2007's doors close, and 2008 opens to us

What we are moving away from carried all of life's lessons if you could slow the motions enough to soak it in. We had laughter and tears mixed and confused. We had some actor skills developed so he wouldn't see our very raw pain of heart matched his own. We had moments we could barely stay in our own skin. We experienced the total sadness that death can bring, and confusingly enough we all witnessed the beauty of it's release from the pain and worry our loved man was experiencing. We also experienced a better deeper love of one another and understanding of our various ways to cope through it all as it unraveled, as we unraveled, too. The woman and I call it "having a moment". She frets and worries that one day I'll get mad at her as we often did in the old days with each other, I smile or laugh, it's not going to happen, she is one of my hero's, she is in my heart now, with depth. We've been through all of those days starting with her call as she followed the ambulance that morning. That is some of what will be closing behind the 2007 door., just as it was starting to close behind the 2002 door, the 1990 door, and the 1979 door. There are so many doors, and each carries a chapter in our The Life's Book . A New year, this being 2008 some think is a fresh start, it's each persons ground zero to do better with a calendar year, So many have new year resolutions, they want a new job, better vehicle, better house, weightlosses (one sickness can take it all off, so don't sweat it) and some of us are happy to have a family in relatively good health, we live the 365/366 slot year: day by day and religious or slightly agnostic alike can see the beauty in each days rising and our cycle as long as we're permitted to re-unite at the end of day with our family. Now for a person who has lost many you can get a New Year's case of being anxious/worried wondering what's behind door number 2008....the lady or the tiger, this would be a natural thought process, now take it one more step....when you lost very many people who played important roles in your life, you can evolve into a creature who enjoys nothing more than the here and now. 2008 will bring much enjoyment of the here and now, enjoying the interval, what's important each work night, all of us coming home, all of going to bed wherever we belong, all of us waking up the next morning, all of us enjoying some laughs or stories with each other, our life and therefore living values are better and higher due to the losses encountered in other years. Could I drink out 2007, oh yes I could, Will I, probably not. Will I embrace 2008, yes as long as we keep making it home, sleeping, and waking up. I will embrace everyday until the life cycle brings the next round of horseshit to my door, something that is unfortunately guaranteed to happen. So in closing this days blog thoughts I offer you a favorite from My Father used to use as a toast, as a prayer at Easter also a time of rebirth's: May you enjoy good health, happiness, a little bit of prosperity! With hope and love, Sunshine

The Loss Echoes

Today is a very sad day for my lady friend, it is their 38TH wedding anniversary and his spirit cannot offer enough comfort she misses him so much. Everyday that she has survived so far has been so that he would know she stood true and straight, to keep him proud and he is proud of her, he proven it in his signs to her.

Today I can't see where that could hold the pain at bay. The best she will have today is a possibility of smiling over a treasured shared moment from days gone by, and hopefully the comfort of how very much he loved her will keep her warm and surviving. I hope the black void doesn't pull her through, it's so easy to fall in.

They have taught me that each day is a treasured rainbow if we're together at the days end for sleep, it is really that simple.

Spirit can live on by past deeds, warmth

You my friend have to be enjoying your self now in a whole new fashion, and you're laughing, some for fun, sometimes at us just as you did before. So what have you got here? You've gotten to meet up with the others, all known to you except for the one, and no doubt you spend plenty of time with that one. Your new hobby of keeping surveillance's on us renders: Family learning Financing, Legalities, Detailed Banking, detailed billings, mechanical systems and more survival skills all in a crash course, and two of yours have shined. The laughing part is: Holiday Prep 101 One family branch is trying to make your bread, and they burn it. Another main part of the family is trying for the cookies and they burn them. Then for fun your mom demands for thanksgiving she be the dessert person...baking pies, and she forgets entirely......and we get an SOS Baker Square call as we're leaving the house, how fun it that? Well from the minutes you had to leave us...you've made it interesting and heartfelt: the 8, the wind, the butterflies, the feel on summer days that you were definitely still in your corner sitting on your bench, with us listening to our music...definitely with us....we feel you, you keep us all strong, you keep us all moving, and you definitely keep us all loving when we're together, in fact we can only be away so long before we need a dose. The dreams....I thought you were laughing cause it was me, I never thought you were laughing cause it was him.....I hope it's a long time before you come to get him....he's my insanity and my sanity all at the same time...I watch him sleeping....just for the beauty of the moment..actually I've begun to 1/2 sleep which is giving me shadows...I always had him pegged as a sudden thing, don't make it be soon...leave him for awhile...then you'll have your fishing trip one day, but not soon, okay? I knew Katie was wrong about the apricots....cause he brought them to you and still has them beside him. The crying, our moments, yours and ours=no one wanted to leave or be left, it was a simple as that, and yet you've found a way, so that we're not left, we're supervised...Lol Christmas you will be there with us, that's why the woman is having it, preparing for it. We're coming back for the warmth your hospitality to us always rendered us, you were our Santa for so long, and yes our woman was always our Mrs. Claus, we would have it no other way, and we love her for her bravery in welcoming us home, she has the other half of your warmth we felt for so long...her own warmth. We all won't be pretty continuously, but we will bring our love for you and your family that you kept glued together throughout the years, and make you shine some more. And the boy I first met in his training pants in 76 on my first visit to the house, we'll he's shined too. He's been everything you could have asked for, he is superb, and I am very proud of him. Let his dream fly upward. And he's learning parental tolerances so well, Unfortunately I can usually smile through that part...cause I see you another day another child. so a hundred years from now we will have matter in the life of a child, and their children, and their children, we pass it on somewhere, some instance, yes? You live on and you are strong. Love you, And Merry Christmas from our heart to yours. Kath

What do I want for Christmas?

We all had moments when we reacted badly. We all made mistakes in that time frame. We were all guilty or wrong about something in our interactions. The law of Physics is: For every action...there is a reaction, yes? Well there were plenty of reactions. I want my family, I want my family to be with me and to enjoy good health with reasonable happiness, that is what I've wanted for Christmas. We all came from the same place, it just shaped us all differently. Different life characters in a book, with different tolerance levels. What did my Mom say we behaved the worst to the ones closest to us, as we knew we had an almost guaranteed forgiveness from those closest people. A life is very similar to a book, it does render different chapters, and you can shape the chapters better as you learn from the past mistakes. You have another opportunity to improve and modify somethings you do which will affect the outcome relative to what others choose to do based on your responses and actions. I still want to hear their voices trying to tell parts of the stories at the same time, I still want to see laughter over a silly stunt pulled light years ago, I want them in front of my tree again for a picture. with hope for one day receiving this wish, the inner child

A Man I learned Much From

November 27TH, 1918 just another day, not really, somewhere in Chicago a little boy was born who would become a great man, my Dad. In his younger years he was a good family man to his parents and to his sister/sisters (two died young), he had to exit school early during the depression as his Dad had unfortunately drank away the profits from their butcher shop, thus his father became the new owners employee and my Dad who was of a Polish family but who insisted they speak English at home so he would do well in school with learning English, well money was scarce, the depression was well on and my Dad had to quit school to dig trenches/ditches to bring in extra money. When he was young man he was surrounded by his friends "The Honoree Gang" named for the street corner they frequented in Chicago until it was time for a long war, World War II and my Dad enlisted in the army and became eventually a Sargent and was stationed in France, Belgium, and with Patton's help they invaded Germany and saw much of the damage's the Germans had inflicted on all of those countries, and saw the camps at the end of the war holding German soldiers instead of Jewish people of all descents. He came home and started working as a printer, and met my Mom who lived not far from his own home in Chicago, she lived on North Avenue in a huge apartment building close to 1841 North Ave, it had a wonderful hot dog stand next to it, and they had the best french fries on earth as we children would one day declare. It had a bar named Louie's at the end of the block. They dated, married, and had children, 3 of us, and tried to make a good home for us in Chicago, within the first few years he lost his mother, his sister, his father, and our mother had already lost her mother and her youngest brother early before she turned 15 both were gone, so my parents really focused on work and home and family. My mother tried to take care of her father & stepmother along with help given by my father, and somewhere along the line my mother became ill, and was hospitalized for several months and remained ill for several years. I remember my father's attempts at cooking dinner for his three children, I remember his transmission going on his vehicle & him driving backwards to the hospital in Evanston to see her cause he promised he would. I remember a Christmas when the vehicle was broken or snow was too high where he took a sled with one of our neighbors and carried home our fresh Christmas tree on that sled through many miles of bad terrain and cold...for his children. I remember him teaching me that gardening was like life you always had to give back some to the earth...you couldn't just take. I remember him telling my brothers that they had so much cologne on they smelled like bad hookers, and him telling my mother when he had the wrong colors on for a suit pant & coat...not to let him go out of the house looking like a j off, and I remember him telling me when I was spending too much time visiting them after I'd married that my husband might be angry, and " Married life was not all Lying on your back", these things were said practically thus I remember them smiling and seeing the humor in Ziggy's way of coining it. He loved the city of Chicago and it's beautiful old buildings, old architecture, knew where the underground streets were in the city, took us to see the Water Tower before it was ever revamped, and was one of the few dads to take us to Lincoln Park Zoo for summer evenings, and we went sledding in the snow for hours, and ice skating and he would take us whenever he could to something fun, until any fun ended for that while. Ah, I do miss this man, but I try to carry him in my heart, he would have been 89 today, and I celebrate this even though he passed when he was 71, I celebrate that he was here, he was seldom afraid of something, he tried mountain climbing and liked it, he worked around the house and made many improvements to it, always reading or researching first but never being afraid to tackle it. Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you lots, Kathy

The Woman, the Sisters

Friendship is a wonderful relationship, you tell each other the truth, you tell each other your secrets, your dreams, your fears. You laugh about many things throughout the years, and you cry together. The woman and I call it "taking a moment", having one of our moments. The woman always said she wasn't like me, and yet with time, we laugh at all the feelings we have in common, we are both very resilient and forgiving. We both love our people and thrive on making someone feel better, making someone happier, more balanced. Throughout the years our friendship has grown to sisters, not by blood, but by experiences shared, hearts shared. She loves me when I'm good or naughty and I love my sister right back the same way. The depth will always stay, she knows her man trusted me well, before she ever did. Family can make the best friends when they come with an open heart., and we have that. We are lucky here. It only gives us more strength for the longhaul.

Thanksgiving

Giving thanks for what we have is actually hard for some people when they've suffered a loss. This year I feared we all wouldn't be able to say thank you, to celebrate our Thanksgiving Holiday with a genuine heartfelt spirit. I was wrong! The family drew together, and they were all glad that we had eachother, that we value eachother, that the value has brought more love to each little pocket of being: us. I was very proud of all involved. Yes we do remember other days, and oh yes we definitely know what we lost this year, but thank to our other friend, we remembered how much we have, and how much was in front of us. We did good, and our lady who led the prayers for us, well she did beautifully. Thank You Again, The inner child

The Portal, The Winds & The Butterflies

Several points:

Few wake from the deep sleep state long enough to say their goodbyes through eye contact, once your in a coma you usually pass through gently enough. The joke between our men or husbands who were close brothers had been always that when visiting each others homes they'd get up and give "The Look", it said "It's time to go", the woman would grab her purse usually and stand and follow the man. This time the woman told the man he could go on without her, and she would meet him there one day when it was her time to go.

You have to understand that when our friend departed through the Portal it carried an impact on the elements as well as us, you most likely had to be there but I will attempt to describe to you that outside of the house as some of us hid in the darkness of the shadows on the porch faces seeping liquid, the first thing we noticed was that the winds picked up, it became quite balmy, then very windy still with no threat of rain, and it stayed windy for the next 24 hours, good sized branches broke and fell to the ground, the 8 came off the address that night of it's own volition as well. It was as if the elements knew a great change had occurred for us and for them, and that the 8 had been reduced to 7. I can think of few as harmonious with man and nature alike as he was. So all that happened with the winds only made our souls fell a little lighter as the winds were in harmony with our own loss of him.

Just as unique to Chicago would be our visitors during the month that followed, first a few butterflies, similar to the Orange Monarch Butterfly and yet reverse in color scheme, they flutter into our sights, quite often as we discussed him, or told stories of him.

Then they began to increase in quantity, especially when we were out on the front porch, all gathered we were, still telling stories, or thinking back reflecting on better days when we had a visual of him standing or stooping near us. Now we began to see 4 sets of two fluttering up around the maple tree, one would come down and land on the cross walk, moving it's wings back and forth like a good stretch, then another day they increased so that at any point in the two hour stretch of time you'd see like a camera a good 20-30 butterflies flitting around up in the tree line of vision, some down nearby the roses, and some began to land on the porch railing just chilling out with the rest of us, some would land on his father, his son, and finally on his lovely lady who would talk to them and ask for a sign.

She finally got her sign, it landed on her should, this beautiful butterfly made by our planet and God, it sat there quietly, and let her kiss him, and even after the kiss he stayed for a moment longer to let the gift set in on all of us who witnessed this special moment. He was always a patient man, I do believe he will patiently wait for her, For all of us.

Last week I am told the butterflies still flitted around in back of his brother as he sanded the front porch down for repainting, a project he is doing for his brother as that is his best approach to life to right now.

You do not see this type of phenomena in Chicago or even it's suburbs these days, so I thank him for this additional gift and sign of better things to come.

Is twilight the opposite of first light? A Day....

It's first light, the birth of a new day, a day 24 hours of time that can change and alter much, that can make some laugh, and make some hurt. Either way we have little control over which it will render. We have some choices of where our paths may go, but we have no built in controls for it or guarantees.

My husband says that the stars are always in the heavens, even during the day when far from our sight. So I ask my husband aren't rainbows always present somewhere? Some place consistently, maybe also hidden from view? He says he doubts it, but I believe they must be.

Maybe near the rain forest.

To sit on a dark beach in the east, and watch the sunrise out of the ocean, first just a hint of lightening, and then every few moments strengthening in force and size, until this glorious 1/2 circle is just resting far out on the horizon, and the warmth that comes from it as it reach a gigantic ball of brilliant orange and makes it's way into the sky out of the water.

To see a day start, all the promise due to it's intense beauty, this is what I would wish blind people to see if they could have sight for an hour, this intense miracle of the days birth.

A year ago I read a very sad but sweet story about a girl who went to heaven, and she found that heaven was different for each of us. It was comprised of the things that each soul liked. One persons might have colored balloons, an others might have dogs, and an other's might have a beautiful lake or spring or waterfall. She'd say: " In my heaven I found....."

My heaven would be ribboned with rainbows for pathways to see each of my missing pals. And flowers, lots of pretty flowers. That's where I'd meet them. One of my first gone friends would be playing songs on his heaven accordion, One of my lady friends would have little animals around they've cherished, one of my other gardener friends would have surrounding with green grass like Humboldt Park, and waters running through the terrain with a ton of interesting flowers, like the little pocket-books we marveled at here, he couldn't believe a plants flowers could be shaped like a purse. And one of my other friends who recently hit the sky ways would have deer in his heaven, but probably would have baking supplies near at hand so that when he wanted to he could get up from a conversation as was his way, get the apples out, the sugar, cinnamon and flour, and he'd create a wonderful apple pie to share with his new found, and some old friends for a time. And is Bobby Lehman there, did you find him? I thought you would.

And in fairness a sunset can be a beautiful thing to see, watching the tremendous ball of fire sink back into the west sea, just as dynamically as it came out of the sea in the east the same day.

Between the waters how many lives lived happily, lived dangerously, twisted and turned for some, and ended for others, who will go on to their heaven.

Remember you never know what each day will bring, so enjoy the minutes, the hours, the people, your people on Earth. We'll get to the heavens soon, but not yet.

The Portal and the Colors

I believe that as you pass through one world and into the next you come upon a doorway, rounded but alive with Aurora Borealis type of colored lights, and when you pass through it you find your path and some old friends are waiting for you to take you through the next levels and the light. God's Light, pure and clean and filled with good things that are so beautiful they swell your heart/soul, and let you know it was worth the journey there.

I believe this especially true if your karma was good and cleaned of most of your life accrued blemishes.

If you were impure of heart, then your entrance there and what you would see upon entering would be different, darker and quieter, and that you'd be greeted still but left to figure out what past wrong deeds you had done, and you'd have the opportunity to think about this long and hard until you could see the error of your ways, then you would be released to the other levels.

The Heart of the Family

Is it only June of 2006 when we all gathered in the yard celebrating the folks birthdays and Anniversary? The heart of the family was so pleased that day to have us all together again.
He and his honey had worked hard to set it all up, and he was additionally please when he came upon his tents on sale to shield us from the sun during the bar-b-que.

He had his siblings debating with him as he had gone and arranged for a new fridge for his mom, and a computer for his dad "from all of us", and one by one tore our checks up, we had come to him while he cooked and observed from his corner. He simply said
"let me do this" , and smiled his cockey ...I won smile as I shot his picture that would become a favorite of the family in the months to come. He was always so happy if he won a round with us, he enjoyed it the way some people like me enjoy bartering on the christmas tree price each year.

He was very pleased that day and commented that he was very happy to see the whole family together, everyone had made it in for this occassion, that was why the big smiles for our picture taking.

It was a wonderful day that he watched from his command station near the grill. He has been the heart of our family for so long. The arranger, the Christmas Santa, the baker, the fixer, the financier when you'd bottom out, the main troubleshooter for all our problems. This day he found fun in putting the beer and leftovers into the old frig which had now been moved to his corner, he didn't have to carry it all back up the stairs, at least not that day.

He is my husbands brother. He is my third brother. He is my son's Uncle and GodFather. He has always loved us, even when we were naughty, maybe more when we were naughty.

Then came the seizures, the bicycle, and his own new way of reaching work. Hard for a proud man.

Then came the surgery on his birthday for this Octopus of a brain cancer, that had mostly returned three months later, and each month more., and more.

Loss of speech, loss of limbs, loss of doing all the things he thrived on, and even simple house cleaning, or walking down to the front porch to chit chat, gone slowly being robbed. And all the pain the Octopus brings with it as it wins.
Last saturday was one of the last times his eyes opened, a slight confused look, and then he got it, the eye sight was going, distorted, he closed his eyes and leaned back into his favorite chair.

On sunday, he began his shutdown, his honey and I believe the eyesight was his own internal signal of no more, I am tired he decided, and so he prepared to exit through the portal to our next level. He was going to heaven and we were heading for temporary hell.

He passed through the portal about 1:21am on thurday 6/7/07, and he opened his eyes then, and his wife and children told him they would be okay, and that he would be okay, and that they were allowing him to go on, and as an easy 10 years of pain brought age flew off his face, and he looked so beautiful, I knew that he found the portal everything we told him it would be, and I also knew that somehow the Octopus did not win, our Michael was the winner.

May God and our heaven hold you safely till we meet again. Say hi to my folks and Lauren they're waiting for you.

Your adopted, but loving sister,
Kathy M aka: Rick's Kathy

My friend the adventurer, the beast and the Portal

Back in October the night of the 26th he asked me what I was thinking and what I had to say? I told him back then that sometimes after he went through his surgery of the beast and his vast array of treatments, therapies, he'd be angry maybe very angry, I told him I wanted him to never push us away, he promised he wouldn't. I told him he was well aware we always loved him big time, and we'd ride shotgun for him, his wife-our friend, his son and daughter-our nephew and niece and the family, he said, "good". Then he told me his take on things and were it would go, it matched my own acquired knowledge. He was interested in the time. Time was all he wanted, some of it for his family to slowly accept what had been thrust upon them, time for them to decide they wouldn't want non-quality for him, time to use well for them to slowly and gently release him from his bodies life here, not to be confused with his spirits life here. His spirit will still be here quite often, checking in on us all. I've never seen anyone use time so well before. He wanted to be himself and laugh with his wife, kids and family, he wanted to keep doing his usual things, chores, shopping, breakfasts and dinners. He walked blocks on a cold winters day to the store for her Valentines card, didn't like the Spanish assortment, so he walk more blocks to a store further away in the opposite direction to find one in English, mission accomplished. An Act of Love if I'd ever seen one. 3 weeks later he couldn't do it anymore so there was no birthday card for her, it hurt her...but only because he couldn't do it anymore, it was a marked change in our time slot. Easter was here and we talked and dined together, laughed, loving our visits with each other. The next weekend the talking was gone for one of us, the stairs which had been mastered so far...slipped away....reading the news paper was not to be a daily routine anymore, the doctors said no more treatments the beast is winning now....had been winning all along. Endgame, Hospice. The next weekend brought the seizure, and throughout the week much more sleep. One by one the family took the time to say whatever they felt they had to say, some said their goodbyes and I love you's, some said they were sorry for unimportant to life end wrongs, wrongs that might matter to the living inhabitants but become a mute point to a person facing the final chapter. They'd been telling me for days to go in there and talk with him, to say things to him I could not and would not say, a bit of a non conformist at heart, maybe more than a bit, they wanted me to say my goodbyes? Not ready, pieces not in place in my brain. Still thinking in mess up fragments, rebelling at everything conventional. Finally thoughts together, an angle I could live with, yet wanted to make sure he was good with it, too. He was resting when I approached, but his eyes became very alert and tuned in when I stood by the bed, he was used to his sisters and brothers infringing in his room, but he smiled at me. We had traded secrets and worries the last 20 years, as the first 10 years we didn't know each other as well, we had a knack of never telling lies to each other. I told him they wanted me to come in and talk to him, he nodded still smiling. I told him I could never say the things they wanted me to say, I didn't believe in them. They wanted me to say my goodbyes, I told him I refused to say goodbye to him, I didn't believe in it. I told him what I would say is after things here.....finished playing out, I simply would say "I'll see you my friend again sooner or later, probably sooner", he smiled and nodded. I told him one day we'll have a hell of a party all of us. I told him all along different members of the family tried to figure out why him? Why not someone else out of us. I told him I'd figured it out, and that it was because he "was the one we came to for advice all of these years...all of us, we'd always turned to him for help, so he's going on the adventure first, cause the rest of us assholes probably couldn't find the place" , he nodded smiling but with tears in his eyes...and said "Yes", nodding more. I told him we will still continue to ride shotgun for his family. That we would be here to care for him as he would care for us, and thanked him for never pushing us away. He smiled and cried harder, we hugged. He's my adopted brother for certain, he's been one of my guardians, this all hurts, but we've done it all the way he'd decided from the start. On sunday night he was groomed and on monday I fear he's started what is called in Hospice world "the burst", up dressed, cleaning out a fridge, more grooming, and socializing with loved ones. I think the burst will shift, more sleep and the portal, the doorway to the next level will open with it's light and colors, and he'll find some old friends and family waiting, and there he will spend his portal time until we find him again. Us who are out of town all fear each time, we won't see you again, it actually drives us throughout the week, monday and tuesday we're bears, wednesday just numb, thursdays almost bearable, fridays hopeful, and saturday we're off and running....heading for you, to see you. I can't imagine the family, any part of it without him. Yet we all find out after that you never really lose the person, you carry them with you, in your heart, in your mind, in a phrase you use that they used to say, in tending things and people they loved while here in body, and as you this you learn that their spirit is with you at times. Sometimes felt more keenly than others. Sometimes it so strong you look over your should cause your sure they're standing behind you. Sometimes you'll feel a hug or slight kiss on your neck or check and feel you've been touched by them...just for a moment they've gotten back through the portal they went out through. Besides our fathers, and my husband, my brothers, and my boss I find you to be a highly admirable man, you have given me as valuable a lesson in how to live and die with with courage, some wonder, and dignity as my Mom did. She was so very good in her time frame. She told me about the colors, how spectacular they were, she told us about the waiting area..."but they're not ready yet, a little bit longer", so it's good and okay, friend. Thank you so much for keeping the promise. I love you well. We all love you well. And remember we will all see you sooner.....or ....later. Kath

One of Our Guardian Angels

The question constantly asked was "Why Him, why not one of us or me?" I swear I've heard this question as many as 40 times in the last few months. At first I was good with the question as it had passed my own mind, but of late it irks me, as I was still looking for the answer. Sometimes the answer is close at hand, almost tangible like those thoughts that come to us in high fever state...where it is just a strand....yet elusive. Sometimes it's so simple, it eludes you as you were looking for something complex. I think I've figured out the only answer why our best and strongest but also so young would go first: He's going now to check it all out for us. As my own Ma & Dad pegged him after a trip in Wisconsin rendered them lost and then found: "The GENERAL" is going ahead of us to make way for the rest of us who will catch up with him sooner or later in the next few years, he is paving the way and scouting out the future land, so he can ease our paths later., as he has tried so hard to do in this life land, so he will do in death land. He's been riding shotgun for many of us all of these years, one of the few who always listened more than he spoke, so when he spoke, you listened to his infrequent words. It's raining hard and I can't help but wonder when he'll embark on his journey. Love to you from all of us, we'll see you soon.

In Sickness and In Health

When we were children and she became sick, he was forced instantly into a double mortgage even though we'd moved in the month before, he was plunged into double jobs to make all the payments on the double loans and hospital and doctors bills. He still made the time to go and visit her. He tried to run a very scary little household inhibited by his three children ages 6, 10 and 12, the eldest having the responsibility of rearing the two youngest siblings, cooking for them, ironing their parochial school mandatory uniforms, washing clothes, and 7th grader trying to be Mom and Dad cause they weren't really there at the time, they had stepped out of the picture into another dimension, the eldest caring for us would be hospitalized within a year at the age of 12-13 for an ulcer a kid just shouldn't have had. We survived! Things slowly after 3 - 5 years we're getting better. Many years later I heard one of my siblings wonder why all of that sacrifice was made, why did they tough it out, why hadn't they given us a better start????? In "sickness and in health" is a loaded vow, one of the hardest to keep. I see it repeated here and there throughout the years, especially so much through the years of Real Estate I would have divorcing people...who didn't even remember or acknowledge they once loved the other big time, and that the actually admire the person character, I saw screaming matches in front of little children...their children that just shouldn't have happened at all. So many people would simply walk away from the other, and some stay and fight so fiercely to keep as much the same, to give as much love and laughter to their other half, it is truely admirable the bond that ties them together. Others stay together for the love of their children they've chosen to bring into this world, and as the children grow up and out of the household they stay together again by choice. They do love their spouse, it's just a love that's taken on different dimensions than the one they started out with. They are best friends and have shared so many moments, days, and years they can't or won't imagine going it on their own. Why would they want to? The actually love eachother alot more than they know.....and when illness threatens family or the other....it put that love back into perspective

It is their baggage, not yours....moving on

This is written by a parent who cares about a son grown now into a man, he has his whole life ahead of him, and sometimes when life hands him an unfair hand his pain she sees and feels, she knows more of the answers and bottom lines than he does as she is older and somewhat wiser these days, and she wants to explain to him a different perspective...while you grieve over a relationship that's become tainted and changed: We believe in our parents from the early days that is where our trust somes from originally. We believe in our friends as they surround us, our teachers in schools, we believe in companies once we're working, we believe in the country leaders. We believe in God, some believe in their church, clergy, reverents. Then we fall in love and really believe in our significant other. We simply place them up on a pedestal that few could stay balanced on for long. They fall off, we're shocked. Truth is we shouldn't have put them up there in the first place, to err is human. We trust that every word spoken by them is truth, we believe in them to the point of acting like they have a super power, when in fact they are just ordinary humans like ourselves. You loved me last week, but don't love me today, you're walking away?, you're shocked, what happened, what did I do to deserve this, what's wrong with me you ask yourself, how could they walk away? The simple answer is: it's not you, it's them. They changed, you didn't. It's their baggage, not yours. (It's actually very similar to being laid off by a company that's employed you for years. It lowers self esteem this action of having laid you off. You question what did I do? What didn't I do? What's wrong with me? It's very simple the company changed, and no longer needed your services. It doesn't mean you still didn't know how to do the job. It doesn't make you less of a knowledgable person who can and will provide good services to someone else in the future. But many suffered a loss of identity crisis, as they've tied so much of their daily self or personality into who they were at that job.) So, clear your head, work on key inward points that you should be critiquing about yourself as you go through life, keep trying to reach your goals, keep trying to find the beauty out there in life that our senses enable you to perceive, and you'll keep growing into a finer human, even though various people will walk away from you in your life. Think of all the cool ones you'll meet on the journey. Look for the sunrises, the rainbows, the butterflies, dragonflies of so many colors, and the sunsets, they are all valuable for their beauty, and so are you my son. Value yourself always, especially when someone tries to tear you down, remember who and what you are, and remember where you came from.

Admiration of My Man and His Son

The first time I saw him November 14th 1975, I was out with my brother driving down Bryn Mawr by Austin in my Ford Torino, and my brother had me honk and said to pull over, there was his friend Rick out with another person we both knew George whom I'd grown up with, but I'd only heard of Rick as someone my brother wanted me to meet and possibly teach some guitar to. Ricky was driving a 1955 Baby blue Buick, which he never got out of that day. I liked him, his mannerisms. A week later my brother would have a party and I would meet Rick again. He dodged me all night, my friend Joey who had grown up with both of my brothers...and had protected me for years as another brother thought it was funny, and told me to go for it. I tried one more time to make contact with Rick and he still eluded me, so I gave it up, and went into my brothers room where it was quieter and sat down and played guitar. This time I was approached by the young man. And that is how we started down this long road of ours. We went out to have a burger, and talk some, and then we found out we liked kissing each other. In small ways it started with the attraction. An attraction to a young man who wasn't afraid to dance to his own tune. He was thought to be introverted at that time, but had longer hair flowing down his back, at times he wore a pony tail like me. He had a cute jean cap, and always wore a black velvet blazer, over jeans that showed his long legs, his shirts were either denim shirts or sometimes a simple long sleeve shirt with sewn in patches his baby sister had put on for him. He was gorgeous and exactly what this slightly eccentric daydreamer wanted in a young man. We had all of the right things in common, peanut butter & butter sandwiches, ketchup, guitars, he had a 55 light blue buick, and I was born in 55, and my first family car I remember was a light blue 55 plymouth, it was nothing to some but alot of cool paralell's to me, he was as unusual in a peaceful non comformist-rebellious way as I was. We loved music, and had many artists we could share. Our third encounter I took him to a park nearby with guitar in hand and taught him how to play Moody Blues Night in White Satin...which was appropriate as it was a fall night out in the small park called Triangle Park off of Harlem near Nina, and in that park I think we felt some type of depth of likeness, something we wanted to pursue and explore. More kissing, and the thought "I'll never let him go" shoots through me. And we're off............. We were both into giving to people, instead of taking as some gravitate towards. We liked simple things. We were practical and never turned into full fledged yuppies as our peers did. We have arrived at a point some 32 yrs later safely, the roller coaster ride has actually gotten us past the dangerous ground and re-taught us the simple value of us, and how special - lucky we are to have eachother to still live our days out with. But we've figured out we care more about living, and laughing, and enjoying our weekend time no matter what we do, we have strange hobbies, his is making fishing lures, and mine has always been jetting in on one part of the family or another when time is available. We've enjoyed our son as he grew through his various stages. He has been priceless. He is smart, funny, has gorgeous eyes the color of my mother's...sometimes just seeing a look, an expression can reduce me to tears, it's appropriate in many ways she loved him very much, and he her. Even when he was naughty he's had an exceptional flair to it. And when he's been good, he's such a wonderful surprise of a human being. And he for certain in this life makes the phrase-no regrets ring totally true, as you couldn't have had the one without the other, he's made us what we are, and we've contributed to who he is in many aspects, so it was a win-win. THE NIGHT he showed up at 2308 after my first call.....Oh when I saw his truck turn the corner and park I was so proud of his depth of love for the man upstairs "his Godfather" who never showed disapproval of his youthful mistakes, another unconditional love that went both ways. We've suffered some family member losses throughout the years that taught us valuable lessons as these years pass so quickly. I, trying to correct any of my own out of balanced karma with him recently told him: "I am sorry, I forgive you, and I do love you" , because I've learned throughout the years that sometimes people get to say goodbye-I love you, and sometimes they do not get that opportunity, he stopped what he was doing and looked up at me, and said "you know I think you've been watching too much TV", and the idiot child in me just smiles.....and treasures him, but I know he'll remember the words one day...and it might help him some as a trap door opens as they do open, and he remembers some infraction committed,is re-triggered, or something I did that causes him grief, and he will also remember that we had a rare love whereby....it was unconditional, it was as good as it gets. When we act up, some are in trouble for a piece of paper they let come into existence & that makes others do things and act out that will cause alot of grief for a large block of time, into a black corridor-travelled until the light is found. You paralell, you mark time, and sometimes you get a second chance...if you still want it. If you're smart enough to overlook and move past old of the old hurts felt or inflicted. We stayed for the love of each other, not for the obligations put upon us by law. It's a piece of paper. We were much more than a piece of paper, we are still much more than a piece of paper. Yes, I am sorry for any of my wrong doings, I forgive you for any of your wrong doings, and I love you very much, with a depth that is not often found or admitted. And one day when all of this is done ....I will find you......even though you're a none believer in the next level.....cross with an open mind.....and I'll know and come for you, and if it gets flipflopped...we'll I believe you'll know if you cross first.....to chill, go see our pals, and then come back for me when it's time.....until then we'll ride shotgun for ours.....

Things We Vow.....For better or for worse

If I could pass once piece of advice onto my child, and my nieces and nephews to utilize and really think about as their own lives progress it would be: Marriage Vows are taken: Echos of: For Better or for worse, in sickness and health, for rich or for poorer, until death us do part, and should be "let no man or woman put us under", is actually let no man put asunder. At times these words can echo, if you're married, and they should if you loved your sweetie with all of your heart the day you married. If it wasn't just mixed up with hormones, a case of mistaken sexual intensity. You fall in love and feel all of the warmth and happiness of that love, you feel that completeness of being together, whether your in a crowded room or alone with each other. It's good. You're both happy. So why do so many people immediately embark on trying to change their partner. You wish they didn't do this, you wish they were more like that. I don't like your friends, I think you're spending to much time with the family, I want us to do this: = a major goal being set up that needs discussion between 2 peoples lives, and here one is heading you to what they want or expect done............. You might have children, and have many wonderful times as the years fly by, you get into conflicts at times as the children try to get their way by pitting one parent against the other an age old game, or you might see each other as more unreasonable on how leisure time is spent, or how much time is spent with family or friends, distance between you opens....leaving a gap, sometimes too big of a gap. You stop talking. You stop doing things together. You begin to walk parallel lines, still heading in the same old direction, but not together. You find yourselves disagreeing about more, and in harmony about less. So many people quit at this point....the big divorce word comes into the picture and far too many people embrace that, instead of trying to remember what good points they've loved in this person of their choice. But most important they forget the vows. When you marry it is supposed to be for life, unless it's a total abuse situation. And you tough out the better, the worse, the rich and poorer, the sickness and the health. Life is supposed to be a roller coaster ride, but just cause there are some tough moments, don't stop laughing, or finding the humor in it, never stop seeing the rainbow that existed in your partner, never stop feeling that heartbeat speed up when they walk into a room. 30 years on the ride and wanting more time with my best friend of adulthood years. Keeping the spark.

A Birthday, remembrances thru emotions

It's still amazing to me all of the emotions a birthday can stimulate. I have been an orphan for the past 4-16 years, dependent on if an orphan after Dad was gone or an orphan after Mom was gone, thus both gone. You never stop missing your parents if they were well loved by you, and you well loved by them. (It is the unconditional love between parents and their children, nothings too big to be forgiven, when you're a teen they just want to see you survive until adulthood strikes, although that days goal can be different for each young adult.) My Dad knew this as he had tears escaping his beautiful brown eyes 7 days before he would pass as we stood at his parents graves, and his parent had been gone along time, but in my Dads words " You never stop missing them". He died a week later in 1990 from an aortic aneurysm, surgery successful, patient passed out of this bodily world from too much damage to the heart from heart attack suffered at the burst. He was a good man, and a good father. A Hard Worker of double jobs for many years. His real personality was able to come to life as his work schedule diminished, and he had the time to be himself, and finally enjoy his family and it's host of characters. God's he took me fishing with him, which was cool, he'd rather have been with my brother any day fishing, but no he was stuck with a girl who had to pee way to often out in a boat that the girl couldn't pee over...like a boy could. Then I cast my rod at one point, ask my brother I do love casting the fishing rod, and my poor reel flew off into the water. I had the same bad grace that day to help my Dad by pulling the anchor up, and instead it fell off into the Pistakee Bay waters. God's by the time we came home, he must have wanted to shoot me, but instead he asked if I had a nice day. Yes I did, as long as I was out with him, sunshine or raincoats, pee trips, or my ungraceful moments, and I was the child who still got car sick on long rides, hell that didn't leave me till I was a driver, then I learned car sickness comes from looking around, the driver must focus ahead, and poof it was gone at 16 yrs of age., but not at twelve. I miss gardening with my Dad. When I 16 he started teaching me to always give back to the earth and soil. I miss my mother's simple " I love you, Kath". Kath is a term of endearment only used by my mother in love mode, and my husband when he likes me. Kath is who is inside of me the most out of these multiple personalities I've developed in life. My Mom was my best friend in many ways, for oh so many years, I miss her many days, I miss her beautiful green eyes although my son has her eyes, and every once in awhile he have some trace of her show through in his expressions, that just make me marvel at him & think of her. She loved him well, so it all works. My son has mental capacities similar to my father as does our nephew on our blood side, he's got so many of my Dad's qualities of practicality that I'm am enchantingly mesmerized when it presents itself. I miss sitting around after a big meal, and talking with my parents, and siblings, and all the family members we've accrued as we married and grew. I miss them raising their voices to make their point against the other, smiling and laughing as we conversed. My husband well known by my side of the family as needing a soap box to speak from used to sit up on my kitchen counters at times when gathered and there he's go making his points on the topic of the hour, he eventually landed his ass in the birthday cake that was sitting next to him on the counter. He became another person who was well loved by my Mom and Dad, they called him their third son. He never really realized how proud they were of him and his self growth, they watched him become a man from a young man, they watched him follow his path and become who he wanted to become. The carpenter, their daughter's husband, the father of our son, their friend and a trusted " What does Ricky think?" became a question asked me often. Yes I am like Scarlett a bit & her friends of the old south missing other times, other friends. "And a civilization Gone with the Wind" One simple truth, You never do stop missing them.

A Hard World, but Always Worth the Journey

It's remarkable how harsh some time periods can be, and yet you always have to keep some form of humor, and continue to see some sunshine, some rainbows. I have my husband for now, who is one of my rainbows, we have a wonderful son for now, who is a ray of sunlight whereby you see the prisms of light. I have two blood brothers for now, who have both taught me to survive at one time or another. To them both I say "I forgive you, I am sorry & I love you" both, as I struggle to fix my karma before check out time. I have numerous good family bonds on my husbands side, we're each others strength and entertainment at times. I have found that each day, each week, each month, each year is worth the journey., it's an incredible life we have the chance to live, and we hopefully are all embracing it. I'm 52 years old very soon, and I still dance every chance I get. My karma is pretty good, and all of the above has enhanced my soul.

The Groundhogs Day & St. Valentine's Day

So if you came out on a day like today, 8 degrees above 0, tell me whether you would stay around to see your shadow? Grounds Hog Day when I was little meant Valentine's was coming, My Dad would bring a box of candy, HEART SHAPED direct from Fannie Mays for my Mom, and they'd give eachother a little pretty card, sometimes he's get us a little heart of candy the three of us would share. It was one of the evenings when they'd put their 33 records or 78's on the phonograph, they dance a bit before dinner, Dad would croon in Ma's ear, and they hold hands and smile at eachother. I was happy for them and happier for me as I knew the day after Valentine's was my birthday. I knew the next day I would get a card that was pretty, and maybe a new baby doll. My dolly Susie I am so sorry I fed you the bread soup through the hole in your mouth, I swear I never wanted you to get the black spotted bubonic plague and have to get buried in the backyard with Pokey the turtle, fish and Petie our parakeet. I learned that just cause a Doll has a hole in between her lips, you shouldn't necessarily feed them. This is being written by Chicky (who was the child.)

Solar Eclipse of the Mind

September of 2006: Three of us were having strange health problems at one time: One was being groomed for a possible kidney being removed, I was being sent for an MRI of the brain- the doctor suspected I had a brain tumor due to the distinct hearing loss, and our third friend they suspected a blockage in an artery causing seizures, we were all scared. I called my friend who was having the seizures while I waited for the MRI, we both wondered what we'd find at the end of our tests. We agreed it was scary not knowing. The younger man with the kidney, lucked out, it was something else. I lucked out, it was something else. My friend with the seizures did not luck out: Sometimes we have bad things happen or shape up in life and it becomes very hard to cope with the events, it's as if a giant cloud has rolled infront of the sun, and you sink down in depths and can't find your way up to the light. It tends to make the thinking powers go into such a warp speed that you're almost ready to shutdown as if electrically overloaded. In our case it's a fine man, a gentle man, a younger man than you might think, who has been a main artery in a vast family, who has always lent a hand to anyone in need, always had a kind word for those of us who are have been worn down or weary by our days, always sent us on our way a little bit more optimistic than we had been. I call him in jest "our GodFather", I kiss his hand at times to make him laugh...when he is in GodFather Mode. He is our friend, our confessional, he knows all of our little secrets, oddly enough he has never judged any of us., the way we sometimes do to others. Our fine man has been a body victim of the the condition known as cancer, brain cancer, glioblastoma the meanest of them all. He has won small battles with this body invader, and it still prevails, it is incidious. We must try to keep him focused, not discouraged. We must try and get him to look at all the options. But this will be very difficult, I hope he knows known of us can let this condition win without more battle. He is named for one of the Angels, his Aura which I can be blessed with seeing on people has always been a translucent white, this should not be happening to him. There must be a way around this one, at the very least more....more days, more time, more laughs, more conversations, more gatherings. There must be a way........

Keeping our own bodies healthy

So much reading, so little time. Sometimes we are halted in our walk thru life and we need to take the time to find out more about what's good for our own human bodies. We can find out so much we didn't know before. We can find out that Alkaline Food Groups should be 80% of our intake, and Acidic Food Groups 20%., not the other way around as most of us consume....totally headed in the wrong direction. We can find out that our own bodies should be tested for PH, and that our PH Level should be 7.4 or so (Most of us would fail miserably). We can find out that this type of proper food group intake would conduct oxygen to our cells, which is badly needed to keep them healthy and fighting our own bodies battles. We can come to find out, no surprise, that we have been our own worst enemy in body preservation, body repair, and fighting illnesses, just due to the wrong %'s of food group intake. We are and have been so ignorant in our bodies care, for so long that it becomes hard to climb out of the years of habit. But we will try, and by trying, we might make things a little better.

Best Days in Your Life

The Best Days of Your Life Was it discovering Caterpillars, and holding the poor thing all day? Ooh it's a worm in disguise?Was it the day a boy named Allan Miller kissed you on Moose's kindergarten Floor?Was it the day your mother bought you a soft ball size green rubber ball from the corner drug store across from Humboldt Park, which by the way had a stone drinking water fountain in front of it, and a soda parlor inside of it?Or was it the day you filled up your new baby buggy with dirt and worms and hauled it up 2 flights of stairs, and tried to implore you mother to let them sleep with you that night?=Memories from a child of 4-5 yrs old.Was it learning to love music from an early age (due to an Irish and Polish influence, ooh only some people know how to celebrate St. Pat's & St. Joseph's Day, a split household ethnically balanced in March each year)?Was it the first time you saw a rainbow stretched out over Humboldt Park?Was it going to church on Sunday and not dropping your little purse or gloves in the gutter as you existed the 55 Plymouth?Or was it listening to your brother sing like an alter boy angel every time he was on the swings, with that wonderful boy soprano voice he had?Was it the day your parents renewed their wedding vows after a very harsh time period for them?Or was it the day you met the man who would still make your heart do somersault's thirty years later?Was it the night he proposed?Or was it the cold February Day you stood on the church steps, smiling and laughing together while people pelted you with rice?Was it another day in February when you got to kiss your little boys forehead after he was born?Or was it the day you laugh so hard cause the same little boy had fallen out front, noticed his knee skin was gone, and demanded of you that you go get it off the sidewalk and put it right back on his knee?Was it all the days you looked into your husbands eyes and saw the love mirrored back at you?Was it the day you buried your mom, and extreme happiness came to you knowing she was within touch of your Dad's casket, and you knew a long and harsh journey had been ended well?Was it any Day your child laughed out loud and made you start laughing just for the sound of his?Was it the day you stood out in your yard viewing the garden of veggies and flowers with your angel standing watch, your husband beside you, and you cried for happiness?Or was it all those days?I think we are blessed with the many best days in our life. Posted by Heartbeat at 4:03 AM 0 comments: Post a Comment Older Post Home Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) Blog Archive ▼ 2007 (2) ▼ January (2) The Best Days of Your Life Me ke aloha ► 2006 (1) ► December (1) All Set For You Contributors Heartbeat The Talker

A Day in the Life of Sunshine (Edit 7/10/08)

To begin Sunshine's Blog, she asks:

Have you ever really seen the sunrise?

Many people think they've seen a sunrise, but how many have stood on a cold pitch dark beach in Florida at 3:30am and actually waited for the sun to rise out of that spectacular darkness, and bring it's warmth of day with it's wonderful colors which light our path?

When I was 18 my brothers took me on vacation with them to Daytona Beach, Florida, when we got there it was still dark for about 10 minutes, and then day break commenced, it was wonderful.

I so thought that this was a wonderful way to see a sunrise, so much so that years later back in April of 2000 I drove at 3:00am from Orlando to Daytona with my son, his best friend, and my friend Kathy so they could see the sun rise out of pitch black darkness., It makes all the difference.
First the dark, then that first slight reference to light way out on the horizon that brings the gulls and sandpipers with it, then a greater amount of light, and finally a slight orange that bursts forth into a ball of fire rising up out of the sea, bringing all types of promise for what the day will hold.
Now remember no matter what goes on in your today or my today, there is a sunrise and a sunset of magnificence, somewhere, someplace with the ocean tide as a musical background, gulls flying over and sandpipers landing on the beach, witnessed by many each and everyday.

And I have caught the sunset out west with my brother near Laguana Beach, it is a powerful sight as well.

Sunrise, Sunset like beautiful book covers to each days chapter.

My First Blog day and such a beautiful message sent to me. I have carried the feeling of these words with me for some time now:

Me ke aloha
aloha - love.Like most Hawaiian words, it has a variety of meanings:As a greeting it means hello or goodbye. As a noun it means, compassion, mercy, love, lover, grace, kindness. As an adjective, beloved, kind, charitable. As a verb: to love, to pity, to venerate. In some contexts it can even mean alas! In the doubled form: Alohaloha means to make love, express gratitude, affection, or compassion, or to give thanksMe ke aloha - With lovemahalo - Thank you.Possibly of portugese origin. Sometimes seen with the modifiers "Nui Loa", meaning "Big".
Posted by The Talker at 1:47 PM 1 comments
Saturday, December 30, 2006

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