A few days of heart felt appreciation

Recently gave myself the gift of time, some vacation time, broken up into extra days for 4 weeks with weekends to make for a few mini vacations, not going anywhere but having the time to be home. Home is where the heart is in all shapes and sizes indoors and outdoors I am in love with it all. Earlier spring brings tulips, daffodils, that I planted with my own father some 28 years ago, and I marvel that they are still thriving even though he is gone 24 years this season, and forsythia's bloom in the back that Dad, Ma, Ricky and me planted together, Ma naming the bushes the Pa Bush, The Justin Tree, old jokes, old dogs, old glimpses of igloo days, leaf days of autumn float through the noggin. As spring merges into summer I have finally gotten to spend time in the yard, flowers blooming that my own palomino planted for me several years back only makes me love the place more as I watch these plants flower, and get to finally smell their scents again, the child still resides within the woman and actually gets quite happy over these little things. Old black days of threatening loss due to a failed economy recede into a background for now, as we all take a sigh of relief, and actually are finally able to find the light of enjoyment for all the beauty nature brings to us each season. I have fed the vitamin D deficiency the past four weeks with time in the sunshine, and have found I could be happy for a long term working 3 days a week (the child again), but know that can't happen. So we have fed the soul for another round. The chores of groceries, dry cleaners, drug store, banking, and other errands run at leisure instead of the usual helter skelter method on the lunch hours and after work, a few projects tackled, lists of more, give focus to one fragmented woman. Think it was William Shakespeare that coined "We cannot be all things, to all people." A humans we try, yet sometimes we fail miserably, at least in our own eyes. We are still our own worst judges. Yes, this time gave me some peace, some harmony and some more balance back. I humbly thank planet earth and all the surrounding beauty and my son and husband who tried so long to keep it all juggling for a best landing that's arrived. Margaret Mitchell who penned Gone with the Wind, had a one liner in the book, that the real estate world stole years ago for their introduction to any class on it they offered, "Under all there is the land" to them and to the insurance world it means Don't forget that the land has value, also. To me it means home and happiness.

Regression of the child within

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Yesterday morning, a work day ahead, as soon as I could I snuck out back to plant some more vegetables, and even got some flowers in quickly before I had to prepare myself for work, it was such a great feeling to be out in gardens, my hands covered with mud from the night befores rainfall, the small child within was actually well contented and happy, we had a dirt backyard the first 6 years of my life, and I had spent many hours making pretend mud soup for anyone I could offer it to, days of old ingredients for this special soup were mud, water, ugly stones ( I'd keep the pretty sparkly stones (diamonds at the age of 4), and some leaves or blossoms off the catalpa tree. This kept a small girl with two older brothers happy and content. I was very well grounded to the earth, and never one to hate having dirty hands. And so I made fast progress in trying to put some future colors in the yard for the rotation of seasonal blooming, and the child within was happy, and in harmony. Am making it a goal to be outside more often this beautiful season.

The dreamer

Night time, deep sleep, the dreamer dreams. Why we dream what we do baffles many of us, while others dream and talk in their sleep and remember absolutely nothing. And to the dreamer who does remember or wakes with a jolt after a sequence, we are sometime confused, conflicted, happy and yet shaken. Last night the dreamer saw the woman open the sliding door that lead to the dreamers when dressed for company, the woman missing for 12+ years, felt the standing hug, the dreamer asked the woman to sit down for a minutes, asked her how she was, she said she was okay, upon closer inspection the dreamer spotted some skin differences on the older womans face, reached down for another hug as reality sunk in again, and all was gone in a flash as the dreamer awakened to a rolled stomach. It was so good to see you, to hug you. To see your green eyes against the white hair, your baby face. It was so harsh in that one second to know you were still very gone. Eyes tear, love you. But it was so good to see you!

Getting through the revolving door

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" All morning, I'm happy to say. Only twice in my life did I ever walk into some type of revolving door that was the type to hold you hostage, and somehow you just couldn't get out into the sunlight and fresh air that held promise on the other side always within your view, yet intangible as the door wouldn't locate the portal. This week my honey started a new adventure. This week I took a few vacation days and did my regular weekend errands, thinking and enjoying my duties more as I went on a little leisured schedule seems to make it more fun for a change of pace. Also we gave my computer space and desk to my son this week for one my husband had built for him, at first he'd protested being given the computer ( always wanted brand new, instead of re-built), the he played with it and fell in love with the machine. Next we offered him my computer desk, he spoke of getting new, or getting one used by his gals folks that they no longer needed, and then another morning he asked me where I would go if he took my space and desk? That clinched it for me. I may look indecisive at times as I weigh things out, usually involving others I care for slows me a bit, but I am NOT an indecisive person at all, if anything I know I may be a bit rash sometimes in how fast I move on. So Thursday they both came home to relocated computers, and oddly enough that action got me through a revolving door. It made me able to walk away from the last five years, and soundly start a new chapter even as my honey did, chaos be gone. This is a new doorway we've walked through, and the sunlight is right there. Life moves on sometime with or without us, but we can sometimes make 1 gesture that frees everyone to be themselves. It's actually a freedom that now gives him the entire side of the house until he deems to find another dwelling with his lovie, coming soon but he needs more ground under him before it can happen most likely. The fun part for me is it puts me back into a room at least temporarily that was my own office of many real estate years, where my thinking is streamlined and at it's best, and sun light streams through every morning for the days fresh start. One week, and yet small segments of our time came back, to all three. Define Happiness. When things get bettered for someone you love. A Day in the Life:)

Meeting Miss Claudia

Seems light years ago we met in that tiny back room of Starcks Real Estate, so many personalities so little time, we were all rookies together, all sizes shapes, and styles thrown into a humorous pond, and that humor would only grow stronger as we fed off eachother. One odd thing of being there for the 5 years was the high cancer rate in the office, next door they took years to clean the soil on an old gas station so they could make it into something else one day. Voss and I had done our pre license schooling together and then got stuck together again for the post icense training, only to be released into this back room, 1st question of the 1st day "what do we do now?", my answer: "Let's go get office supplies for our desk and set it up". Did it, organized it, okay what now? And on and on we went baby steps, partnering together in our first real estate transactions, her off with her family boating on weekends left me doing the listing presentations the first one most notable, signed contract in hand, old heavy MLS books in brief case, set it down on the guys porch banister and leaned in, bad move as the banister which had not shared needed repair gave way and I plunged head first down the harsh corners of seven concrete steps on this raised ranch, oh my God the pain, the mortification as I was in a shirted suit, my ribs, the bruising, oh my. Not funny then but it would become a featured comical story throughout the years as we all had our own fun starts. Claudia & Rosalie arrived into our back room life next, they also wanted to partner, both had dry senses of humor, upon meeting her the first thing Claudia told me was that this was here way of retiring, she'd keep going for many years, the same number as my own. We'd move from Starck to Abbott to Coldwell Banker together and be each others back up in times of trouble or travel, and I grew to love this dry humored woman. Throw onto that that she lived in the same town, I had the toddler then and she'd help me raise him all the way through with anticpation of what waas next, we both had aging moms, we'd both lost our dads a lot sooner than we were prepared for. She'd never fess upon about when her birthday was, just generically said if she had the card by the 15th it was good, and today our darling facebook finally tells me this is her real lucky day. I can not even begin to list all the phone conversations we had throughout the years as we discussed real estate, my son and the wonder years, the bizarre twists and turns of teenage growth and adventures, own moms declines and hospices, flowers found on both porches to raise a friend up, her sons battles with Aids, her years as a grandma, her times in life where she'd take a fall and land countless injuries measured with my own falls and countless injuries, hell we even have had for light years the same doctor who now retires on us, a murder of one of her friends and neighbors that left her sickened,the Browns Murders whereby we knew someone the victims in real time and grieved for the horrible waste of that night, and last but not least two husbands that had similar personalities and humor. I was the baby in Starcks back room, Claudia turns 71 today, I am now 59 as opposed to 31 then, Voss is 69 now, but along the way we've lost Jack Holding-lung cancer, Jerry Finis - brain cancer, a growth on the outside of his ear penetrated into the inside and into his brain , Diane Zawroski- breast cancer, Fran Polichek - breast cancer, Ester La Point - Lung Cancer, there are several more but I can remember all of their names. So we came out of it with many good friendships, and we always wondered about that gas station and what we were exposed to.

Never understanding the whys

I guess I'll back up a step to monday and my first phone call of the day after I arrived at work, it was a long time client, once an airline pilot who had been married for 54 years to the same woman, a woman who had lost her memories these last 6 years, he cared for her deeply, and became very angry this year but would always generate the anger in his calls towards the insurance carrier who could not seem to deduct the correct amount of his checking no matter how many times my boss & I called them, I finally got it fixed two months back, and now the man is calling me to tell me his wife of all those years had passed, did I need anything from him for the insurances? I tell him how sorry I am that this has happened, I tell him I've been married for 37 years, and I cannot even begin to ever want to be without my partner in life, we talk a little bit more, and he thanks me for my words. Shortly after he emailed me a bio of her life, so I could appreciate all she had been. The situation stays with me thoughout my day, and my bosses day, they've lived near him for years so he's known the family for decades, stacked against my one decade. Now it is the next morning: In previous posts I'd written about two lady friends of mine that made me laugh so hard I always have trouble breathing, sometimes in Baker's Square we'd laugh so hard other people sitting near by would also start upon catching parts of the subjects they are the only ones that can reduce me to that type of laughter. I fear for my life when I'm out with them as I am likely to die from a laughing, breathless heart attack. The girls are both born in June so soon we should get together for our yearly bar-b-que, I am usually the griller, although Doris is the one that taught me to put 1/2 t of mayo into each burger so it'd stay juicy. At one point in time the 3 of us were Realtors together. But better yet friends rolled out of those doors. We meet yearly for a silly Beatles concert in the park that we've come to cherish, as our night out. We try for a pre-Christmas gathering every year. The nurses grown son thinks we other two are his Aunts, cause we were always there throughout his growing years. One emails me this morning the one who is now a nurse after having put herself through nursing school the past few years, she tells me our other friend who remained in real estate now has breast cancer stage 3, it's gone through the lymph nodes to the point that they're doing the treatment ass backwards: Chemo 1st, Radiation 2nd, and surgery last. I think to myself "liars"., my thinking gets progressively worse. I have never encounter an oncologist who could tell it like it is, why in the hell do they waste people precious time with frickn lies?. My friend is in deep shit. She'd be better off if she hit the organic food aisle's at whole foods, bought a good juicer, and went on a juice and herb self therapy binge to try and nourish the good cells., and did a detox on top of that. We will try to see if we can't sneak one more birthday grill session in. Today the child is sad, the woman is angry, and the shadow is trying to get us through our day safely. I wrote most of this yesterday, except for the first paragraph, and I am thankful that tuesday night my own dear mate tried hard to give me some better perspectives on tuesday emails from Laura about Doris which included Stage 3 and Treatment at Cancer Centers of America, my spouse points out that they have a better survival rate than the majority, and he says maybe their approach makes more sense than the one used most commonly. Hope is a beautiful thing.

Being blessed, and enjoying it

I am blessed. I have had a good run, I have had my own two parents whom I loved. I have my own two brothers, who shared so many fun moments growing up and all the strife as well, siblings that know where you came from and usually understand where you've gotten to even if it's not their cup of tea, they do understand and accept. I have a wide array of life sisters who all carry a different color to make up a very cool rainbow in my life. I have a son who has brought me so many years of life enjoyment and various forms of humor, yet touches my soul by his intelligence, his love of music and literature, his love of the arts, and last but not least his love of children. I have my spousal unit who is so much more to me than words could ever describe, he has been beside me for the better part of 39 years, 2/3 of our lives, my young romantic, my very best friend, truly my other half as I try to weigh something out, whether he's with me or not he's entrenched in my brain waves so that sometimes I can't tell where one leaves off and the other picks up the thought process. He's got a knack of reducing to the ridiculous bottom line that can halt me in my tracks. We've been together for the best of days and for all the hardest days, too. To say you love and enjoy someone so much after all this time would be probably be comical to some, but it can actually exist. And Grandpa, he's my sons Grandpa on the paternal side, my husbands father, a dad to many, a friend to many of us that walk onto his porch. I'd have to say that most of his growth came after retirement. So many subjects of interest throughout the years, and now his finally having time to read and delve into all of them one by one, until he found out which ones would keep his interests, and all the sharing of information he has done with all of us who would have common interests. A great deal of care goes into his sharing, there are so many of us, and so many interests intertwined with what he spots as our own personal needs at a given visit, he is our giving tree, and yet as he's impacted us with herbs, universal theories, some religious theories, the arts, books on healing, pressure points, you name it, he's made us into givers, too. And to think we started out with mere astrology so many years back. Now more and more when someone comes to the house for a visit, they leave hopefully with some expanded thoughts, or sometimes with a bottle of herbs and a new found interest in natural things that could replace big pharma in many instances. Each visit is looked forward to, a time for conversation, and some mind expansion our work days don't give a wide berth to, and a deep appreciation for one more day, are some of the gifts that have evolved. Grandpa's gift has been that he's cared about so many of us, and always sees us as our individual souls, and he always feeds the soul. How many people could say that of their retirement years? Yes quite simply, we enjoy Grandpa, and we're still learning. Blessed:)

Defining Happiness

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" A rainy week, sunrises were sparse, but today it streams though our front windows, and I take a minute to appreciate it, to bask in a morning that woke us up, and got us started off in our own mutually agreed on directions. I do really appreciate the simplicity and complexity of us waking, every single morning I reach out....if he's still there I sleep, if he's not I wake, this is my alarm clock. As I get my coffee, I add on that more members of the household are were they should be, and throughout a day I access via media such as face book, cell phone calls or lack of calls what else is still in balance for the time being. Each day is a gift, truly. As long as this goes on we are happy, we being the child, the woman and the shadow of all. Simple, simple. I did think I saw this morning someone with a lighter step walking out the door, he's worked hard and long at trying to get a piece of his own puzzle back into a better place, and has assurances now that his own days and waking should be lighter in the future. Simple, complex, these are big wins. Now we will all be able to be happy for the simplicity of waking each morning, and seeing the sunrise with all she offers us. The child, the woman, and the shadow all thank the universe to whom we cast our thoughts out to. We are happy.