and family, one day to say how well the other is loved. Yes, I still think it is all one of the greatest stories ever told. The Father, Son and the Holy Spirit mean simply to me: The trinity was the love of parents and children, and that we should never try intentionally to hurt someone else's spirit, and we should care for our own spirits as well as that's who make us each a unique individual full of caring and love for the other. Merry Christmas, no matter what your full beliefs are. This works for me.

The end of the big blue saga

So given the little or no choice that would have been an option with big blue and their crazy lengthy exclusion, I was advised few win on appeal, the letter that was to help from the doctor would have just been another nail in the proverbial coffin, so my only real choice left was to go onto the much costlier, higher deductible, and less well care group plan through my office, it will reduce my net check by one third which is a major blow, but I still believe I have my priorities right here, it's only my people that matter, the rest is a shell, all of it, Example take the people out of a house = result a shell. Take the people out of a life = result a shell. Sometimes my boss tells me I put too much emphasis on winning, no not really, only when it comes to my principles, principles I find lacking in others at times especially the big corps lining their pocket. So to Big Blue the child says: Ok you tried to beat us up and spit us out after a lifetime of collecting monies from us, but although this new plan is going to beat the shit out of us, you're still stuck with us for awhile to come, and YOU DIDN'T Win ENTIRELY!

Christmas or the 2011 Countdown

A long year rolls to a close, the Christmas holidays are just ahead: 26th book with one portion of the family, 25th booked with another, we left the 24th open as we usually would land in a given place that day, sounds like that got moved to the 25th.....so bad kids that we are, we will still go the 24th as the 25th is already booked, Santa tends to put coal in our stockings no matter how much we try to keep our dates straight. She laughs. Well we will leave loving cards for anyone we end up missing It's been a long and crazy year, work as busy and intricate as the private sector, much paperwork at both places, I've turned into a perpetual file person with a phone glued to my ear, fingers on a keyboard that clacks instead of producing music of any category. Until I was older I was always timid about my music, now that I am older I just don't care what anyone makes of my skills. Same at work, bad attitude perhaps, but I usually get it done, although questioned for my methods, but if it's my work load I feel I need my own freedoms and organizational skills to manage not other peoples...except for one who owns the right to comment. At home I am a comicozy pilot with the papers, totally my schedule, until my office is bursting at the seams and floor space is no longer visiable then my better half will tell me it's time to do something with it all. I know we're all suppose to keep some many years records but really this year I would rather burn it all, too much was touched, too much was a haunter come back for one more resifting for someone's purpose. So looking forward to seeing people the next few holidays, but I will shove 2010 out the door, and grab father time and demand he march 2011 in. 2011 is already promising to make more changes, but sometimes change will bring relief and peace as it ebbs at you. So a few vacation days, perhaps we might get to baking...perhaps not, a number of errands to do today and tomorrow, a little fun, and then onto closing out 2010, and seeing what 2011 has up it's sleeve. Merry Ho Ho

The Picture

"Do more than exist-LIVE! Do more than touch-FEEL! Do more thank look-SEE! Do more than hear-LISTEN! Do more than talk-SAY SOMETHING!" - John Harsen Rhoades The picture on this blog captured much, the talker was talking and taking the pictures, he crops up with camera in hand when you least expect it, and captures a more relaxed subject matter, mild reactions, in this one he captured us relaxed and enjoying a day, took several shots before he moved on to the next captive audience. Beside us captured, this also caught your rose bush, unbeknownst to the family the rose bushes captured my attention from fall of 2006 until they were chopped down, they were yours to tend, Grandpa was the only who knew I fretted, emailed, and watched their various stages, and question on when and how they should cut back. Everything changed slowly at first, and then horrendously for many, it is all different, all of our lives are different, we've all been moved to another time and place, some of us have had our interior lives rejockeyed to a point where we barely recognize them, our roles all remodeled into something different with a very hard cold clay. I speak of the economy and the changes it brought to most. Many phone conversations would have come your way seeking advice as always. And the patience you excercised with me would have extended, as I still would have thrown you that humor that made you laugh. But youngest Santa when I see the rose bush in the picture, I still smile and think of you.

My friend from 3rd grade & his battle

"Do more than exist-LIVE! Do more than touch-FEEL! Do more thank look-SEE! Do more than hear-LISTEN! Do more than talk-SAY SOMETHING!" - John Harsen Rhoades Another casualty: Chris is a tile and carpet person, before the economy hit he had his own store. His wife was laid off from her job in 2009, her unemployment has run out, behind two payments on mortgage they tried to make up the payments once he was paid from an installation job, they mortgage company returned the check to him with a letter saying he was being foreclosed on. The past few months have been spent between applying for the well loved loan modification program Home Affordable, looks good, first court appearances on the foreclosure, judges giving time till the modification could be approved......waiting and waiting, results in a letter of denial yesterday as his wife's unemployment benefit just ran out, but that he no longer qualifies for the program due to that, meanwhile the house and senate mull extentions over, Home modification packets reviewed take months to hear statuses on, and the corporate banking segment mows over the masses collecting properties for a song they'll soon resell and profit on the the middle class sinks into the mire...a bog very few can long escape. Chris was so depressed and saddened, I hope he's able to escape.

Dear Blue

"Do more than exist-LIVE! Do more than touch-FEEL! Do more thank look-SEE! Do more than hear-LISTEN! Do more than talk-SAY SOMETHING!" - John Harsen Rhoades Dear Blue: In the middle of the chaos which you placed me, with your manipulative moves, exclusion forms demanded to be sign in order that we be covered by you, and checking other choices left to us, for covering a loved one from your induced risks, the revolving door you placed me in yesterday, had me so stressed out It finally occurred you might off me instead. The sleep I had finally brought some solace, I am able to almost think straight once more, but before I move on to next choice left, I must simply tell you "You're a Corporate Whore". This little piece of prose I've written for you, brings a twisted smile to my lips, my solution will be the much costlier group plan, but with that I can tell "I Win!". From The child*

My Mother's and Father's Daughter

I grew up in Chicago and was born to two very strong depression babies. My father was 11 years old when the depression hit, and my mother was three. They both grew up through the depression years seeing it from different age vantage points, and yet in many ways they came out of it with the same traits. My father had to grow up in a hurry to help his parents out during those years, and also during the war years always sending his pay back to his mom, and remained their helper until their deaths. My Mom grew up with her family having lost their southside home to the depression and boarding house stories, and later when my mom reached her teens she lost her brother one year, her mother the next, and after that with the arrival of a wicked stepmother within the month she became her own sole supporter and did in fact manage to work her way through a catholic high school paying her own tuition as her mom had wanted her to do. They would spend many of their adult years struggling financially to keep house and family together under extreme circumstances which they never foresaw coming in their direction, plus giving outside assistance to their other family members, only when they would hit their 50's would it soften somewhat as the one was finally able to rejoin and help the other. How she loved making nest eggs for him so he could do the remodeling around the house they'd dream of initially upon buying it. At that point they became entertaining as some goals became achieved. If I learn anything of use from them for this economy it was from their stories of the depression, of how their families tried to keep food on the table, of one sacrificing high school for digging ditches, and another of a woman wanting to bring home a dream her mom had for her and going for light years without electricity to study by and decent food to be nourished by. And all my life my father with his coupons, always cutting out a coupon he saw for something at particular store, and then weighing out the drive/gas prices versus the coupon redemption amount. So it is strange how your friendly ghosts can come back and stand with you in line sometimes, or sit next to you while you rack your brain for the right way to meet all ends, and sometimes when I can't sleep it is because of them, they know I'm weighing out different solutions or moves and they're trying to tell me the right path to take, so I wake up and I try to listen for the message that was in the dream. And I end up jump starting a day after three hours of sleep, but I feel better cause I did need the time to think, I never have enough time anymore. Funny winter makes my day end sooner, and I hate that. So they give you your scruples, your principles, and life lessons, and you try to utilize them, and employ them as you go....my world is always feeling the spirits of the other side...someone nudging me about something.

Human minds and perceptions

"Ivan, Have you ever seen the sunrise?" Boooommmmm! My take is you are born, some of us are born into a family, you grow, you experience first betrayals, first heartbreaks, best friends, best friends who might betray you, you grow enough to become an individual, you blossom into a unique set of qualities or character that you alone possess, one may be artsy, another musical,and yet enough outstandingly educated and well spoken. You meet someone with luck along the way who brings out the best in your best already qualities, or the best in your mind and soul. You make a life nest for yourself, You make a life nest for others who become family. You still encounter friends, more families, health issues, personality dysfunctions, work related stress or stress due to no work available, newlywed years, achieving your goal years, care giving and sacrifice for others in the family along the way, multiple loss of family members and friends, struggles with bills, and at some point you find that part of you has bloomed finally into an area where you're comfortable, nothing fabulous, but comfortable. You can buy new towels every year, you try to keep a truck in warranty as when you don't the repairs bills get outlandish, plus the safety achieved for those on the road a lot is increased by a newer vehicle as safety factors are improved with time. You buy yourself four new pairs of jeans a year and get carbon copies for your spouse, and get him some new shirts when the old ones are worn out. You each get to go on vacation, possibly two a year. You can finally buy whatever you want at the grocery store on a weekly basis, the years of shopping with a calculator in hand are over. We did not buy a boat, a boat would have been fun, but lets face it we wouldn't have wanted the same type. We didn't sell the old truck when we got the new, we gave it away to a person who was worth their weight in gold in our books. We always looked and saw when another person needed help, and tried to do what we could along the way, Christmases where one persons locker was broken into at work and their rent money was in their purse poor girl crying we gave her the rent. Another year someone had stolen all of the Christmas presents and we offset that. As we were treated in our growing years, the struggling years, we tried to give back once life had softened for us. Someone else sick, airplanes tickets needed, food needed as treatment bills and out of pocket costs too high, we were & are simply too much alike to not do what we can, when we can. And then the world we knew changed back, and changed back suddenly, just enough time to try to put a few wrongs right, my ace card had always been real estate for twenty five years which is alot I was able to jump back in when needed and pull something together for a tight spot, and yet not this time as it was the housing market that collapsed and remains so since 2008 with no movement in sight, and my spouse was at the height of his career in that very same housing market which we watched topple and fall, and fall project by project until it was completely dead. Oh the sad nights we spent talking as we cooked dinner on the grill as one project after another was stripped and closed down, and he the closer, until there was nothing left to close. I can't describe accurately the deep grief a people can feel as their world as they knew it dies. In the history of our country this has really only happened on a few occasions: 1929 with the great depression was one of them, and I'd have to say for the south 1864 brought it home, other than that the actual revolution of 1776. Our depression which the idiots on TV call the great recession has indeed knocked out: Home Builders big and small, Plumbers, Electricians, Concrete Contractors, General Contractors, Home Inspection Companies, Real Estate Attorneys, Real Estate Sales Agents, all or most self employed or sub-contractors that are not counted in the 15 million people who are out of work across the United States of America. Now that's alot of grief being felt out there. Unemployment pays of a maximum of $357 weekly after taxes to people who had earned $1250 net weekly -$3,000 net weekly, and the lifestyles they accrued during that time cannot work to support the skeletal remains of that lifestyle, especially since they didn't let the whole country collapse, they bailed out given portions of it, and the rest were left to drown. This gives you two and a half different classes remaining, the wealthy who became wealthier still as they gobble up the spoils, the remaining portion of the middle class which is they 1/2 they can either become wealthier if luck and caution are used or with another jolt to the economy they could topple too easily, and vast numbers have been added to the poor and lower class. Groceries, Utilities, Repair shops prices have remained up, and with less in your wallet you try to buy the least expensive items, and buy only needs, never wants, and the choke hold remains tight. Projections are a good 7-10 years out on any improvement for the vocations mentioned above. We try to hold until we can sell for a break even point, but will time allow us that, the American Public wants to know? We are drooling years away from retirement. But when we interview our age is held against us, they want someone for long haul, and the hypocrite saying it is your own age. Fun! What's the solution? So you talk at times, sometime hitting the truths you're faced with, you still try to remember the big picture of basics and hold onto love, care, happiness that you have your own family surrounding you, and that is enough, and yet sometimes you shake your heads and smile a goofy smile, that the world as you knew it has ceased to exist, it will not come back for you in your time line it is gone, and adapting is the only game in town, yet you can't quite believe all days that it's gone. It happened so quickly. It is simply amazing that this was an orchestrated move made by our own leaders! Cheney and Bush may you rot in hell* definately should be deported.

Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois

Somewhere on the paperwork I saw a different corporate name...(oh yes I see it now) that they're registered under Having to Do with "Health Care Service Corporation" a Mutual Legal Reserve Company (Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Illinois), The piece of paper is called an EXCLUSION Form, it an exclusion for life by people who have taken our money for premiums for our adult lives and now give this paragraph back to us simply because we applied for coverage under their individual program rather than a much higher priced group plan, so much higher that as my boss read me the monthly premium it brought instant tears to my eyes, well here's the paragraph they want us to sign off on in order to have any coverage: "No benefits will be provided for services or supplies received in connection with the following: Hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, thyroiditis, thyroid enlargement, tyroid tumor or goiter, thyroid nodule: including any diagnostic procedure, treatment or surgery thereof and the following complications that occur in connection with or as a result of the aforementioned condition (s): arrhythmia, artial fibrilation, thyroid cancer, depression, dysphagia, fatigue, goiter or nodule enlargement, Graves disease, insomnia, nervousness, palpitations, tachycardia, thyroid enlargement, or tremors." This coverage Exclusion Rider has been permanently placed on the policy.", and of course they expect you to sign it, or else they'll cancel your policy. But if you sign it what happens if you simply run into heart problems, and need surgery because of the passage of time, do they exclude it based on automatically connecting it to Grave's disease that was treated 15-16 light years ago? Do they continue to slowly screw you into the grave? This is what the health care reform was aiming towards curing, and missed considerably, plus any of the laws that were passed to protect the public will not be passed until 2014, such as this exclusion, in 2014 they will no longer be able to exclude coverage based on past problemed areas. But this is not 2014, this is December of 2010 going into 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014**** Bingo, how does the public protect themselves from insurance carriers that are to give people insurance in exchange for spreading the risk...as defined by law in the insurance classes, is this what they call spreading the risk, or is this what they call loading their pockets?

Holiday time of past Chicago memory

"Do more than exist-LIVE! Do more than touch-FEEL! Do more thank look-SEE! Do more than hear-LISTEN! Do more than talk-SAY SOMETHING!" - John Harsen Rhoades Somewhere in Chicago in olden times of 1958 or 59 or 60, I remember being in the old 55 Plymouth somewhere on Milwaukee Avenue near Ma's Rubens were she made time payments on a coat, she let us have her old coat eventually to wrestle and tumble on, siblings and I. But her new coat was spectacular, it smelled good, always had a hint of doublemint gum smell like her, and a slight smell of her cologne, I knew trhe smells cause I sat in the middle of Ma and Dad when driving the city streets, the boys in the back seat. Dad parked the car, Ma went to make her installment payment, it was Christmas time, snowing, pretty yet gentle, some type of bells chimed out holiday music, and Silver Bells played. When I hear it play like yesterday, my eyes tear up for some of the sweet memories of old, and I smell doublemint and Ma's colgone, and I see snow falling at night with that slight purple sky.

December and kissing it good bye

"Do more than exist-LIVE! Do more than touch-FEEL! Do more thank look-SEE! Do more than hear-LISTEN! Do more than talk-SAY SOMETHING!" - John Harsen Rhoades This year brought me another year of you, and your clone, I am forever thankful for both. This year has brought us more life challenges than I remember the newlywed status ever having rendered, we have sat down both and played with pegboards trying to get all shaped pegs to fit into the holes in front of us. This year has brought us a fatigue that is very genuine, we are weary of 3/4th's of the game, sometimes the best we can do is get the other safely to sleep to escape it for a few hours. It has not been letting it go that tires us, it has been trying to keep it all, a minor challenge to some, and a major war we have waged against harsh times, I cannot even try to think back to better days or my eyes fill. In our trades, it is gone. So we do battles, put out fires, and live another day to rise again. December of 2010, I kiss you goodbye, I peek at what 2011 could hold, Assets rejockeyed, assets drained, IRS saga finally done a major win and loss in one letter as they take any future assets too while in one breath compromising, interesting people staffing that entity. Jobless world of your crafts, no end in sight for a projected 7 years out near retirement age, a gift that will keep on giving I could surmise. Health benefits floated that exclude needed items, more corporate corruptions, needing a dose of their own Karma. And back to the beginning, thankful that I have you and the clone. Much humor some 300 days out of the lot, basic healths are intact another thanks. It is that which make me look to 2011. Meanwhile, a belligerant kiss to 2010, what a frickn year it has been.

Challenging times

"Two roads diverged into a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference!-Robert Frost Last year gave us many challenges, and we rose to those challenges as well as we were equipped to. Round 1 = we won. We were given some cotton candy and a day or so at the carnival as a reward, the near insane one laughs, bad girl that I was I told my man it was a nice band aid, how very accurate, mostly almost made it but could still see blood oozing here or there from the band aid, wondering how long it would be before a hemorrhage. So today we will take off the band aid, and see what shapes next, and where the path takes us, this is going to be a very tricky round, little or no errors allowed until the end of the game, or the end of this next round at the very least. I wish us all the very best of luck going into it, I will try to do my best to be creatively resourceful against every and any opponent I encounter along this particular course. I will live up to all challenges and aim for the strongest finish. Secret Storm

Dear Dolly

"Two roads diverged into a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference!-Robert Frost So funny, I was thinking of Dolly this morning, I wanted to write her a letter, my brain ADD H as it can get at times already composing parts of it, might be overwhelmed by a week with no smokes, therefore no alcohol cause they go hand in hand -don't they, coping with battles for Health Insurance - contesting exclusions of coverage made against the very things my spouse would need to be checked up on, today's lay off and our adventure on this crazy path we've found in front of us, me finally lighting up and getting so damn dizzy I thought I'd tip over, laughing at myself silly ass that I can be..... I figured screw the letter, just call, and she answered: I told her I was thinking of her and wanted to write her a letter...she worried what's wrong, told her nothing was wrong, Just wanted to tell her I love her, we laughed, told her we've had some crazy adventure years, told her about my dumb ass move of lighting up and the dizziness...she knows she's done it, told her no matter what the loves been good and big....she knows we love eachother, sometimes we're just too naughty and we're flamboyant when we're naughty but some part inside of us loves it when the other gets flamboyant, she laughs some more as we cry a bit. She knows I still talk to my folks and they are long gone and missed, told her I was calling her to do some of our talking now, she liked that. So Friday the first in December started a little bit nicer as we spoke of maybe doing a little Christmas gathering in a couple of weeks. There may be judge's and juries that make conclusions on our lives or on how we conduct them, but in the bottom line of the heart we all have to live up to our own standards of what we never want to leave unsaid, un-expressed. And so to Dolly my friend who I haven given many runs for the money, challenged her so thoroughly as she would challenge my ass right back, " I love you, no matter what".