Dreaming

Mom trashing covered by a sheet, face showing good sign, told her she's be okay, kept thrashing, "It's ok Mama, you'll be okay..... Suddenly I remember where the light yellow sheet was from and that it was on the final bed when they came to collect her for service preparations......I wake up still staying it's okay and in my inside mind I know it's not.....and oh God's I come to realize it's really Rick doing the trashing about, some unknown night terror chasing him, and I tell him it's okay, rub back, sooth.....nothing okay, what did this dream mean....some of it is common sense, and at the same time I should hide under the rock. Dana is right this sleep is not sleep......it's so consciously awake, it's a joke to call it sleep. What do dreams really mean? It's not always evident.

Homes and Clients

In 1986 I went to school for Real Estate, my son was 3 yrs old, slowly and painstakening it evolved into a nice comfortable extra nest egg for the family. First it replaced sidejobs my carpenter husband had previously worked at. Commissions are paid after the successful closing of a property you either had marketed, or brought a buyer to. Usually you would have time to gain a rapport with the buyer, use some humor, some education skills if the were new to the process. You would develop negotiating skills as time went by to be service your clients. I farmed my given territory with newsletters, and developed a 3/4 Marketing, 1/4 buyer pie for myself. Certains it grew and strenghtened, and as funny girl would learn, other years it would decline so sharply it could set a self employed person on their ass. The rise and fall of...... Real Estate is a great way to see people in action, at their best, at their worst. Divorce, oh what a sad shape of affairs, screaming over your children at a spouse you once loved and valued, the poor little girl who put the sign on her bedroom door saying "no yelling or screaming in my room" Children should be nutured, they are not divorcing their parent. It is a marriage to be dissolved, it is two paths that can't travel in the same direction, it is one of you changed and not the other, but it is not the child's relationship, they have their own relationship. Battered wives trying to find a place to live where they won't be found by the stalker, it took him three years after the initial beating when she lived on a first floor and he crashed his way through the patio door-she would cringe when people tried to hug her or touch her....he had beaten so badly...face, ribs, spirit all broken and therefore uprooting of her life before he found her again, that's four years after a different type of divorce than the first I cited. Cancer victim selling his unit while on hospice there, (so his greedy and believe me they were )children wouldn't feud over it. All the trips on a saturday or sunday to meet people at a house in a town miles away, cell phone with you, but could they have the decency to call and cancel when they knew they didn't like the color of the siding, or it had no curb apeal for them.....no most of them would leave you sit out in front of it....waiting for someone who was truly WASTING your time, like you didn't want to get back home to your own family or dinner preparations??? The wife wants a 2 story the husband wants a ranch = A Split level home, but it takes time to work that out. Newly weds take them out looking for 6 months, really 6 months, buy the first house they had ever been shown.....should have been running my Dad to the doctor instead, maybe the aneuyrism would have been heard, caught, oh how we judge ourselves. Some nice couples, some nice families, all the laws to watch so you don't violate anyones rights, all the long term lookers, all the nights, weekends, missed occassions, out in farmland USA, vulnerable, meeting strangers, traditionally average of 16 realtors murdered every year, some by serial killers who look for only woman realtors, stopped the opens houses....first no more vacant homes after trapped in wrong end of house, thought I was gonna die, thank God they came and got him and explained he was just an overly friend mentally challenged person, now called mentally challenged, scared the hell out of me, but at least I learned....what not to do. Inhabited homes, still letting in people from street, thieves, snooping neighbors, un-qualified buyers, leaving 5% of them as qualified, crazy....not anything I believe in. You want to buy real estate, get to a lender, see what you can afford, call the local realtor of your choice, set up several weekend viewings, can do 4-6 homes in one outting and after that you'll confused, "Know it when you see it", and move on it quickly, a good attorney can kill any contract, just as a good attorney can keep any contract alive as long as their arrogance doesn't cloud the horizon. Helping people is a good goal, but it does require time and patience, it requires taking control and guiding them until they realize they've found what they were seeking.

Sunshine, a nickname and where it came from

When I was 18 at my first full time job I was working in this correspondence schools mail room, and with in the company there were three routes for delivering and picking up all of theircorrespondance (their clients/students did their lessons on cards that were mailed in for grading) I had the route that would take you through the VP Wings, and interesting group of people once you got to know them. They actually had a bowling league, and also a company choir/chorus, I joined both. I went to College at night several days a week, my Mom had made it pretty clear I needed to pay my own way, so slowly I did progress. Many of the employees were in the bowling league or chorus, we had a chorus directer they hired to train us, and off we went to play and sing for senior citizen homes, veteran homes/hospitals, and fundraisers/charity concerts. I played guitar and could somewhat sing so sometimes I would have a solo, and slowly this introverted girl became more extroverted by having reached a comfort zone. Denny worked in the computer lab with Peaches a girlfriend of someone who would become a future sister inlaw years down the road, Denny was one of the managers, very sweet disposition, saw the upside of people he encountered, and he dubbed me Sunshine (for John Denver's song Sunshine on my Shoulder's) as I always had a smile for most. Nicknames can be interesting, they hold a story, Dad's for me that stuck as a child was Chicky, dubbed for holding my legs up like a chicken dressed for Sunday dinner, my cousins still call me Chicky. Stamp a nickname given by neighborhood children as our shortcut name was Postal. Secret Storm or Stormy used by my brothers when I was in my late teens and early twenties....as they viewed me as secretive but with a temper, thus the secret storm, my California brother still call me Stormy at times. But due to the diverse nature of blogs and their potential, it is Sunshine who generally writes this, she is still an optimist, she still finds the rainbows, enjoys nature, daydreams, she still looks for the good to come out of people no matter what they bark.

3, 5, 35, and 53, what's in a number? A Glimpse

Well when I was three I was absolutely fascinated by Caterpillars that would be cocooning on brick buildings I passed on walks home with Mom from the grocery store. Meanwhile my eldest brother was fascinated by baseball, and truly wanted through our dirt backyard to be a player and a groundskeeper all rolled into one. Other days we mimicked ticket sales and a backyard kiddie land via tickets my Dad brought us from WLS down on Washington Street, Dad was a printer and printed literally the Magazine "Prairie Farmer" which I always imagined was read by farmers....especially since we lived in the city.....I still do not know this for a fact, only my childhoods answer to who read it. Dad always had stained inked fingers and finger nails which I loved playing with, and his fingers always smelled like nicotine, from his Lucky Strikes. Speaking of strikes Dad also bowled at the Fireside Bowling Alley in Chicago for WLS-Prairie Farmer's Team. I loved that place, too. Every once in awhile we'd get to go bowling, which I always enjoyed gutter balls or learned. My other brother, the middle child who infinitely got blamed for way too much of his siblings doings...well he was totally pre-occupied with catching bumble bees in a jar off hollyhock plants growing down the street from us near the alley way. He learned their tempers, their strength of this very interesting insect. I wonder what he makes of them these days? My family I have lived with in adult life have noticed that the same bumble bees we think live here year after year, the same homes are sought near the garage and under our front step, sometimes they fly mighty close to gain their entry, as if to say to the step sitter....stand clear your in my path. Oh the nights of hiding and seek, how every child should learn how to count. Listening to the buzz the buses made at night as they still had connections to cables running overhead them at North Ave & California where we resided across from Humble Park. We lived around the corner from the first Oberweiss Dairy I knew of, and as you walked by you could smell milk, and vanilla, it was wonderful, and we made friends with the purple Man....who worked there, we'd stop and chat with him, Ma made many acquaintance type of friends along our path. I always thought it was cool that they saw something friendly and happy in her beautiful green eyes same as I did. My mom was always chewing Doublemint Gum, and she smelled of it, as did her purse, and her sometimes used fur coat, a coat she bought slowly on a lay a way plan from Evans up near 6 corners....I think it was....as that part of the city still looks the same to me 53 at night as it did when 3. Squeeshed in the middle of two adults driving, move your arm honey, move your leg honey, driving clutch then, no automatic trans for us at that point, one parent driver- male., face buried in the fur coat, loved that sensation-it was so smooth and doubleminted, Mom never smoked. 5, it was such a great house to live in, living upstairs was wonderful, downstairs had always been colder, upstairs was filled with warm and fun times, my parent were always having family over for big gatherings, this ones birthday, someone else coming home from the army, Christmas and Easter Gatherings. Church first, parties afterwards, evening a normal sunday was church first, and then off to deli for fresh breads and cold cuts for sunday sandwiches, chicken dinner to follow for night. The churches: Annunciation a beautiful church, St. Sylvester's another pretty Church and the beautiful bungalows that surrounded it on the Blvd was it Humboldt Blvd...can't know for certain without driving it, and St. Fidelous the coldest place for feeling, the smells of the wooden pews, and clicking risers being moved in rapid succession, chewing on the wood and getting smacked quickly, mimicking the old women saying Hale Marys, speesss, speeesss, sppeeesss, and another smack from Dad, it never matter how far away I was....like water seeking it's own level he'd find me.....Dad had pretty good hearing for having been around all those noisy printing presses at work. Uncle John after a big dinner always loosening his belt, it was a good thing though cause we knew he wouldn't give us a spanking so the belt thing with him was good, not like when Dad had to give punishment for more serious crimes like breaking a neighbors window with the baseball. Uncle John and Auntie Mamie must have been on one of their separations already cause they were never there together, the girls came with her or by themselves for visits to Ma and Dad. Pretty funny they actually got married three times, didn't figure out till later that you can love someone deeply, but maybe co-existing under the same rood is not the real answer for all. The girls loved my Dad as much as my Mom, but I suspect they took advantage as would befall their youth of Ma, and she'd get into the middle of some scrap they were having with their own Mom and Dad. I found out years later her and Dad had contributed in a pretty big way to making sure they had a catholic education by paying the tuition, they always paid for Doctors visits when their own parents couldn't or wouldn't tune into the nieces needs. Aunt Billy, and Aunt Agnes were Auntie Mame's sisters and we saw them for many occasions, both were wonderful, but I especially loved Aunt Billy who died way too young, she was such a sweet heart of a woman, she dies when I was six. When Ma got sick she was my favorite babysitter. And Frankie setting the alarms, and stereos to go off at the same time at different ends of the house, Auntie Mamie went nuts when he did that, and Aunt Billy would laugh & play his game with him, similar to the vacuum cleaner hose game he played with grandpa when he babysat, using it as a megaphone type of apparatus....yelling Grandpa is an Orange man......and Grandpa come running to track him down by the vacuum cleaner hose and its direction, Ya never say that to A Catholic Irishman....Orange man have to do with William of Orange, Catholic Irish Color = Green, William of Orange was the enemy of the the wearing of the green, Ireland, long battles, warfare from 1000AD and onto 20th century bombings, it was rumored after my Ma passed that Grandpa may have left Ireland when so young out of necessity due to his Irish involvement in supporting his own political beliefs, he may have been too involved. He said the saddest site he saw as he left was his mother waiving good bye to him and she was crying. All of the Hughes got to go back for visits except for Grandpa John, his closest link was when his own still Irish brother Pat, or Paddy would come from home to visit, and the Accordion was out as were the flutes for those festivities. AHH, the impact of being at the first few Irish Wakes, they are like no other, the jokes, the stories and my own very appropriate father with his head thrown back with laughter, it was hard for me to assess this behavior. So many wakes, they would go out for drinks after, and music. Back to Richmond, and 1627 N. which stands vacant today due to too many vendetta fires being launched by the people who came after us, it was the best any child could wish for, it is what made a childs life seem so barren and cold when Ma got sick, after we moved to a different house further north in Chicago, the Land of Milwaukee & Bryn Mawr, and a cold house that would take years to become a home again, it's like jumping into grey and cold to really go there, although many survival skills came out of 6-10 yrs. or 12. Not many children to play with once we were able to escape, children ridiculing children, getting beat up and spit on (the last time I was spit on as a child.....the person also had a complimentary bicycle chain with she used as a whip that was the day I learned to fight back), no food, soda and cookies for breakfast on a lucky day, creamcheese sandwiches for lunch...with or with out the nuns heel mark on it if you were unfortunate enough to drop it, why were so many nuns uncharitable and unkind? I came to the conclusion that only Sister Mary Joan Agnes was a good/great person, the who liked to abuse small children, they belonged behind bars in a zoo. Our own children have lucked out avoiding any similarities to our childhood. I have always understood how the mind can break, and how much time is needed for repairs. A Dad working 2 jobs to support unrun household as they're were two mortgages now instead of one compliments of all the doctors bills, and let me tell you Doctors do love to bill..even for a spare second when they pop in to say a hello...how are you? = $150-500. such bullshit, ..Rolled out of it eventually gradually. Never would have made it out sanely without my brothers. They taught me how to be a child, how to keep on playing, learning skating, volley ball, tennis, hand ball, basketball, and king of the mountain which really only involved small hills, by the time Ma was getting better she couldn't understand why I ripped my clothes so easily, why wasn't I ladylike? Must have been all the fences I climbed and hills rolled down. Well my childhood years gave me great stamina for enduring, it taught me what I wanted to turn out like...and what I didn't want to turn out like. 35, 1990, Working Real Estate. making progress, chose that as it would still let me be an available mom to son, could schedule appointments to a doable time frame, could be home when son was sick or on holiday, and worked around his school schedule. Husband able to be home on weekends and not do side jobs any longer to help out, I was bringing in enough to more than offset, easier on his back which was worsening. August of 1990 I lost my Dad, a sudden surprise with little goodbye time, the core family was devastated. The loss of a family member is so impacting. Decisions on services, small land investments, wakes...old friends and family, churches, burial, stones, words, rains, heavy rains, off centered family, never holding quite the same balance again. Changing, tuning of beliefs, the dreams that come eventually. Conditioning you for more up the road. 53, 2008, how it flies, like jumping out of the proverbial window. Of course more loses, each in their own crude and hurtful way, yet you try to maintain some type of grace. With Ma it was a couple of weekend morning breakfasts where she'd tell us how great the cooking bacon smelled, food she'd gum alittle for flavor but not really eat, but she heard us talking and smiled through those beautiful green eyes, that grew lighter as she dimmed. You realize at some point that you are now orphaned, it's a puzzling theory as an adult but non the less real. And last April 4th was Dicky's wake, he'd been in my life as a very entertaining and caring boo-a-rang since I was young....oh how I missed that birthday called in 2008 we were the two Aquarians 13th and 15th, I used to laugh when he told this runt of the litter...even while he was dying of prostate cancer how he always wanted to jump my bones.....and here he had been my first crush....I told him I knew it...and laughed. And our brother, friend and confidante, how graceful was he? From the start it tried to strip him of his dignity, and he fought it at every turn, and was grace itself. How do we humans who love well manage to keep loving and exuding warmth and care when we know we will part soon? I don't know how we manage it, but we did fine there, and saw it all through, and he stayed as gracious and loving with us till we parted. They all still guide us, when we are weak they lend us strength, when we are sad they give us warmth, when we suffer another loss we ask them to guide them in and hold them safely till we can meet up again. "Smile the while, I kiss you sad adieu, when the clouds roll by I'll come to you", the first song Mom taught me to harmonize with her on. So at 53 she knows, it's going by much to fast, she's learned to savour minutes and time frames, she's learned how to value and totally overlook faults, because she knows she may miss those faults in the future. She has developed a sad instinct that lets here know when more is en route, the color aura's assist at times. She tries to value each day, each encounter, and each good link she has.

This and That Inc

The wrong hands As a person writing a blog for over a year, closer to 2 years, the first advice I received was in fact the best, be careful of what you say......but my purpose in writing my blog was to let my fingers put down my thoughts, thoughts on daily moments lived, some enjoyed immensely and some excruciatingly painful, my blog that I loved the best is a mirror to my soul, it is my soul written out of my brain with the heart and feelings involve of a 52 year old woman who has lived life, embraced it, pounded it into the shape she wanted it to be in, kicked it in the ass when it would donkey up, and smiled at it when it gave off something wonderful or unexpectedly beautiful, she basked in it. That is who sunshine was. She is affectionately called Kath by her husband.Writing is the only way I can capture my soul, that could possible convey the warmth and caring behind these eyes that have traveled many days, and years to reach these conclusions.My blog being shared was to give strength to others, to possibly verbalize where they couldn't, to let them know they weren't alone in the dung pile. Monday, January 29, 2007 Crucial Moments: Speed or not, hurry or not? Some times when we're driving we all want to speed up and get there sooner, of course my husband told me about 27 years ago, that you really don't get there sooner just cause you're speeding. So for twenty seven years I've made it my hobby to see if he was right, and more often than not he is correct: I pull into a toll booth or ramp exit in back of the ying-yang that cut me off 5 minutes back.The crucial moment comes into play when you arrive 5 minutes, or 2 minutes, or 1/2 minutes after a crash, then you feel empathy for those involved in the event yet, you are highly thankful that it wasn't a day you chose to speed. All of that timing is what makes up a days events. You're either on the good side of five minutes or the one bad split second.And then there is the law of averages, which becomes scarier as time passes. Posted by Heartbeat at 4:21 AM 0 comments Tuesday, January 9, 2007 The Best Days of Your Life Was it discovering Caterpillars, and holding the poor thing all day? Ooh it's a worm in disguise?Was it the day a boy named Allan Miller kissed you on Moose's kindergarten Floor?Was it the day your mother bought you a soft ball size green rubber ball from the corner drug store across from Humboldt Park, which by the way had a stone drinking water fountain in front of it, and a soda parlor inside of it?Or was it the day you filled up your new baby buggy with dirt and worms and hauled it up 2 flights of stairs, and tried to implore you mother to let them sleep with you that night?=Memories from a child of 4-5 yrs old.Was it learning to love music from an early age (due to an Irish and Polish influence, ooh only some people know how to celebrate St. Pat's & St. Joseph's Day, a split household ethnically balanced in March each year)?Was it the first time you saw a rainbow stretched out over Humboldt Park?Was it going to church on Sunday and not dropping your little purse or gloves in the gutter as you existed the 55 Plymouth?Or was it listening to your brother sing like an alter boy angel every time he was on the swings, with that wonderful boy soprano voice he had?Was it the day your parents renewed their wedding vows after a very harsh time period for them?Or was it the day you met the man who would still make your heart do somersault's thirty years later?Was it the night he proposed?Or was it the cold February Day you stood on the church steps, smiling and laughing together while people pelted you with rice?Was it another day in February when you got to kiss your little boys forehead after he was born?Or was it the day you laugh so hard cause the same little boy had fallen out front, noticed his knee skin was gone, and demanded of you that you go get it off the sidewalk and put it right back on his knee?Was it all the days you looked into your husbands eyes and saw the love mirrored back at you?Was it the day you buried your mom, and extreme happiness came to you knowing she was within touch of your Dad's casket, and you knew a long journey had been ended the best it could?Was it any Day your child laughed out loud and made you start laughing just for the sound of his laughter?Was it the day you stood out in your yard viewing the garden of veggies and flowers with your angel standing watch, your husband beside you, and you cried for happiness?Or was it all those days?I think we are blessed with the many best days in our life. Posted by Heartbeat at 4:03 AM 1 comments Saturday, January 6, 2007 Me ke aloha aloha - love.Like most Hawaiian words, it has a variety of meanings:As a greeting it means hello or goodbye. As a noun it means, compassion, mercy, love, lover, grace, kindness. As an adjective, beloved, kind, charitable. As a verb: to love, to pity, to venerate. In some contexts it can even mean alas! In the doubled form: Alohaloha means to make love, express gratitude, affection, or compassion, or to give thanksMe ke aloha - With lovemahalo - Thank you.Possibly of portugese origin. Sometimes seen with the modifiers "Nui Loa", meaning "Big". Posted by The Talker at 1:47 PM 1 comments Saturday, December 30, 2006

Son

My Son: "No matter what goes on in your today or my today, the sun rises in the morning, somewhere and then just as surely the sun will set in the evening, somewhere", Both of them gorgeous in their own right, both of them bringing a beauty to the day, so spectacular that it is hard to comprehend when witnessed for itself. And I have gotten to see both at their best, at sometime, and someplace, with someone I loved the most on this beautiful earth, you. So should you ever hit the dark days that intermingle in the midst of all the sun filled days, remember the good things experienced in life, and please remember that each day the beautiful dawn will promise another sunrise, and at dusk the sunset for closure, and with it carries a wonderful, cherishable opportunity to embrace this day, and embrace life and embrace all of the days within your life span. Use them well, and you’ll have few regrets."

So many sides to a coin

My Blog is not intended as a diary, it is my way of writing, using my own moods and life experiences to influence various writing styles within me. It is my way of trying to learn or teach a lesson, usually they are lessons that might strengthen another, or ease them through a tough spot. The simplicity in this is: People seldom realize what another has experienced until they find them selves in that revolving doorway, but when they get there isn't it better to know that someone else understands the shoes you've been set into? Someone had wandered into my blog and made jokes of it, I cannot fathom why? They must be hurting inside is all I can guess. I buried my writings for awhile, but this is part of my identity, and some of the stories are the life steps that have gotten me to this particular path. Some of the writings are on the beauty I see in the world or in my world that prevails.....through good times and bad. The lessons we've learned from people existing, and from people who have ceased to exist in bodies...but their spirits, their strength of personailty has been left for us as a guide to carry us through many hardshipped days we will encountered along our path. It is for what they've given us, that these articles are reposted. I am glad they existed, I am glad they taught us lessons, I am glad they have made us learn how to give....when we thought we were empty.

The loss of a childhood friend I am glad I had

1/27/08 I grocery shopped at 7am, then I worked yesterday, as my Teddy boss is off to Colorado for the week. Then I stopped acct. and made appt for income tax crap of the year. So I came home started a turkey breast dinner....and made a vodka & pineapple juice drink.....4 sips and some home paperwork later phones ringing....says keith vinson...which translates to my usually late nite wine drinking caller Lisa Holmes-Vinson of Florida Born 3/17/56 St. Pat's. You'd think 30 years distance would numb your heart, not. We talked about twice a year now, and I'd send her a birthday card at St. Pat's, and she's send me those crazy florida type christmas cards that mocked our midwest weather, but made you laugh or smile. Now at least one of you knows I hate the drunken calls....from Lisa. Starts out good, but she can down wine too fast, and starts repeating herself. Lisa would usually call with stories on her step children...the youngest of which challenged the entire household growing shrooms under his bed and in his underwear drawer......couldn't figure out why his usually closed locked door when opened....room reeked of something bad...she finally got curious and found the shroom farm.......and I guess they need dark to grow....Lately she was happy he was finally grown up, working and moved out to start his own life. **** So I figured yesterday it was safe to answer the phone since it was 5 our time, but it was her husband Keith.....tracking down her friends of the north, she had a massive heart attack friday morning when she went to open her sisters shop where she's worked all of these years, she was alone for a few before anyone found her, they revived her with CPR...got her airlifted to hospital where she was catheter-ed into the heart, probed and a stint put into a 80% blocked artery, they say her heart is fine not damaged, the problem is she hasn't woken up. Dr.'s thought she'd come to by now....so I am praying for her best possible outcome....whatever is best for the Lisa who would now exist....I reminded her husband that she had been hit by a CTA bus right before I met her, and had needed time to come back to consciousness from that one......I don't know when they'll scan for brain activity...I'd probably guess on today it's being a monday , and weekend warriors gone, normal doctors on call finally..... it was 8 more minutes till paramedics got there, but shop girls did CPR as down there it is a requirement of the licensing for the salon.....massages, body wraps, all kinds of skin treatment is what Lisa's sister Linda's shop was all about..... Meanwhile, my head floats here and there 69-75, the holiday ballroom and Bobby Weida days where we laughed our asses off at his fun humor and all the years we spent running back and forth togather, my corvair adventures and she was usually my passenger, hanging out and the pizzeria/Oddo's, Claim jumpers where I also had my first job, the proms where we double dated and on saturday I was telling Kit how me and Lisa used to walk home from holiday on summer nites singing United We Stand, Divided we fall at the tops of our lungs......and Love can make you happy by Mercy another favorite was (what started that conversation as Kit listens to oldies when she's cleaning house and stuff on saturdays....and we'd gone to visit). If she's the same mentally I hope she'd wake up, but if not then I hope she went to find Randy, she never got over losing her brother Randy or that he was the accident that she was passing on her way to work that morning. Some part of me thinks she's gone. Keith had me track Cindie last night and our friend Linda Jackson, he couldn't find good numbers on them, I got thru to Cindie, and she was calling Jackson. So, why am I such a softie to all of this bullshit that keeps going on, I spend a large part of most nites watching Rick sleep.....cause I know some bullshit will come again in the permanent nature.....and he's much more caring of me as well, and I catch him looking at me oddly, cause he knows we're playing against time and those times too.....we really do value things more in such a deeper way....maybe we had the paramedics to our house too many times and had to make the 911 calls and follow the ambulances to the hospital.....maybe it's that whole normal...not normal immediate transformation that makes you so scared of the rug getting pulled out from under you again...last man standing routine Yes, I know in this letter to you's I am all over the board, but it is all related in my head... part of me is 14-22 that's writing you, and the rest of me is the one who's had these various losses, they've all been different but all can impact. Anyways, poor you, I just felt a strong need to write and let you know what goes thru this noggin sometimes. I don't see you as often as what I'd leisurely wish for, but I do love you and wish you a long run, and peace and happiness. 1/28/08 My boss Ted who is my friend as well is in colorado on vacation, yesterday at working was busy-but it's important to survive well each day he's gone and make progress, so when I left at 5:12 and got in the truck I was ready for escape, not....battery deader than a door nail. Called my friend Rick and actually lucked out that he had made it as far as woodfield, he offered to rescue this wench. Got the vehicle jumped in the dark, took it to NBT for Battery analysis cause it was making weird noises still...something Rick as ex-owner recognized as not good...drop it there and went home to eat a dinner that should have been cooked in the crock pot, not. Crock pot heating element failed warm but beef roast raw, potatoes and carrots harder than rocks, it was not going to cook things for Kath anymore. Went back and got truck which has new battery old one only had 17amps in it, got WENDY'S on the way home for hungry people. Ate it. 10 leisure minutes, cell phone rings....Cindie Zalucki-girlhood friend, "Kath?" and starts crying.....doing the cry babble.....I can make out that Linda Jackson talked to Keith (Lisa's husband), and Lisa is gone....Pronounced 1/28/08, but I think Lisa was gone on 1/25/08 before the CPR, too much of a time lapse before she was found. Couldn't cry then...did my crying yesterday morning when I wrote my brothers who knew my girlhood friend. I had so many high school years escapades with that beautiful green eyed blond. For me a gal who was happy 0-5, miserable 6-13, happier 14-23, she was a key ingredient in the fun, all of our talks, and plans. In 90 I prayed very hard for my father during his surgery hours,but when he passed...I changed how I pray and now it's always for the persons best possible outcome,= I would never have wanted any of my people to lead a life where they would be aware of the fact that they were not even 65% of who they had been. Now Lisa you know our adult lives were as different as night from day, you went off on adventures and lifestyles I'd never desire, and I stayed with Rick and having a family, and tried to make a home for them. You did things I'd never be told or confided, but I knew anyhow cause of the circle...and the world being a smaller place than anyone really thinks, you thought it would change me towards you...and it really didn't is what I'm saying, ask my Dad he'll tell you I knew it all years ago after he ran into you at the Hyatt. I believe you had some rough years, wrong people, etc. No the girl I grew up with who was afraid of fires, afraid she would be burned to death in one....well you did good, and fire didn't get you either. You were my one pure friend of heart in those young years, and for me I'll look out at a star in the summer nite sky.....and think for a few about you, you were that good, that kind. Thank You for the days you kept me sane and on track, and thank you for being my friend until you went on the adventures, that's all. I'm sure you've found Randy by now. It's okay. I'll see you again someday, as the group keeps widening. Don't know how to spell your than you in swedish but it sounds like Tox-i-mic-a, so thank you. Love you***

Healthbeat, Heartbeat, and too many d_c_or_ .

I started smoking when I was 13. Quite 11/27/90 for 8 years & started again....one vice over the choice of another, yes, I know it was a bad weak moment in my character, and I have plenty of people who remind me of my lack of strength there, but they weren't in my roller coaster car at the time as I remember it. My Grandfather-maternal died from Prostate Cancer, My Grandmother I never met-Maternal died from Breast Cancer incidiously sprouted to other organs. My Paternal Grandmother- Brain Anerysm My Paternal Grandfather never met died from a nick in one lung while they worked to remove a bad lung...lung cancer-had also had mouth cancer previous to that. Died from Nick in good lung, a week before my own father died in 1990 from aeortic anerysm having triggered horrible heart damaging attack (survived the repair surgery of artery-too much damage from Heart Attack), he told me he still blamed himself for having talked his Dad into the surgery....that was some 40 years after the fact. My Mom died in 2002 from Colon Cancer & the fact that it had spread to all her other organs. In 79 I had a three week hospitalization which required many blood transfusions due to blood poisoning incurred, following the loss of my born daughter, whom three years later I would find out (thru the birth of my son....aids being announced....summoning old hospital records to check on transfusions given or not) I would find out she/we had a whole in our umbilical chord...and that's what started that pony show, even though I was allowed to blame myself compliments of the doctor for years, yes I still have a special place in my heart for Dr. Fairenbach and his stupid ego.....that allowed him to go to his golf luncheon when he had said he'd meet me at the hospital once he knew I was hemorraging....and then took another doctors patient before me, and made me wait in labor for hours when he knew the baby was in distress, and very definitely transversed aka lieing the wrong direction.....horizontal not vertical...and that this laboring woman badly needed a c-section done as soon as possible.....here's where my karma stayed bad....may the miserable mother-fucker rot in the bowels of hell or it's equivalent for light years to come...........I have no kindness in my heart for this son of a bitch......we didn't sue him as we wanted no monetary gain from the situation that took place for us it was very personal. And for me it still is when I peak behind that door. In 2003 I was in my friends office at work, I felt as if an elephant had landed on my chest/oh it hurt, she had me sit down...and chill out for a few moments. It had become a very unreal crazy job due to a new eccentric/illogical/mind frcker of a CEO that had very personally taken an interest in my department which were vast and company impacted/impacting as they were the Sales Support Dept, Sales Dept. ,Order Entry, Order Entry EDI Computer/Systems/Programs/and invoicing thereof, Product Returns all at a corporate level, not to be confused with our consumers which delt with a different dept Customer Service. A few months later I was given an EKG, they said my elephant moment had caused damage, they wanted to further me to have more testing done. I have never gone for it. I have higher odds on some of my parents ailments due to genes it is said. In 2004 they found a cyst on my right ovary and a scar tissue strangulation (adhesion) around my lower intestin mid -center under the old c-section scars, both of those were to be monitored, and I have not gone yet. When you hit 50 your supposed go for a colonoscopy, I have not gone. They say we're more at risk cause of mom. Rob's had some pre-cancerous polyps removed. I am using nutrition as a way to ward off my physical ailments wherever possible, so for some...they would see me as stupid, but for now for me it works, I simply had too much of people dying, too much of doctors and office visits, and hospitals, and body bags, I am not ready to go, and maybe I don't want to know what they think, maybe I prefer a quality to this time wherever quality will be given and allowed. I will drink my ZIJA and keep my fingers crossed though. But Maybe I should try to dig out the strength to quite smoking again.....eh? The Cynic

A few things brought over from This and That

Another Day in Paradise I wander to: When was the last time you saw the Sun rise? This and That ! Crucial Moments: Speed or not, hurry or not? Some times when we're driving we all want to speed up and get there sooner, of course my husband told me about 27 years ago, that you really don't get there sooner just cause you're speeding. So for twenty seven years I've made it my hobby to see if he was right, and more often than not he is correct: I pull into a toll booth or ramp exit in back of the ying-yang that cut me off 5 minutes back.The crucial moment comes into play when you arrive 5 minutes, or 2 minutes, or 1/2 minutes after a crash, then you feel empathy for those involved in the event yet, you are highly thankful that it wasn't a day you chose to speed. All of that timing is what makes up a days events. You're either on the good side of five minutes or the one bad split second.And then there is the law of averages, which becomes scarier as time passes. Posted by Heartbeat at 4:21 AM 0 comments Tuesday, January 9, 2007 The Best Days of Your Life Was it discovering Caterpillars, and holding the poor thing all day? Ooh it's a worm in disguise?Was it the day a boy named Allan Miller kissed you on Moose's kindergarten Floor?Was it the day your mother bought you a soft ball size green rubber ball from the corner drug store across from Humboldt Park, which by the way had a stone drinking water fountain in front of it, and a soda parlor inside of it?Or was it the day you filled up your new baby buggy with dirt and worms and hauled it up 2 flights of stairs, and tried to implore you mother to let them sleep with you that night?=Memories from a child of 4-5 yrs old.Was it learning to love music from an early age (due to an Irish and Polish influence, ooh only some people know how to celebrate St. Pat's & St. Joseph's Day, a split household ethnically balanced in March each year)?Was it the first time you saw a rainbow stretched out over Humboldt Park?Was it going to church on Sunday and not dropping your little purse or gloves in the gutter as you existed the 55 Plymouth?Or was it listening to your brother sing like an alter boy angel every time he was on the swings, with that wonderful boy soprano voice he had?Was it the day your parents renewed their wedding vows after a very harsh time period for them?Or was it the day you met the man who would still make your heart do somersault's thirty years later?Was it the night he proposed?Or was it the cold February Day you stood on the church steps, smiling and laughing together while people pelted you with rice?Was it another day in February when you got to kiss your little boys forehead after he was born?Or was it the day you laugh so hard cause the same little boy had fallen out front, noticed his knee skin was gone, and demanded of you that you go get it off the sidewalk and put it right back on his knee?Was it all the days you looked into your husbands eyes and saw the love mirrored back at you?Was it the day you buried your mom, and extreme happiness came to you knowing she was within touch of your Dad's casket, and you knew a long journey had been ended the best it could?Was it any Day your child laughed out loud and made you start laughing just for the sound of his laughter?Was it the day you stood out in your yard viewing the garden of veggies and flowers with your angel standing watch, your husband beside you, and you cried for happiness?Or was it all those days?I think we are blessed with the many best days in our life.

Moringa, ZIJA and me

Moringa, ZIJA and me all started about a year ago...January of 07 as we all tried to research anything that would help the human body combat some of it's worst possible enemies known to invade it. First we had a crash course on Alkaline Foods versus Acidic Foods, and how most of us in the USA tend to consume more acidic foods than alkaline, and how that is reversed for your body keeping out the evil diseases that can conquer it oh too quickly. More Alkaline should be ingested than Acidic Foods as they are able to convey nutrients to our body cells so the good cells can replenish. Through the research of one of my sisters-in-law we discover Moringa, which we then ordered a supply and about 6 of us began using for one medical reason/experiment or another as we all had different problems and ailments, it does have a cost involved, but if your own life and body isn't worth a hundred dollars a month, well that's really up to each person to decide, isn't it? For me after 6 months (the first 6 months I gave mine away to someone who needed it more) of using the product we found contained Moringa in the best forms for us, I've lost 2 clothing sizes which equates to 20 lbs, I've gotten rid of joint & bone pain that hit me about 8 years ago, and would only lessen before when I traveled out west to San Diego/Lake Forest California. My skin is in much better condition than previously, and I believe it has helped with some internal body disorders that had been shaping themselves to go badly. Another experiment I've conducted is as follows: Usually I use 2 cans of this product a day due to my body weight, someone else lighter would only need a can a day. But I've had several morning where I'd awaken with a cold or sore throat symptoms manifesting, and I've taken 2 cans in the morning, and two more cans in the evening, still taking the daily Vitamin as well, and I've beaten the cold & sore throat symptoms within two days all are gone from my awareness. Here is a little background on it: Most people have never heard of the Moringa tree but dozens of humanitarian organizations promote the use of Moringa in poverty-stricken areas to combat malnutrition and its adverse effects on the body. Groups such as Church World Service, Educational Concerns for Hunger Organization, National Science Foundation, and others are reintroducing the different health benefits of this fast-growing, drought-resistant Moringa tree to malnourished people in various underdeveloped areas.Where conventional treatments for malnutrition normally take months, healthcare professionals have discovered that people taking Moringa show improvement within days. One of the more amazing things Moringa is being used for is to prevent childhood blindness, a condition that can develop from vitamin A and retinol deficiencies. Moringa contains sufficient amounts of these nutrients to eliminate this condition. Biochemists, natural scientists, and healthcare workers are busy substantiating ancient claims of Moringa’s effectiveness in treating more than 300 conditions. Their research has led to the documentation of Moringa's astonishing range of over 90 natural vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients.Many people taking Moringa have reported rapid improvements in skin, digestion, eyesight, mental clarity, and overall well-being, plus a reduction in symptoms associated with fatigue, arthritic-like conditions, and aging. Zija is Born (The particular product I chose to try): When we learned biochemists were calling Moringa the most nutrient-rich plant ever discovered, we took a closer look at its amazing goodness and created Zija, an astonishingly nutritious dietary supplement designed for full bioavailability by the body. In addition to its wealth of vitamins and minerals, the Moringa plant provides a rich and rare combination of zeatin, quercetin, beta-sitosterol, caffeoylquinic acid, and kaempferol. We call this compound Z-Atin™, and it’s found only in Zija. Z-Atin is the metabolic trigger for and it guarantees that you get all the goodness of Moringa found in Zija. Not only does Zija contain the most beneficial parts of the amazing Moringa plant, but it is also available in the most convenient form - a small, portable can, it's simply drinking a can of juice made from the plant & it's seeds, and bark, which has a mild citrus taste to it, not quite lime but similar to it. So we all make a choice or an experiment for our own body's sake, I do know it won't hurt me, and so far has only done me good, Sunshine's experiment continues.

The Gift: I'm Sorry, I forgive you, and I do love you

Everything under the sun has a worth to it. Some things in life have a monetary value. Other things such as words we say to another human being are priceless, or valueless. It's yours to decide how you interact with humans surrounding you. You can embrace them and say the words in your heart, or you can ice them. How you conduct yourself in life is where the karma carries through or that is my hope. We as a immediate family unit of husband, wife and son have had years where we are united, years where we've been divided with the people in our own original immediate families. We've had people use one or the other of us so badly that we become hardened to their next round of appeals. We've had family members mis-behave badly & very badly and yet they skate with it, as other family members shield them in spite of their bad deeds. They've amazed me as they always forgive. And now through some not quite known path I am finding I am capable of the same action/reaction. I discuss this concept with my husband and too funny, my husband who is generally a non-forgiving guy to his trespassers, says " They never said "Sorry I behaved badly to you by saying such and such, or when I did such and such", that is all it would have taken for this particular thing to get put away. An interesting concept to me............. that he would forgive if someone was to say they were sorry. I wish all could be righted for family, especially when I see all the crap that goes on out there that has been forgiven in other arenas. To simply state "I behaved badly, I was carried back to a bad memory, I was my worst self at the time, I said things I shouldn't have", I went too far with my words, I was emotionally unhinged when this occurred, and of course for fun drunks never lie...so I still wonder if I wear rose colored glasses or not,( possibly as anyone that knows me...well I tend to wear sunglasses wherever I am) and Zippo, forgiveness? My Father in Law who is always trying to teach me some new but valuable life trick, has given me many but two of exceptional value: One lesson was holding a lighter in my hand very tightly for many minutes, and having me channel all my dislike and anger over a situation down into my arm and then into the hand holding the lighter tightly, after my hand was starting to suffer near contractions he had me let the lighter...thus the anger and dislike flow out of my hand...my finger tips and fall with the lighter to the floor. This can really work, his lessons coupled with that was the proof that anger only hurts the one holding it/carrying it. The 2nd more recent lesson was about forgiveness and love: If you are so angry at someone because of a past misdeed/deeds....and you find yourself re triggered (yes people re-trigger on anger)...yet you love the person immensely: then ponder this and then do it (really believ and feel it before you speak): Simply say: "I forgive you, I am sorry, I do love you", they won't quite know where your coming from ...and they don't need to, but if you believe it when you say it, you will both begin to go on, move on....... and it will only bring peace, and goodness to the relationship, you will see many wonderful moments grow from that one sentence. I did convey ...that these were words I needed to convey for LIFE, I didn't want us to get stuck with no words one day as can happen to us all, so I was choosing to say my words now. On occasion we must all slow down and hear what a loved one is really saying: I'm sorry, I forgive you, I love you....anyway you phrase it or order those gems....they have to sparkle, don't they? I originally wrote part of this in feb of 07, but have added the 2nd lesson as a New Year gift to anyone who wanders here, what better day to pass it on than this? Start there and work your way out....you may become a better person for it, you may make someone else a better person for it.

January 1, 2008 bring me love, laughter & family

As my calendar at work would indicate.....day 1 of 2008, the numbers on the bottom of the calendar can actually be used to confirm what day of the year someone was born relative their driver's license number. Example I was born on the 45Th day of the year. Day one of the New Year 2008, brings 8-9 inches of freshly fallen snow, to our perspective a peaceful world upon going to bed on 12/31/07 at 9:30am.....we cannot make it to midnight these days, and we also don't choose to. And upon wakening on 1/1/08 it is still peaceful to our eyes, the snow blowers procession will come later today, and change all of that. We will hear some time today of the New Years baby being born in the nation, and locally. We will hear of fatalities from last nights celebration across the land. We will hear of the first celebrity to die in the new year. We will hear of some type of suicide bomber causing more casualties in Iraq. But for now at 5am this day we only know of peace, gained from our diminishing eyesight's view of the surrounding landscape. Happy New Fresh Year, 2008, to all of us, may it contain more peace than chaos, may it contain more health than illness, may it contain more happiness than huge sorrows, more wins than losses, and may it contain much family and close friends for us all. May we embrace Life, that is the gift.

Happy New Year 2008, a Father Time Confession

With humor I fess up to a child's take on winter when I was young: I did believe that Santa delivered all of the gifts to young children all over the world in one very long night. I actually remember hearing jingle bells and somehow by pressure of the mind making myself pass out so that Santa...who I had no doubts had arrived at my house...would not find this child awake....passing out from pure fear of no presents under the tree for me. I most likely believed that night clock ticked a little slower for Santa, and that he and the reindeer were so awesome they could complete their tasks in this record time. After they went back to the North Pole and Mrs. Clause who was always waiting for them by a fire with warm food waiting in the oven, I believed that Santa became what is best known as Father Time. Father time is the one I envisioned saying goodbye to the old year so that the New Year could open. I believed this was Santa's way similar to bears of catching up on his sleep after all of those deliveries being made in one night. He simply wound down after arriving back home preferably in a chair by his fire place, and then by New Years Eve he was ready for his hibernation. In Kathyspeaks.....which is the inner child's views that shaped her, this was perfectly logical as winter always had a slower pace to it than the warm month. In Kathyspeaks it was only logical that Santa needed the big rest by the end of December.

2007's doors close, and 2008 opens to us

What we are moving away from carried all of life's lessons if you could slow the motions enough to soak it in. We had laughter and tears mixed and confused. We had some actor skills developed so he wouldn't see our very raw pain of heart matched his own. We had moments we could barely stay in our own skin. We experienced the total sadness that death can bring, and confusingly enough we all witnessed the beauty of it's release from the pain and worry our loved man was experiencing. We also experienced a better deeper love of one another and understanding of our various ways to cope through it all as it unraveled, as we unraveled, too. The woman and I call it "having a moment". She frets and worries that one day I'll get mad at her as we often did in the old days with each other, I smile or laugh, it's not going to happen, she is one of my hero's, she is in my heart now, with depth. We've been through all of those days starting with her call as she followed the ambulance that morning. That is some of what will be closing behind the 2007 door., just as it was starting to close behind the 2002 door, the 1990 door, and the 1979 door. There are so many doors, and each carries a chapter in our The Life's Book . A New year, this being 2008 some think is a fresh start, it's each persons ground zero to do better with a calendar year, So many have new year resolutions, they want a new job, better vehicle, better house, weightlosses (one sickness can take it all off, so don't sweat it) and some of us are happy to have a family in relatively good health, we live the 365/366 slot year: day by day and religious or slightly agnostic alike can see the beauty in each days rising and our cycle as long as we're permitted to re-unite at the end of day with our family. Now for a person who has lost many you can get a New Year's case of being anxious/worried wondering what's behind door number 2008....the lady or the tiger, this would be a natural thought process, now take it one more step....when you lost very many people who played important roles in your life, you can evolve into a creature who enjoys nothing more than the here and now. 2008 will bring much enjoyment of the here and now, enjoying the interval, what's important each work night, all of us coming home, all of going to bed wherever we belong, all of us waking up the next morning, all of us enjoying some laughs or stories with each other, our life and therefore living values are better and higher due to the losses encountered in other years. Could I drink out 2007, oh yes I could, Will I, probably not. Will I embrace 2008, yes as long as we keep making it home, sleeping, and waking up. I will embrace everyday until the life cycle brings the next round of horseshit to my door, something that is unfortunately guaranteed to happen. So in closing this days blog thoughts I offer you a favorite from My Father used to use as a toast, as a prayer at Easter also a time of rebirth's: May you enjoy good health, happiness, a little bit of prosperity! With hope and love, Sunshine

The Loss Echoes

Today is a very sad day for my lady friend, it is their 38TH wedding anniversary and his spirit cannot offer enough comfort she misses him so much. Everyday that she has survived so far has been so that he would know she stood true and straight, to keep him proud and he is proud of her, he proven it in his signs to her.

Today I can't see where that could hold the pain at bay. The best she will have today is a possibility of smiling over a treasured shared moment from days gone by, and hopefully the comfort of how very much he loved her will keep her warm and surviving. I hope the black void doesn't pull her through, it's so easy to fall in.

They have taught me that each day is a treasured rainbow if we're together at the days end for sleep, it is really that simple.

Spirit can live on by past deeds, warmth

You my friend have to be enjoying your self now in a whole new fashion, and you're laughing, some for fun, sometimes at us just as you did before. So what have you got here? You've gotten to meet up with the others, all known to you except for the one, and no doubt you spend plenty of time with that one. Your new hobby of keeping surveillance's on us renders: Family learning Financing, Legalities, Detailed Banking, detailed billings, mechanical systems and more survival skills all in a crash course, and two of yours have shined. The laughing part is: Holiday Prep 101 One family branch is trying to make your bread, and they burn it. Another main part of the family is trying for the cookies and they burn them. Then for fun your mom demands for thanksgiving she be the dessert person...baking pies, and she forgets entirely......and we get an SOS Baker Square call as we're leaving the house, how fun it that? Well from the minutes you had to leave us...you've made it interesting and heartfelt: the 8, the wind, the butterflies, the feel on summer days that you were definitely still in your corner sitting on your bench, with us listening to our music...definitely with us....we feel you, you keep us all strong, you keep us all moving, and you definitely keep us all loving when we're together, in fact we can only be away so long before we need a dose. The dreams....I thought you were laughing cause it was me, I never thought you were laughing cause it was him.....I hope it's a long time before you come to get him....he's my insanity and my sanity all at the same time...I watch him sleeping....just for the beauty of the moment..actually I've begun to 1/2 sleep which is giving me shadows...I always had him pegged as a sudden thing, don't make it be soon...leave him for awhile...then you'll have your fishing trip one day, but not soon, okay? I knew Katie was wrong about the apricots....cause he brought them to you and still has them beside him. The crying, our moments, yours and ours=no one wanted to leave or be left, it was a simple as that, and yet you've found a way, so that we're not left, we're supervised...Lol Christmas you will be there with us, that's why the woman is having it, preparing for it. We're coming back for the warmth your hospitality to us always rendered us, you were our Santa for so long, and yes our woman was always our Mrs. Claus, we would have it no other way, and we love her for her bravery in welcoming us home, she has the other half of your warmth we felt for so long...her own warmth. We all won't be pretty continuously, but we will bring our love for you and your family that you kept glued together throughout the years, and make you shine some more. And the boy I first met in his training pants in 76 on my first visit to the house, we'll he's shined too. He's been everything you could have asked for, he is superb, and I am very proud of him. Let his dream fly upward. And he's learning parental tolerances so well, Unfortunately I can usually smile through that part...cause I see you another day another child. so a hundred years from now we will have matter in the life of a child, and their children, and their children, we pass it on somewhere, some instance, yes? You live on and you are strong. Love you, And Merry Christmas from our heart to yours. Kath

What do I want for Christmas?

We all had moments when we reacted badly. We all made mistakes in that time frame. We were all guilty or wrong about something in our interactions. The law of Physics is: For every action...there is a reaction, yes? Well there were plenty of reactions. I want my family, I want my family to be with me and to enjoy good health with reasonable happiness, that is what I've wanted for Christmas. We all came from the same place, it just shaped us all differently. Different life characters in a book, with different tolerance levels. What did my Mom say we behaved the worst to the ones closest to us, as we knew we had an almost guaranteed forgiveness from those closest people. A life is very similar to a book, it does render different chapters, and you can shape the chapters better as you learn from the past mistakes. You have another opportunity to improve and modify somethings you do which will affect the outcome relative to what others choose to do based on your responses and actions. I still want to hear their voices trying to tell parts of the stories at the same time, I still want to see laughter over a silly stunt pulled light years ago, I want them in front of my tree again for a picture. with hope for one day receiving this wish, the inner child

A Man I learned Much From

November 27TH, 1918 just another day, not really, somewhere in Chicago a little boy was born who would become a great man, my Dad. In his younger years he was a good family man to his parents and to his sister/sisters (two died young), he had to exit school early during the depression as his Dad had unfortunately drank away the profits from their butcher shop, thus his father became the new owners employee and my Dad who was of a Polish family but who insisted they speak English at home so he would do well in school with learning English, well money was scarce, the depression was well on and my Dad had to quit school to dig trenches/ditches to bring in extra money. When he was young man he was surrounded by his friends "The Honoree Gang" named for the street corner they frequented in Chicago until it was time for a long war, World War II and my Dad enlisted in the army and became eventually a Sargent and was stationed in France, Belgium, and with Patton's help they invaded Germany and saw much of the damage's the Germans had inflicted on all of those countries, and saw the camps at the end of the war holding German soldiers instead of Jewish people of all descents. He came home and started working as a printer, and met my Mom who lived not far from his own home in Chicago, she lived on North Avenue in a huge apartment building close to 1841 North Ave, it had a wonderful hot dog stand next to it, and they had the best french fries on earth as we children would one day declare. It had a bar named Louie's at the end of the block. They dated, married, and had children, 3 of us, and tried to make a good home for us in Chicago, within the first few years he lost his mother, his sister, his father, and our mother had already lost her mother and her youngest brother early before she turned 15 both were gone, so my parents really focused on work and home and family. My mother tried to take care of her father & stepmother along with help given by my father, and somewhere along the line my mother became ill, and was hospitalized for several months and remained ill for several years. I remember my father's attempts at cooking dinner for his three children, I remember his transmission going on his vehicle & him driving backwards to the hospital in Evanston to see her cause he promised he would. I remember a Christmas when the vehicle was broken or snow was too high where he took a sled with one of our neighbors and carried home our fresh Christmas tree on that sled through many miles of bad terrain and cold...for his children. I remember him teaching me that gardening was like life you always had to give back some to the earth...you couldn't just take. I remember him telling my brothers that they had so much cologne on they smelled like bad hookers, and him telling my mother when he had the wrong colors on for a suit pant & coat...not to let him go out of the house looking like a j off, and I remember him telling me when I was spending too much time visiting them after I'd married that my husband might be angry, and " Married life was not all Lying on your back", these things were said practically thus I remember them smiling and seeing the humor in Ziggy's way of coining it. He loved the city of Chicago and it's beautiful old buildings, old architecture, knew where the underground streets were in the city, took us to see the Water Tower before it was ever revamped, and was one of the few dads to take us to Lincoln Park Zoo for summer evenings, and we went sledding in the snow for hours, and ice skating and he would take us whenever he could to something fun, until any fun ended for that while. Ah, I do miss this man, but I try to carry him in my heart, he would have been 89 today, and I celebrate this even though he passed when he was 71, I celebrate that he was here, he was seldom afraid of something, he tried mountain climbing and liked it, he worked around the house and made many improvements to it, always reading or researching first but never being afraid to tackle it. Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you lots, Kathy

The Woman, the Sisters

Friendship is a wonderful relationship, you tell each other the truth, you tell each other your secrets, your dreams, your fears. You laugh about many things throughout the years, and you cry together. The woman and I call it "taking a moment", having one of our moments. The woman always said she wasn't like me, and yet with time, we laugh at all the feelings we have in common, we are both very resilient and forgiving. We both love our people and thrive on making someone feel better, making someone happier, more balanced. Throughout the years our friendship has grown to sisters, not by blood, but by experiences shared, hearts shared. She loves me when I'm good or naughty and I love my sister right back the same way. The depth will always stay, she knows her man trusted me well, before she ever did. Family can make the best friends when they come with an open heart., and we have that. We are lucky here. It only gives us more strength for the longhaul.

Thanksgiving

Giving thanks for what we have is actually hard for some people when they've suffered a loss. This year I feared we all wouldn't be able to say thank you, to celebrate our Thanksgiving Holiday with a genuine heartfelt spirit. I was wrong! The family drew together, and they were all glad that we had eachother, that we value eachother, that the value has brought more love to each little pocket of being: us. I was very proud of all involved. Yes we do remember other days, and oh yes we definitely know what we lost this year, but thank to our other friend, we remembered how much we have, and how much was in front of us. We did good, and our lady who led the prayers for us, well she did beautifully. Thank You Again, The inner child

The Portal, The Winds & The Butterflies

Several points:

Few wake from the deep sleep state long enough to say their goodbyes through eye contact, once your in a coma you usually pass through gently enough. The joke between our men or husbands who were close brothers had been always that when visiting each others homes they'd get up and give "The Look", it said "It's time to go", the woman would grab her purse usually and stand and follow the man. This time the woman told the man he could go on without her, and she would meet him there one day when it was her time to go.

You have to understand that when our friend departed through the Portal it carried an impact on the elements as well as us, you most likely had to be there but I will attempt to describe to you that outside of the house as some of us hid in the darkness of the shadows on the porch faces seeping liquid, the first thing we noticed was that the winds picked up, it became quite balmy, then very windy still with no threat of rain, and it stayed windy for the next 24 hours, good sized branches broke and fell to the ground, the 8 came off the address that night of it's own volition as well. It was as if the elements knew a great change had occurred for us and for them, and that the 8 had been reduced to 7. I can think of few as harmonious with man and nature alike as he was. So all that happened with the winds only made our souls fell a little lighter as the winds were in harmony with our own loss of him.

Just as unique to Chicago would be our visitors during the month that followed, first a few butterflies, similar to the Orange Monarch Butterfly and yet reverse in color scheme, they flutter into our sights, quite often as we discussed him, or told stories of him.

Then they began to increase in quantity, especially when we were out on the front porch, all gathered we were, still telling stories, or thinking back reflecting on better days when we had a visual of him standing or stooping near us. Now we began to see 4 sets of two fluttering up around the maple tree, one would come down and land on the cross walk, moving it's wings back and forth like a good stretch, then another day they increased so that at any point in the two hour stretch of time you'd see like a camera a good 20-30 butterflies flitting around up in the tree line of vision, some down nearby the roses, and some began to land on the porch railing just chilling out with the rest of us, some would land on his father, his son, and finally on his lovely lady who would talk to them and ask for a sign.

She finally got her sign, it landed on her should, this beautiful butterfly made by our planet and God, it sat there quietly, and let her kiss him, and even after the kiss he stayed for a moment longer to let the gift set in on all of us who witnessed this special moment. He was always a patient man, I do believe he will patiently wait for her, For all of us.

Last week I am told the butterflies still flitted around in back of his brother as he sanded the front porch down for repainting, a project he is doing for his brother as that is his best approach to life to right now.

You do not see this type of phenomena in Chicago or even it's suburbs these days, so I thank him for this additional gift and sign of better things to come.

Is twilight the opposite of first light? A Day....

It's first light, the birth of a new day, a day 24 hours of time that can change and alter much, that can make some laugh, and make some hurt. Either way we have little control over which it will render. We have some choices of where our paths may go, but we have no built in controls for it or guarantees.

My husband says that the stars are always in the heavens, even during the day when far from our sight. So I ask my husband aren't rainbows always present somewhere? Some place consistently, maybe also hidden from view? He says he doubts it, but I believe they must be.

Maybe near the rain forest.

To sit on a dark beach in the east, and watch the sunrise out of the ocean, first just a hint of lightening, and then every few moments strengthening in force and size, until this glorious 1/2 circle is just resting far out on the horizon, and the warmth that comes from it as it reach a gigantic ball of brilliant orange and makes it's way into the sky out of the water.

To see a day start, all the promise due to it's intense beauty, this is what I would wish blind people to see if they could have sight for an hour, this intense miracle of the days birth.

A year ago I read a very sad but sweet story about a girl who went to heaven, and she found that heaven was different for each of us. It was comprised of the things that each soul liked. One persons might have colored balloons, an others might have dogs, and an other's might have a beautiful lake or spring or waterfall. She'd say: " In my heaven I found....."

My heaven would be ribboned with rainbows for pathways to see each of my missing pals. And flowers, lots of pretty flowers. That's where I'd meet them. One of my first gone friends would be playing songs on his heaven accordion, One of my lady friends would have little animals around they've cherished, one of my other gardener friends would have surrounding with green grass like Humboldt Park, and waters running through the terrain with a ton of interesting flowers, like the little pocket-books we marveled at here, he couldn't believe a plants flowers could be shaped like a purse. And one of my other friends who recently hit the sky ways would have deer in his heaven, but probably would have baking supplies near at hand so that when he wanted to he could get up from a conversation as was his way, get the apples out, the sugar, cinnamon and flour, and he'd create a wonderful apple pie to share with his new found, and some old friends for a time. And is Bobby Lehman there, did you find him? I thought you would.

And in fairness a sunset can be a beautiful thing to see, watching the tremendous ball of fire sink back into the west sea, just as dynamically as it came out of the sea in the east the same day.

Between the waters how many lives lived happily, lived dangerously, twisted and turned for some, and ended for others, who will go on to their heaven.

Remember you never know what each day will bring, so enjoy the minutes, the hours, the people, your people on Earth. We'll get to the heavens soon, but not yet.

The Portal and the Colors

I believe that as you pass through one world and into the next you come upon a doorway, rounded but alive with Aurora Borealis type of colored lights, and when you pass through it you find your path and some old friends are waiting for you to take you through the next levels and the light. God's Light, pure and clean and filled with good things that are so beautiful they swell your heart/soul, and let you know it was worth the journey there.

I believe this especially true if your karma was good and cleaned of most of your life accrued blemishes.

If you were impure of heart, then your entrance there and what you would see upon entering would be different, darker and quieter, and that you'd be greeted still but left to figure out what past wrong deeds you had done, and you'd have the opportunity to think about this long and hard until you could see the error of your ways, then you would be released to the other levels.

The Heart of the Family

Is it only June of 2006 when we all gathered in the yard celebrating the folks birthdays and Anniversary? The heart of the family was so pleased that day to have us all together again.
He and his honey had worked hard to set it all up, and he was additionally please when he came upon his tents on sale to shield us from the sun during the bar-b-que.

He had his siblings debating with him as he had gone and arranged for a new fridge for his mom, and a computer for his dad "from all of us", and one by one tore our checks up, we had come to him while he cooked and observed from his corner. He simply said
"let me do this" , and smiled his cockey ...I won smile as I shot his picture that would become a favorite of the family in the months to come. He was always so happy if he won a round with us, he enjoyed it the way some people like me enjoy bartering on the christmas tree price each year.

He was very pleased that day and commented that he was very happy to see the whole family together, everyone had made it in for this occassion, that was why the big smiles for our picture taking.

It was a wonderful day that he watched from his command station near the grill. He has been the heart of our family for so long. The arranger, the Christmas Santa, the baker, the fixer, the financier when you'd bottom out, the main troubleshooter for all our problems. This day he found fun in putting the beer and leftovers into the old frig which had now been moved to his corner, he didn't have to carry it all back up the stairs, at least not that day.

He is my husbands brother. He is my third brother. He is my son's Uncle and GodFather. He has always loved us, even when we were naughty, maybe more when we were naughty.

Then came the seizures, the bicycle, and his own new way of reaching work. Hard for a proud man.

Then came the surgery on his birthday for this Octopus of a brain cancer, that had mostly returned three months later, and each month more., and more.

Loss of speech, loss of limbs, loss of doing all the things he thrived on, and even simple house cleaning, or walking down to the front porch to chit chat, gone slowly being robbed. And all the pain the Octopus brings with it as it wins.
Last saturday was one of the last times his eyes opened, a slight confused look, and then he got it, the eye sight was going, distorted, he closed his eyes and leaned back into his favorite chair.

On sunday, he began his shutdown, his honey and I believe the eyesight was his own internal signal of no more, I am tired he decided, and so he prepared to exit through the portal to our next level. He was going to heaven and we were heading for temporary hell.

He passed through the portal about 1:21am on thurday 6/7/07, and he opened his eyes then, and his wife and children told him they would be okay, and that he would be okay, and that they were allowing him to go on, and as an easy 10 years of pain brought age flew off his face, and he looked so beautiful, I knew that he found the portal everything we told him it would be, and I also knew that somehow the Octopus did not win, our Michael was the winner.

May God and our heaven hold you safely till we meet again. Say hi to my folks and Lauren they're waiting for you.

Your adopted, but loving sister,
Kathy M aka: Rick's Kathy

My friend the adventurer, the beast and the Portal

Back in October the night of the 26th he asked me what I was thinking and what I had to say? I told him back then that sometimes after he went through his surgery of the beast and his vast array of treatments, therapies, he'd be angry maybe very angry, I told him I wanted him to never push us away, he promised he wouldn't. I told him he was well aware we always loved him big time, and we'd ride shotgun for him, his wife-our friend, his son and daughter-our nephew and niece and the family, he said, "good". Then he told me his take on things and were it would go, it matched my own acquired knowledge. He was interested in the time. Time was all he wanted, some of it for his family to slowly accept what had been thrust upon them, time for them to decide they wouldn't want non-quality for him, time to use well for them to slowly and gently release him from his bodies life here, not to be confused with his spirits life here. His spirit will still be here quite often, checking in on us all. I've never seen anyone use time so well before. He wanted to be himself and laugh with his wife, kids and family, he wanted to keep doing his usual things, chores, shopping, breakfasts and dinners. He walked blocks on a cold winters day to the store for her Valentines card, didn't like the Spanish assortment, so he walk more blocks to a store further away in the opposite direction to find one in English, mission accomplished. An Act of Love if I'd ever seen one. 3 weeks later he couldn't do it anymore so there was no birthday card for her, it hurt her...but only because he couldn't do it anymore, it was a marked change in our time slot. Easter was here and we talked and dined together, laughed, loving our visits with each other. The next weekend the talking was gone for one of us, the stairs which had been mastered so far...slipped away....reading the news paper was not to be a daily routine anymore, the doctors said no more treatments the beast is winning now....had been winning all along. Endgame, Hospice. The next weekend brought the seizure, and throughout the week much more sleep. One by one the family took the time to say whatever they felt they had to say, some said their goodbyes and I love you's, some said they were sorry for unimportant to life end wrongs, wrongs that might matter to the living inhabitants but become a mute point to a person facing the final chapter. They'd been telling me for days to go in there and talk with him, to say things to him I could not and would not say, a bit of a non conformist at heart, maybe more than a bit, they wanted me to say my goodbyes? Not ready, pieces not in place in my brain. Still thinking in mess up fragments, rebelling at everything conventional. Finally thoughts together, an angle I could live with, yet wanted to make sure he was good with it, too. He was resting when I approached, but his eyes became very alert and tuned in when I stood by the bed, he was used to his sisters and brothers infringing in his room, but he smiled at me. We had traded secrets and worries the last 20 years, as the first 10 years we didn't know each other as well, we had a knack of never telling lies to each other. I told him they wanted me to come in and talk to him, he nodded still smiling. I told him I could never say the things they wanted me to say, I didn't believe in them. They wanted me to say my goodbyes, I told him I refused to say goodbye to him, I didn't believe in it. I told him what I would say is after things here.....finished playing out, I simply would say "I'll see you my friend again sooner or later, probably sooner", he smiled and nodded. I told him one day we'll have a hell of a party all of us. I told him all along different members of the family tried to figure out why him? Why not someone else out of us. I told him I'd figured it out, and that it was because he "was the one we came to for advice all of these years...all of us, we'd always turned to him for help, so he's going on the adventure first, cause the rest of us assholes probably couldn't find the place" , he nodded smiling but with tears in his eyes...and said "Yes", nodding more. I told him we will still continue to ride shotgun for his family. That we would be here to care for him as he would care for us, and thanked him for never pushing us away. He smiled and cried harder, we hugged. He's my adopted brother for certain, he's been one of my guardians, this all hurts, but we've done it all the way he'd decided from the start. On sunday night he was groomed and on monday I fear he's started what is called in Hospice world "the burst", up dressed, cleaning out a fridge, more grooming, and socializing with loved ones. I think the burst will shift, more sleep and the portal, the doorway to the next level will open with it's light and colors, and he'll find some old friends and family waiting, and there he will spend his portal time until we find him again. Us who are out of town all fear each time, we won't see you again, it actually drives us throughout the week, monday and tuesday we're bears, wednesday just numb, thursdays almost bearable, fridays hopeful, and saturday we're off and running....heading for you, to see you. I can't imagine the family, any part of it without him. Yet we all find out after that you never really lose the person, you carry them with you, in your heart, in your mind, in a phrase you use that they used to say, in tending things and people they loved while here in body, and as you this you learn that their spirit is with you at times. Sometimes felt more keenly than others. Sometimes it so strong you look over your should cause your sure they're standing behind you. Sometimes you'll feel a hug or slight kiss on your neck or check and feel you've been touched by them...just for a moment they've gotten back through the portal they went out through. Besides our fathers, and my husband, my brothers, and my boss I find you to be a highly admirable man, you have given me as valuable a lesson in how to live and die with with courage, some wonder, and dignity as my Mom did. She was so very good in her time frame. She told me about the colors, how spectacular they were, she told us about the waiting area..."but they're not ready yet, a little bit longer", so it's good and okay, friend. Thank you so much for keeping the promise. I love you well. We all love you well. And remember we will all see you sooner.....or ....later. Kath