One of Our Guardian Angels

The question constantly asked was "Why Him, why not one of us or me?" I swear I've heard this question as many as 40 times in the last few months. At first I was good with the question as it had passed my own mind, but of late it irks me, as I was still looking for the answer. Sometimes the answer is close at hand, almost tangible like those thoughts that come to us in high fever state...where it is just a strand....yet elusive. Sometimes it's so simple, it eludes you as you were looking for something complex. I think I've figured out the only answer why our best and strongest but also so young would go first: He's going now to check it all out for us. As my own Ma & Dad pegged him after a trip in Wisconsin rendered them lost and then found: "The GENERAL" is going ahead of us to make way for the rest of us who will catch up with him sooner or later in the next few years, he is paving the way and scouting out the future land, so he can ease our paths later., as he has tried so hard to do in this life land, so he will do in death land. He's been riding shotgun for many of us all of these years, one of the few who always listened more than he spoke, so when he spoke, you listened to his infrequent words. It's raining hard and I can't help but wonder when he'll embark on his journey. Love to you from all of us, we'll see you soon.

In Sickness and In Health

When we were children and she became sick, he was forced instantly into a double mortgage even though we'd moved in the month before, he was plunged into double jobs to make all the payments on the double loans and hospital and doctors bills. He still made the time to go and visit her. He tried to run a very scary little household inhibited by his three children ages 6, 10 and 12, the eldest having the responsibility of rearing the two youngest siblings, cooking for them, ironing their parochial school mandatory uniforms, washing clothes, and 7th grader trying to be Mom and Dad cause they weren't really there at the time, they had stepped out of the picture into another dimension, the eldest caring for us would be hospitalized within a year at the age of 12-13 for an ulcer a kid just shouldn't have had. We survived! Things slowly after 3 - 5 years we're getting better. Many years later I heard one of my siblings wonder why all of that sacrifice was made, why did they tough it out, why hadn't they given us a better start????? In "sickness and in health" is a loaded vow, one of the hardest to keep. I see it repeated here and there throughout the years, especially so much through the years of Real Estate I would have divorcing people...who didn't even remember or acknowledge they once loved the other big time, and that the actually admire the person character, I saw screaming matches in front of little children...their children that just shouldn't have happened at all. So many people would simply walk away from the other, and some stay and fight so fiercely to keep as much the same, to give as much love and laughter to their other half, it is truely admirable the bond that ties them together. Others stay together for the love of their children they've chosen to bring into this world, and as the children grow up and out of the household they stay together again by choice. They do love their spouse, it's just a love that's taken on different dimensions than the one they started out with. They are best friends and have shared so many moments, days, and years they can't or won't imagine going it on their own. Why would they want to? The actually love eachother alot more than they know.....and when illness threatens family or the other....it put that love back into perspective

It is their baggage, not yours....moving on

This is written by a parent who cares about a son grown now into a man, he has his whole life ahead of him, and sometimes when life hands him an unfair hand his pain she sees and feels, she knows more of the answers and bottom lines than he does as she is older and somewhat wiser these days, and she wants to explain to him a different perspective...while you grieve over a relationship that's become tainted and changed: We believe in our parents from the early days that is where our trust somes from originally. We believe in our friends as they surround us, our teachers in schools, we believe in companies once we're working, we believe in the country leaders. We believe in God, some believe in their church, clergy, reverents. Then we fall in love and really believe in our significant other. We simply place them up on a pedestal that few could stay balanced on for long. They fall off, we're shocked. Truth is we shouldn't have put them up there in the first place, to err is human. We trust that every word spoken by them is truth, we believe in them to the point of acting like they have a super power, when in fact they are just ordinary humans like ourselves. You loved me last week, but don't love me today, you're walking away?, you're shocked, what happened, what did I do to deserve this, what's wrong with me you ask yourself, how could they walk away? The simple answer is: it's not you, it's them. They changed, you didn't. It's their baggage, not yours. (It's actually very similar to being laid off by a company that's employed you for years. It lowers self esteem this action of having laid you off. You question what did I do? What didn't I do? What's wrong with me? It's very simple the company changed, and no longer needed your services. It doesn't mean you still didn't know how to do the job. It doesn't make you less of a knowledgable person who can and will provide good services to someone else in the future. But many suffered a loss of identity crisis, as they've tied so much of their daily self or personality into who they were at that job.) So, clear your head, work on key inward points that you should be critiquing about yourself as you go through life, keep trying to reach your goals, keep trying to find the beauty out there in life that our senses enable you to perceive, and you'll keep growing into a finer human, even though various people will walk away from you in your life. Think of all the cool ones you'll meet on the journey. Look for the sunrises, the rainbows, the butterflies, dragonflies of so many colors, and the sunsets, they are all valuable for their beauty, and so are you my son. Value yourself always, especially when someone tries to tear you down, remember who and what you are, and remember where you came from.

Admiration of My Man and His Son

The first time I saw him November 14th 1975, I was out with my brother driving down Bryn Mawr by Austin in my Ford Torino, and my brother had me honk and said to pull over, there was his friend Rick out with another person we both knew George whom I'd grown up with, but I'd only heard of Rick as someone my brother wanted me to meet and possibly teach some guitar to. Ricky was driving a 1955 Baby blue Buick, which he never got out of that day. I liked him, his mannerisms. A week later my brother would have a party and I would meet Rick again. He dodged me all night, my friend Joey who had grown up with both of my brothers...and had protected me for years as another brother thought it was funny, and told me to go for it. I tried one more time to make contact with Rick and he still eluded me, so I gave it up, and went into my brothers room where it was quieter and sat down and played guitar. This time I was approached by the young man. And that is how we started down this long road of ours. We went out to have a burger, and talk some, and then we found out we liked kissing each other. In small ways it started with the attraction. An attraction to a young man who wasn't afraid to dance to his own tune. He was thought to be introverted at that time, but had longer hair flowing down his back, at times he wore a pony tail like me. He had a cute jean cap, and always wore a black velvet blazer, over jeans that showed his long legs, his shirts were either denim shirts or sometimes a simple long sleeve shirt with sewn in patches his baby sister had put on for him. He was gorgeous and exactly what this slightly eccentric daydreamer wanted in a young man. We had all of the right things in common, peanut butter & butter sandwiches, ketchup, guitars, he had a 55 light blue buick, and I was born in 55, and my first family car I remember was a light blue 55 plymouth, it was nothing to some but alot of cool paralell's to me, he was as unusual in a peaceful non comformist-rebellious way as I was. We loved music, and had many artists we could share. Our third encounter I took him to a park nearby with guitar in hand and taught him how to play Moody Blues Night in White Satin...which was appropriate as it was a fall night out in the small park called Triangle Park off of Harlem near Nina, and in that park I think we felt some type of depth of likeness, something we wanted to pursue and explore. More kissing, and the thought "I'll never let him go" shoots through me. And we're off............. We were both into giving to people, instead of taking as some gravitate towards. We liked simple things. We were practical and never turned into full fledged yuppies as our peers did. We have arrived at a point some 32 yrs later safely, the roller coaster ride has actually gotten us past the dangerous ground and re-taught us the simple value of us, and how special - lucky we are to have eachother to still live our days out with. But we've figured out we care more about living, and laughing, and enjoying our weekend time no matter what we do, we have strange hobbies, his is making fishing lures, and mine has always been jetting in on one part of the family or another when time is available. We've enjoyed our son as he grew through his various stages. He has been priceless. He is smart, funny, has gorgeous eyes the color of my mother's...sometimes just seeing a look, an expression can reduce me to tears, it's appropriate in many ways she loved him very much, and he her. Even when he was naughty he's had an exceptional flair to it. And when he's been good, he's such a wonderful surprise of a human being. And he for certain in this life makes the phrase-no regrets ring totally true, as you couldn't have had the one without the other, he's made us what we are, and we've contributed to who he is in many aspects, so it was a win-win. THE NIGHT he showed up at 2308 after my first call.....Oh when I saw his truck turn the corner and park I was so proud of his depth of love for the man upstairs "his Godfather" who never showed disapproval of his youthful mistakes, another unconditional love that went both ways. We've suffered some family member losses throughout the years that taught us valuable lessons as these years pass so quickly. I, trying to correct any of my own out of balanced karma with him recently told him: "I am sorry, I forgive you, and I do love you" , because I've learned throughout the years that sometimes people get to say goodbye-I love you, and sometimes they do not get that opportunity, he stopped what he was doing and looked up at me, and said "you know I think you've been watching too much TV", and the idiot child in me just smiles.....and treasures him, but I know he'll remember the words one day...and it might help him some as a trap door opens as they do open, and he remembers some infraction committed,is re-triggered, or something I did that causes him grief, and he will also remember that we had a rare love whereby....it was unconditional, it was as good as it gets. When we act up, some are in trouble for a piece of paper they let come into existence & that makes others do things and act out that will cause alot of grief for a large block of time, into a black corridor-travelled until the light is found. You paralell, you mark time, and sometimes you get a second chance...if you still want it. If you're smart enough to overlook and move past old of the old hurts felt or inflicted. We stayed for the love of each other, not for the obligations put upon us by law. It's a piece of paper. We were much more than a piece of paper, we are still much more than a piece of paper. Yes, I am sorry for any of my wrong doings, I forgive you for any of your wrong doings, and I love you very much, with a depth that is not often found or admitted. And one day when all of this is done ....I will find you......even though you're a none believer in the next level.....cross with an open mind.....and I'll know and come for you, and if it gets flipflopped...we'll I believe you'll know if you cross first.....to chill, go see our pals, and then come back for me when it's time.....until then we'll ride shotgun for ours.....

Things We Vow.....For better or for worse

If I could pass once piece of advice onto my child, and my nieces and nephews to utilize and really think about as their own lives progress it would be: Marriage Vows are taken: Echos of: For Better or for worse, in sickness and health, for rich or for poorer, until death us do part, and should be "let no man or woman put us under", is actually let no man put asunder. At times these words can echo, if you're married, and they should if you loved your sweetie with all of your heart the day you married. If it wasn't just mixed up with hormones, a case of mistaken sexual intensity. You fall in love and feel all of the warmth and happiness of that love, you feel that completeness of being together, whether your in a crowded room or alone with each other. It's good. You're both happy. So why do so many people immediately embark on trying to change their partner. You wish they didn't do this, you wish they were more like that. I don't like your friends, I think you're spending to much time with the family, I want us to do this: = a major goal being set up that needs discussion between 2 peoples lives, and here one is heading you to what they want or expect done............. You might have children, and have many wonderful times as the years fly by, you get into conflicts at times as the children try to get their way by pitting one parent against the other an age old game, or you might see each other as more unreasonable on how leisure time is spent, or how much time is spent with family or friends, distance between you opens....leaving a gap, sometimes too big of a gap. You stop talking. You stop doing things together. You begin to walk parallel lines, still heading in the same old direction, but not together. You find yourselves disagreeing about more, and in harmony about less. So many people quit at this point....the big divorce word comes into the picture and far too many people embrace that, instead of trying to remember what good points they've loved in this person of their choice. But most important they forget the vows. When you marry it is supposed to be for life, unless it's a total abuse situation. And you tough out the better, the worse, the rich and poorer, the sickness and the health. Life is supposed to be a roller coaster ride, but just cause there are some tough moments, don't stop laughing, or finding the humor in it, never stop seeing the rainbow that existed in your partner, never stop feeling that heartbeat speed up when they walk into a room. 30 years on the ride and wanting more time with my best friend of adulthood years. Keeping the spark.

A Birthday, remembrances thru emotions

It's still amazing to me all of the emotions a birthday can stimulate. I have been an orphan for the past 4-16 years, dependent on if an orphan after Dad was gone or an orphan after Mom was gone, thus both gone. You never stop missing your parents if they were well loved by you, and you well loved by them. (It is the unconditional love between parents and their children, nothings too big to be forgiven, when you're a teen they just want to see you survive until adulthood strikes, although that days goal can be different for each young adult.) My Dad knew this as he had tears escaping his beautiful brown eyes 7 days before he would pass as we stood at his parents graves, and his parent had been gone along time, but in my Dads words " You never stop missing them". He died a week later in 1990 from an aortic aneurysm, surgery successful, patient passed out of this bodily world from too much damage to the heart from heart attack suffered at the burst. He was a good man, and a good father. A Hard Worker of double jobs for many years. His real personality was able to come to life as his work schedule diminished, and he had the time to be himself, and finally enjoy his family and it's host of characters. God's he took me fishing with him, which was cool, he'd rather have been with my brother any day fishing, but no he was stuck with a girl who had to pee way to often out in a boat that the girl couldn't pee over...like a boy could. Then I cast my rod at one point, ask my brother I do love casting the fishing rod, and my poor reel flew off into the water. I had the same bad grace that day to help my Dad by pulling the anchor up, and instead it fell off into the Pistakee Bay waters. God's by the time we came home, he must have wanted to shoot me, but instead he asked if I had a nice day. Yes I did, as long as I was out with him, sunshine or raincoats, pee trips, or my ungraceful moments, and I was the child who still got car sick on long rides, hell that didn't leave me till I was a driver, then I learned car sickness comes from looking around, the driver must focus ahead, and poof it was gone at 16 yrs of age., but not at twelve. I miss gardening with my Dad. When I 16 he started teaching me to always give back to the earth and soil. I miss my mother's simple " I love you, Kath". Kath is a term of endearment only used by my mother in love mode, and my husband when he likes me. Kath is who is inside of me the most out of these multiple personalities I've developed in life. My Mom was my best friend in many ways, for oh so many years, I miss her many days, I miss her beautiful green eyes although my son has her eyes, and every once in awhile he have some trace of her show through in his expressions, that just make me marvel at him & think of her. She loved him well, so it all works. My son has mental capacities similar to my father as does our nephew on our blood side, he's got so many of my Dad's qualities of practicality that I'm am enchantingly mesmerized when it presents itself. I miss sitting around after a big meal, and talking with my parents, and siblings, and all the family members we've accrued as we married and grew. I miss them raising their voices to make their point against the other, smiling and laughing as we conversed. My husband well known by my side of the family as needing a soap box to speak from used to sit up on my kitchen counters at times when gathered and there he's go making his points on the topic of the hour, he eventually landed his ass in the birthday cake that was sitting next to him on the counter. He became another person who was well loved by my Mom and Dad, they called him their third son. He never really realized how proud they were of him and his self growth, they watched him become a man from a young man, they watched him follow his path and become who he wanted to become. The carpenter, their daughter's husband, the father of our son, their friend and a trusted " What does Ricky think?" became a question asked me often. Yes I am like Scarlett a bit & her friends of the old south missing other times, other friends. "And a civilization Gone with the Wind" One simple truth, You never do stop missing them.

A Hard World, but Always Worth the Journey

It's remarkable how harsh some time periods can be, and yet you always have to keep some form of humor, and continue to see some sunshine, some rainbows. I have my husband for now, who is one of my rainbows, we have a wonderful son for now, who is a ray of sunlight whereby you see the prisms of light. I have two blood brothers for now, who have both taught me to survive at one time or another. To them both I say "I forgive you, I am sorry & I love you" both, as I struggle to fix my karma before check out time. I have numerous good family bonds on my husbands side, we're each others strength and entertainment at times. I have found that each day, each week, each month, each year is worth the journey., it's an incredible life we have the chance to live, and we hopefully are all embracing it. I'm 52 years old very soon, and I still dance every chance I get. My karma is pretty good, and all of the above has enhanced my soul.

The Groundhogs Day & St. Valentine's Day

So if you came out on a day like today, 8 degrees above 0, tell me whether you would stay around to see your shadow? Grounds Hog Day when I was little meant Valentine's was coming, My Dad would bring a box of candy, HEART SHAPED direct from Fannie Mays for my Mom, and they'd give eachother a little pretty card, sometimes he's get us a little heart of candy the three of us would share. It was one of the evenings when they'd put their 33 records or 78's on the phonograph, they dance a bit before dinner, Dad would croon in Ma's ear, and they hold hands and smile at eachother. I was happy for them and happier for me as I knew the day after Valentine's was my birthday. I knew the next day I would get a card that was pretty, and maybe a new baby doll. My dolly Susie I am so sorry I fed you the bread soup through the hole in your mouth, I swear I never wanted you to get the black spotted bubonic plague and have to get buried in the backyard with Pokey the turtle, fish and Petie our parakeet. I learned that just cause a Doll has a hole in between her lips, you shouldn't necessarily feed them. This is being written by Chicky (who was the child.)

Solar Eclipse of the Mind

September of 2006: Three of us were having strange health problems at one time: One was being groomed for a possible kidney being removed, I was being sent for an MRI of the brain- the doctor suspected I had a brain tumor due to the distinct hearing loss, and our third friend they suspected a blockage in an artery causing seizures, we were all scared. I called my friend who was having the seizures while I waited for the MRI, we both wondered what we'd find at the end of our tests. We agreed it was scary not knowing. The younger man with the kidney, lucked out, it was something else. I lucked out, it was something else. My friend with the seizures did not luck out: Sometimes we have bad things happen or shape up in life and it becomes very hard to cope with the events, it's as if a giant cloud has rolled infront of the sun, and you sink down in depths and can't find your way up to the light. It tends to make the thinking powers go into such a warp speed that you're almost ready to shutdown as if electrically overloaded. In our case it's a fine man, a gentle man, a younger man than you might think, who has been a main artery in a vast family, who has always lent a hand to anyone in need, always had a kind word for those of us who are have been worn down or weary by our days, always sent us on our way a little bit more optimistic than we had been. I call him in jest "our GodFather", I kiss his hand at times to make him laugh...when he is in GodFather Mode. He is our friend, our confessional, he knows all of our little secrets, oddly enough he has never judged any of us., the way we sometimes do to others. Our fine man has been a body victim of the the condition known as cancer, brain cancer, glioblastoma the meanest of them all. He has won small battles with this body invader, and it still prevails, it is incidious. We must try to keep him focused, not discouraged. We must try and get him to look at all the options. But this will be very difficult, I hope he knows known of us can let this condition win without more battle. He is named for one of the Angels, his Aura which I can be blessed with seeing on people has always been a translucent white, this should not be happening to him. There must be a way around this one, at the very least more....more days, more time, more laughs, more conversations, more gatherings. There must be a way........

Keeping our own bodies healthy

So much reading, so little time. Sometimes we are halted in our walk thru life and we need to take the time to find out more about what's good for our own human bodies. We can find out so much we didn't know before. We can find out that Alkaline Food Groups should be 80% of our intake, and Acidic Food Groups 20%., not the other way around as most of us consume....totally headed in the wrong direction. We can find out that our own bodies should be tested for PH, and that our PH Level should be 7.4 or so (Most of us would fail miserably). We can find out that this type of proper food group intake would conduct oxygen to our cells, which is badly needed to keep them healthy and fighting our own bodies battles. We can come to find out, no surprise, that we have been our own worst enemy in body preservation, body repair, and fighting illnesses, just due to the wrong %'s of food group intake. We are and have been so ignorant in our bodies care, for so long that it becomes hard to climb out of the years of habit. But we will try, and by trying, we might make things a little better.

Best Days in Your Life

The Best Days of Your Life Was it discovering Caterpillars, and holding the poor thing all day? Ooh it's a worm in disguise?Was it the day a boy named Allan Miller kissed you on Moose's kindergarten Floor?Was it the day your mother bought you a soft ball size green rubber ball from the corner drug store across from Humboldt Park, which by the way had a stone drinking water fountain in front of it, and a soda parlor inside of it?Or was it the day you filled up your new baby buggy with dirt and worms and hauled it up 2 flights of stairs, and tried to implore you mother to let them sleep with you that night?=Memories from a child of 4-5 yrs old.Was it learning to love music from an early age (due to an Irish and Polish influence, ooh only some people know how to celebrate St. Pat's & St. Joseph's Day, a split household ethnically balanced in March each year)?Was it the first time you saw a rainbow stretched out over Humboldt Park?Was it going to church on Sunday and not dropping your little purse or gloves in the gutter as you existed the 55 Plymouth?Or was it listening to your brother sing like an alter boy angel every time he was on the swings, with that wonderful boy soprano voice he had?Was it the day your parents renewed their wedding vows after a very harsh time period for them?Or was it the day you met the man who would still make your heart do somersault's thirty years later?Was it the night he proposed?Or was it the cold February Day you stood on the church steps, smiling and laughing together while people pelted you with rice?Was it another day in February when you got to kiss your little boys forehead after he was born?Or was it the day you laugh so hard cause the same little boy had fallen out front, noticed his knee skin was gone, and demanded of you that you go get it off the sidewalk and put it right back on his knee?Was it all the days you looked into your husbands eyes and saw the love mirrored back at you?Was it the day you buried your mom, and extreme happiness came to you knowing she was within touch of your Dad's casket, and you knew a long and harsh journey had been ended well?Was it any Day your child laughed out loud and made you start laughing just for the sound of his?Was it the day you stood out in your yard viewing the garden of veggies and flowers with your angel standing watch, your husband beside you, and you cried for happiness?Or was it all those days?I think we are blessed with the many best days in our life. Posted by Heartbeat at 4:03 AM 0 comments: Post a Comment Older Post Home Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom) Blog Archive ▼ 2007 (2) ▼ January (2) The Best Days of Your Life Me ke aloha ► 2006 (1) ► December (1) All Set For You Contributors Heartbeat The Talker

A Day in the Life of Sunshine (Edit 7/10/08)

To begin Sunshine's Blog, she asks:

Have you ever really seen the sunrise?

Many people think they've seen a sunrise, but how many have stood on a cold pitch dark beach in Florida at 3:30am and actually waited for the sun to rise out of that spectacular darkness, and bring it's warmth of day with it's wonderful colors which light our path?

When I was 18 my brothers took me on vacation with them to Daytona Beach, Florida, when we got there it was still dark for about 10 minutes, and then day break commenced, it was wonderful.

I so thought that this was a wonderful way to see a sunrise, so much so that years later back in April of 2000 I drove at 3:00am from Orlando to Daytona with my son, his best friend, and my friend Kathy so they could see the sun rise out of pitch black darkness., It makes all the difference.
First the dark, then that first slight reference to light way out on the horizon that brings the gulls and sandpipers with it, then a greater amount of light, and finally a slight orange that bursts forth into a ball of fire rising up out of the sea, bringing all types of promise for what the day will hold.
Now remember no matter what goes on in your today or my today, there is a sunrise and a sunset of magnificence, somewhere, someplace with the ocean tide as a musical background, gulls flying over and sandpipers landing on the beach, witnessed by many each and everyday.

And I have caught the sunset out west with my brother near Laguana Beach, it is a powerful sight as well.

Sunrise, Sunset like beautiful book covers to each days chapter.

My First Blog day and such a beautiful message sent to me. I have carried the feeling of these words with me for some time now:

Me ke aloha
aloha - love.Like most Hawaiian words, it has a variety of meanings:As a greeting it means hello or goodbye. As a noun it means, compassion, mercy, love, lover, grace, kindness. As an adjective, beloved, kind, charitable. As a verb: to love, to pity, to venerate. In some contexts it can even mean alas! In the doubled form: Alohaloha means to make love, express gratitude, affection, or compassion, or to give thanksMe ke aloha - With lovemahalo - Thank you.Possibly of portugese origin. Sometimes seen with the modifiers "Nui Loa", meaning "Big".
Posted by The Talker at 1:47 PM 1 comments
Saturday, December 30, 2006

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