Saturation

Funny with our daily lives, and regimen sometimes we become saturated, with all the media, all the opinions of others on what we should do, we take it all in until we are so heavy we can't move, and the end result is we just sit there like a lump, loaded down and overly oiled. We have become saturated. This past week, I finally took a few days off from work combined with the long weekend, and did a day of sorting through old bills receipts no longer needed, always kept them in an alphabetical binder, and have done so for so long it's become a way of thinking, so I sorted through each years binder looking for item needing to be saved, little there except some medical & medicine history receipts relative to my spouse I might want to remember in this ever dimming world of mine. So what can I tell you, he was rained out that day, and would hand me one box down after another, therefore we now have about 12 boxes of crap that can go go go soon. And other boxes actually got labeled, "by the way I've got a Sharpie with me", yes he's amazing. (My schiz'd side thinks, who the hell would have a sharpie with them?) The next day I cut the lawns, and did a quick grocery shop, our sister from Chicago was coming out to spend the evening with us, and ended up spending two days, all caught up on, different details or next steps talked about, and through another sister we learned skype: a computer program which allows you to see eachother via computer and actually talk to eachother as if it was a phone call without the benefit of a phone. Yesterday our nephew had a barbq after the pouring rain ( he cleaned his grill through that), and we spent time cooing the newer baby girl who thrills us with her smiles, and little humor she's developing. We saw our niece from that side who doesn't always make it to our gatherings, and it turned out to be a leisurely day spent good naturedly. And the kids were touched when the grand uncle fed the baby, and rescued her as her Dads back went out into the S shaped pain ridden stance, and he needed to be relieved of holding her weight. My spouse even allowed me to drive home as I'd had ice coffee and coke all day, and was the best pick for the 45 minute drive. It's probably the time of year, or it might be that look in the babies eyes that had us all a little out of sorts, she has your intense look in those eyes, odder yet she has your smirk of a smile, a little emotional all in a nostalgic way, but I think everyone was bettered by the day. We all are re-working our lives, each one has been gotten to another fine chapter, some are settling from the disruptions in their lives last year of failed business, divorce, and some are bucking up for this years disruptions and changing, but all are in sync with getting it figured out or done. Somewhere in the interactions of the weekend, I did come to find out, I am saturated by all that's evolved, wars I waged against time, decisions I've tried to hold at bay, indecisions as well which have gone hand in hand with decision making that good old opposite, and I'd become laden down with it all, absolutely saturated with it's oil. Slowly through the relaxation of some time to relax and think, and listen to others situations and think some more, I feel like I've almost shook out of the oil, not quit there yet, but soon I will be able to think straight again and analyze one more time to see what course we should take for certain, the oil has kept me wishy washy as logic battles emotion, round and round it has gone, and in this round I do not wish to look back one day and say I should have tried harder, I want to be certain I've tried my 195% best on this round. Out of the oil comes a CRUMB?

Getting this slacker to work, self discipline?

The next two days, and 3 days after bring the freedom of office work, vacation days. Since not in traveling mode these days, I try to match my days with the holiday schedule....but there are things needing tending at home, so we will see how much time I can spend actually doing all the things on my trusty little slacker list. The list can be long on occasion and this girl might ditch out on the list for a day, and simply lounge around the house, or do a movie marathon. And if the girl at heart is smart she knock out the list early so she can do all.

First loves

"Have you ever seen the Sunrise?" Ah, yes it was many and many a year ago in the kingdom by the sea that an everlasting love of those waters first were born within me. Seeing the dawning first light of day cast a shimmer across those waters that would become loved by me. And the warmth of the sun as it powered up slowly embracing my face, like a lovely warm kiss, is why I can miss not being by thee.

Home is where the heart is*

We have begun thinking, looking at downscaling, it is what I would think of as forced timing, it would have come one day, but we are in truth not ready or wanting to make our move. We have much happiness and enjoyment here, much beauty that catches our eyes: 1/2 the home built by our family and friends, some gone, some still interweaving in our lives, but the deeds of past are still long remembered in this short term memory erred mind. The spring flower beds planted with Dad are still one of my major spring wonders as I watch them all come back. The summer gardens planted by my better 1/2 as he watched his company decline into the 2008 sinkhole, using this as his nightly therapy are gorgeous as they come back year after year. Flowers long established, planted by me when I tried to work through my first and very real mid-life crisis, are comprised of plants from one of my life sisters and my own fine brother. The inside of the house is made of up love and care from many years, and all sorts of perks my spouse initiated to keep my son & myself amused. So, take people who don't want to move, throw in dashes of what else will we find, and a dot of can I make it on my own miserable shrunken by health care premiums salary, and knowing full well the value of the house is nothing you will see land on a closing table, and suffice it to say the brains run in circles for days now. Yet one of our bodies is totally used up and can no longer afford abuse of trade, he will die sooner if we do not do this, and yet parts of me will remain here as it has everything to do with 50% of the spirit. Downscaling was to be done at a rational time, in a rational market, in a rational world, none of which exists any longer. So focus deeply, and you will see that it served us well, and thank God the love can travel with us on this next adventure.

1 Coin, two sides

"Have you ever seen the Sunrise?" Yesterday we went to a wedding. The family of the groom's mother and I have been friends for quite awhile. Last year her daughter was married and I went to that wedding with Kit, it was a lovely wedding, everyone shined, much laughter, much dancing, good spirited conversation. Yesterday's wedding was for her son and his lovely bride, very happy they are, and yet everyone else seemed out of temper would be my best description, they had all been stretched a bit too far, or some underlying problem kept pummeling through their enjoyment. A much smaller wedding, but it meant much to me that we'd been invited to join in their celebration of life, and I'd always wanted my spouse to me the people I'd spent the 12 missing years with, good friends can get you through a ton of darkness when the lights go out, and I remember being there for them as they were for me, I remember the love and warmth they gave to me and to each other. Some of me concludes that in 12 years especially the last 5, we are aging, we have aged to the point where it is all harder, a table of aches and pains, standings not comfortable nor is sitting for too long, clothing that to some is not comfortable, they'd all rather be in jeans, social graces of greetings murmured over and over, toasts, and well wishing, and many traveling much further than they'd have liked to, we'll a few of them must have bottomed out at the same time to the point where I'm sure my partner couldn't see what my brain cells had captured. So, odd most of our table abandoned off into 6 different directions, music a little loud for conversation, although fun as the groom had picked it all out himself from every decade. The ending and the 1 1/2 drive home had us happy we both only had one drink early on some 5 hours earlier, when we came upon a town doing 10 car random checks for drinking and driving, a road block and a parking lot off to the side whereby they'd check people for DUI. So, home, clothing changed out, tired, but glad to have landed back here, and off to a much needed rest. The Oldsters

The Day the Music Died

Like jumping from a 130th floor, life images flashing through your mind, I can see glimpses of other days and times when I listen to American Pie by Don MCClean, it was an awesome song released when I was 16 yrs old. It meant a lot then, and it still means a lot to me now. Living a full life you gain many things and people, and you also lose many things and people. It feeds the soul and it depletes the soul. "And the 3 men I admired most: the Father, Son and holy ghost, they took the last train for the coast, the day the music died" This line sums up how I feel about our energies of the last few years.

The Body Betrays the Mind, and Mind Betrays Body

So you're all dressed up to go to the party? You're gonna have a good time? Saving grace arrived in time? You are so silly. So you wanted a job so you could get it all headed in the best direction, and you landed it, and started it, but it is the worst possible thing for your body, the pain is barely manageable, the work is harder than what you had to do at 28 through 45, and the collapsing discs in your back now render sciatic pain traveling downward. And several rooftops involved: You spend 13 hours yesterday brick siding a stupid 3rd floor chimney for some smuck who will never see it eye to eye, and to make it more fun the long hours are due to someone having not ordered the right amount of siding, so it has to be torn off several side redone, to get it to work. Material shortages are common, but they won't care if your salaried will they as it cost them no additional labor to complete it as dark rolls in after the sun has set? We don't know how long you can do this, we won't know the human cost, we only know it's horrible, it's all in the eyes. We know we still need to down scale whatever can be. And why do you do this? John Coffee of Stephen King's (The Green Mile) mind once said: "They did it for the love of the other". The pain of a human soul can sometimes match the pain of the human body.

More Band-Aides Please

"Have you ever seen the Sunrise?" Band Aides protect a cut, don't they? My honey had me perform surgery on him this morning with an exacto knife, yikes I had to gear up for this two weeks, and then it was a negative impact on my Little Lion Man Soul, he get's these under skin nodules containing pus sacs galore, the theory was to get through the skin layers and hit the man sac, disgusting & squeeze like you were trying get a bullet out, God damn doctor didn't do this the last office visit and really should have.....thought it wouldn't be covered, yikes, that leaves Little Lion man with faltering courage for deeds of blood especially. So to remove a bullet could I ever be brave enough to hurt/help my dear man? http://youtu.be/Xd8tOAJMA8Q

War of the Roses

In the movie War of the Roses, an affluent couple try to get divorced, but played top the topper in insults and pranks to one another as they go, the shame of it was the love and admiration for each other was still there but as they one upped each other they fueled the fire portion to the final scene where she jumps onto a chandelier (one of them had weakened the chord), he goes to save her, and they both drop several stories to lie side by side dying, the grudge is too wide she pulls her hand away as they die but not before he feels the insult. I cried at the end of that movie, and each time I see i still cry. It is the moral of story that gets me when deep loves are involved, and people behave destructively, one insult piled upon another, Jesus Christ himself could not resolve messes like these, and yet if you looked at the actual basis for how they started they are a small matter, but where they can evolve to can overshadow many. When Justin was little he'd come home and try to describe some of his friends to us: This one had just a mom, or two mommies, this one lived with his Dad cause the mom left a long time ago, he knew children with two new families whereby they'd have to have two birthday parties, two Christmases, two everything's as they original parents were still incompatible even in the best interest of the child, we joked about one little gal and that she'd end up with two weddings one day the old war was still so potent. Where does it end? When can people still see some good in each other, see the love that's still there and stop to heal, and salvage? This post was brought about by something I've been seeing on facebook, a young man getting married in a week, his dad used to be married to one of my friends, but when their daughter was married last year he refused to be in a picture with her of the bride's parents, and he chastised the son for including pictures of the birth mom/original wife in the video of the bride's growing years, punchline they divorced over twenty years ago, and the fun part is he was the one that left them as a family. So many oddities out there in all forms. We hear about unconditional love in some life influences, while some must hear about unconditional disdain.

Thresholds

As we walked the path, we headed wherever we wanted to, some times as an experiment not really sure where the path would take us, we'd climb a hill never sure if a decline was over the rise or if we'd finally hit the crest and see the water on the other side. It was a good walk with many peaks and valleys to it, great for the adventurer in us both. Now we've come to crossing with so many split offs, it's become hard to know what direction to walk, some of the paths are not even appealing to us but present themselves as choices, and the ones that look more appealing will require band aids, making us unsure if they are worth the injuries we might sustain, they are higher risk for sure. So for now unable to make a sound decision, and no longer being as adventurous as we once were, we sit and rest for awhile to see what the day brings. Not our usual spur of the moment way of proceeding, but the only way that's comfortable for now.

The Wine, the rainbows

"I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride, but something touched me deep inside the day The Music Died"-Don McClean/American Pie Action, re-action Physics, a law that still holds the ultimate fascination for this old girl. I witness it in constant motion, I witness it in constant emotion, some days I am so strung out there amongst the subliminal that I have a hard time grasping the realities amongst all the scenes playing out, it takes days for me to finally grasp it, and get the bottom line for the old Kathy, the one who hasn't been pummeled to smithereens...."Where's Waldo" for those who read the books, she laughs? And so maybe on a monday evening she imparts too much white wine too quickly on an empty stomach, and the frickn light bulb goes on (still laughing at self). She takes a tour in her well loved blooming yard, a place that evolved into beauty slowly by the hands of her father, her mother, her husband, her son, herself holding sentimental flowers planted by now unseen hands, and some still seen hands, a yard full of live people and ghosts, my ghosts, and the wine hits and she's off to babble something out with her husband of many intriguing yet all in all happy years. She sees him realize what he's dealing with, he loves her at the same moment he wants to box and contain her, so he agrees and gives her his own insights as to trying both things as none can hurt, but all or either can help. He relinquishes her of the garden hose and the watering responsibilities so she dial for help in further the agenda, it takes a village to love a person, to care for a person, she just couldn't live in an empathic world-mutiny ensues, it is the one thing that makes her crazy, the child with the peg board of 3 yr old recall lives on and we don't like the pegs that won't fit, we have to pound those damn things until they reshape into some doable. And so he is happy when the food is cooked and ready to come in, so he can get her fed and settled, sometimes she drives him crazy, yet that is where the light comes from, like a moth to a bulb, they still feed each other back and forth, situation to end. We speak of regrets and no regrets sometimes as it was always important to us to have as few as possible of them as our clocks run down or out, and we always quill the others, we will not add more, not without resistance. Life can be tricky, it can appear empty, but when you're blessed with good people in all the important corners, you have to see the beauty in that without the wine. There are so many times where I am fascinated by the beauty a handful of people can give off, rainbows in themselves. -Sunshine

Grace of Spring

The winter harshness now receding, the tulips and daffodils push up and warm us via their colors, fragrance and grace, the caress of sunshine on our face. the freshened air after a rain, the greening of the lands making browns obscured, the first signs of life and new beginnings, bring hope to all for another chance. A humble people who've worked their years, can view it all with loving tears, Not wanting much but our terrain, and loved ones laughter on the wind.

Hey, Ma.- 2011

"Have you ever seen the Sunrise?" Thomas Sullivan Magnum "Did you see the sunrise?" Magnum to Ivan So, this fine day brings many good memories of you. You been gone way too long already, and have missed or not missed many conversations, many laughs, many ironies, the extent to which remains unknown by me as I still babble to you phone or no phone. Strong thoughts of 9/11 were brought up this week after the icon was finally caught up with, and I wondered for your take on this potential Ivan, and his demise, after we had witnessed the same destruction that day. Many conversations held with you and Dad on the economy, depression babies conversations of the past flitting through my head, the morning scenes of backpackers across America emerging from the edges of darkness each morning as the light comes up, heading for the soup kitchen that is ours on Northwest Highway, the homeless much more now than a few unfortunates or druggies or people with mental health issues, now they include some very fine folks who used to walk our paths, and used to hold fine jobs, trying to live off the land like a Frontier Freemont who's afraid of getting too far away from civilization or it's amenities. So as I flit back into the past: Thank you for your diligence when I ran the high fevers, thank you for the Kool-aide the day I bit my tongue jumping up in down in the little swimming pool, thank you for all the band-aides, thank you for all the lady like lectures, fall walks, movies, music, authors, and fine books. Thank you for all the Irish humor that would carry us through so much strife, thank you for making me witness a woman standing up to every adversity and when times were the absolute darkest thank you for teaching me to stand and endure, and make it through each unblessed episode, until the chapter could be closed. Love to you and Dad wherever you roam, I carry you both in my heart and in my head. The tulips and daffodil's Dad and I planted still bloom each spring, the plants we all sunk in 85: The Justin Bush, Ziggy Bush, and Reenie Bush are all still in the yard under bloom, I used Dad's boat cushion yesterday for my knees as I planted the veggie garden, there are so many memories here of all. Rick found me the day before sitting out on the old now sad decaying bench just soaking in the natural beauty of the yard, him like an old dog comes out to retrieve me from my thoughts bringing me back into the present and what has new buds on it, and where some weeds need to be yanked. Knowing what you should do, and wanting to do it are two different things, yes? I still have the last card you gave me, when you told me to take care, I have to say Ma I never saw it coming some 5 months out, Love you, Happy Mother's Day to my mom.

Politics have no place in this economy

"Have you ever seen an American Sunrise?" Recap: 2008, fall, fallout from the ALMOST wall street collapse, banks collapse, future and resale housing collapse completed after 8 years of George W. Busch and Dick Chenney, both REPUBLICANS being our heads of state aka: President & Vice President of the USA. What happened to our nation at that particular time had been shaped by many leaders of past, by policies initiated no doubt, but these gentlemen aforementioned had plenty of time to see what was coming, and to reverse most of it, and to be able to have the time to buffer the rest. Instead they chose to line their own future pockets as fast as they could, and with dereliction of duty they let the American Populace fall without grace. Now being the country we are,this affected 1/2 half of the populace short term, and 1/2 half of the populace long term. The fun of this is what used to be middle class is now lower class or poverty level class whichever phrase you prefer, and we see very clearly through our last few years of sinking and skrimping to solely get by in a household how much the upper class still continues to squander and pack into their own pockets everything that's not nail down they continue to rape and pillage. There was a few weeks where all gathered together intensively to come up with their bailout, which bailed the wall street segment and banking segment (insurance companies are included in the banking segment), but they forgot about the general populace, they created some band aids short term to ease a path which will never be the same, and then they proceeded to rip those band aids off like a smart but uncaring mother who says if she goes fast it will hurt less. The wounds had not even scabbed yet, so the rip just leaves the lesion open to infection. And so the democrats who went in to solve it, mid way (2 years in) are faced with a republican house to block their original planned agenda for re-grouping, who now want to continue debilking social security and medicare of monies they didn't pay into but have for light years successfully squander out of funds that were to be held next to sacred. The game of each party is block and block, no progress, or values destroyed, checkmate, screw the pawns. The only solution besides an out and out useless revolution is: "God Damn it< get your asses back to the table you all surrounded 3 years ago, and really sit down and hash it out (no Vacations) until you have addresses something worthy of the people you are being OVERPAID TO REPRESENT!

One mans villain may be someone else's .......leader?

So this week brought the announcement that Osama Bin Laden had been disposed of permanently, Our President Barack Obama relayed that Navy Seals had a successful mission invading a compound in Pakistan, and that Osama Bin Laden had been shot and killed during the invasion into the compound, and after his identity was confirmed that he had received burial at sea. 10 years of searching, and now finally DEAD! Bin Laden has been an enemy of the American people for quite a long time, the strongest reasoning for this was his design of 9/11/2001, all the time and planning that went into our training his terrorist/illegals as pilots so they could hi-jack our own airplanes to be crashed into various U.S. building targets, thereby killing the people within the airplanes along with whatever people would be killed within the target's: The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center, and The Pentagon which were successfully hit by these "Terrorists", and it is said that the fourth building was to be The White House which was averted by the people who were on that airplane is the main story told due to captured conversations aboard that vessel...or that we shot it down to avert it's destiny of origin is a thought wondered about by many. The news media, and the people who flooded the front property of the White House and More people who flooded Ground Zero of the old World Trade Center, droves of people gathered based on rumors leaked out into Facebook and Twitter, finally confirmed by our President with a special announcement. People all over the United States rejoiced, were made happier knowing this villain had finally tasted our justice. I felt a little better hearing the news as well, and I expressed myself by saying he should have been captured and dissected one little piece at a time so he could feel some high levels of pain with karma as the server. My own son after watching all these reactions to the news wrote his own blog piece more or less stating that we were reducing our levels of reaction to the terrorists who have burned, spit on, and urinated on our own flag and SOLDIERS when captured, likening it to animal farm, and an ending of pig versus man, man versus pig, and how upon looking at eachother they could no longer tell the difference. And so for a few days now I have reflected on the populace's take on this event, my own and my son's, and I know logically he is correct. I also know that what will keep this conflict alive within me is: September 11 2001: Morning, A plane crashed into one of the twin towers, shortly after another crashed into the 2nd tower, a plane crashed into the pentagon, a fourth plane crashed shy of it's intended destination. Shortly after, the TOWERS began to collapse crushing thousands of people in their massive rubble, reducing thousands of lives into a pile of concrete and steel and glass. For weeks these piles would be sifted through for any signs of life, few successes there, any signs of identifying all the lost souls that perished that day, the season of fall in New York carrying with it numerous days of rain for the seekers to constantly suffer through as they had this horrendous task in front of them, missing husbands, missing wives, missing children, missing fireman, missing policemen, missing daughters, missing sons, what a contribution was made to All Souls Day by this one man name Osama Bin Laden executing a plan to teach America a lesson. So my conclusion this week had to be that my son is a better person than I, and he is his own person guided by my husband's logic through the growing years, and in this one particular instance it will take me light years to see the full value of his wisdom. I know he is right here, yet I can't reach his level at this time. I would have captured this son of a bitch, and I would have dissected him slowly while he was still alive so that he could feel at least 3000 entirely different successive pains, one from each spirit he snuffed out that morning.