Good Morning Glory

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Well not today, I missed it, this was the day of spring forward on our clocks in the midwest, and this old woman was very tired it seems, so I woke up to full sunshine. There could never be said enough good about the sun and what she provides for us humans on planet Earth, but she does a lot spiritually as well for mankind. Spring items on my future list: glimpses of first flowers peaking through, first green grass, first butterflies, first robin to make my wish upon, first soft breeze, first 70 degree day, cleansing rains to wash away winter decays and bring new life to the land, my list is endless. I am excited for the upcoming spring and all it's gifts. My belief is it will revive us all, and bring us stamina.

March 2014, please come in, bring some magic.

If you're born to the midwest generally you feel autumn begin the last few weeks of August and continue through November, Winter first bites you in December and that is just it's beginning. Snows and freezing rains, sub zero temperatures continue on throughout January, and February. The landscapes can be beautiful, they be stark, cold, and you feel the darkness of longer nights. March will bring daylight savings time back to our lives, and one would hope they will bring thaws of much accumulated snows, warmth of sunlight, and eventually glimpses of green grass. March 1st and 2nd brought us more snow, 6 - 8 inches, we'll decide while we shovel it. This Winter brought the problem of "where to put anymore snow". Enough, bring us sunlight, flowers reborn, birds singing us awake, bring us a colorful world of grass and blue skies, please bring us some warmth. March can do anything she wants to with mother natures, she has a magic wand:)

Photographic memories

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" It's been awhile since an ocean side sunrise, and longer still since our famos Lake Michigan Sunrise, of late it's been winterscaped sunrises out of the front room window, but they are all still splendid, thank you. As soon as my mind wander to the ocean, I remember days of La Jolle (said as LaHoya) I remember being there several times with Sarah as it's a favorite place we love each time, and walking it with my husband and son, Katie, too. Enjoying a different part of the world and the sunshine. Another trip would bring a lovely walk there with Grandpa Dean, who embraces all the marine life to be found in the rocks nooks and crannies, we basked in the sunshine, self portraits taken of our group as we wandered the beaches and piers. And the last time we went it was my son, Kitty, Sarah Katie and myself, seeing it all over again, loving it all over again. There is a healing like no other that comes from the Ocean, Sunshine, soft breezes, and sounds of the waves as they rush in and out, it's magical, it's natural, and it lifts the burdens right off your shoulders. So though I sit here writing in the midwest of winter, I am actually far away at the beach.

Still tripping

Who knows where it all really starts, it's so electric with intensities in everything. The streets of the city, the guitars, the warmth and intensity of finding where you belong. It thrives, you thrive. Time and life issues cast their shadows, make it fluctuate and reshape. Relationships influence, and shapeshift it some more. Despite the environmental pull it has enough strength to reshift itself back into it's core, a very intense, invisible lifeforce that still claims you, and you still belong. It still holds the deepest part of you.

Selfish Acts, and the mystery of why, defying reason

What seed is planted in humans that establishes selfish people? Was it some depravation of childhood, was it always apparent? Was it a gene? A horrible childhood? Why would you nuture it, condone it? Why would you tolerate it's constant demand to be fed? Why does it grow? Why does it thrive on demeaning others? Why would it begin to look normal to anyone? My friend of many years husband lands in the hospital for several weeks, he has multiple serious problems, artery surgery needed again in another leg, yet addiction to painkillers to be weaned off of first, that reared it ugly head after the first leg was done. Amazing she still drives, but not liking winter she has not made an attempt to go see him, nor has she talked to any of doctors. We're talking husband and wife here, 50% = the other 50%. Her sister and kids tell her off about this, and implore her to go see him. Nada. She pleads her case of she might fall and get hurt going to see him..... I am amazed, I have seen so many sides to the "human" element, the selfish side, that I have no doubts why my Mom preferred dogs to most people, it brings back my humor. I've known her for years, I was business partners with her once, but still I am amazed that the seed of self preservation is so very deep. If my spouse ever needed me I would be there, and even if he was pissed at me, I'd stay very near....whether he knew it or not...and I'd be right up those doctors asses, too. Most of all I'd want to assess how I thought it was shaping up for someone I say I love.

Giving Care & Taking Care in the soulessness of winter, January

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Saw several beautiful Winter sunrises in January 2014, glorious pinked out skies, absolutely gorgeous. One look would bring your dead winter soul back to life, and the harshness of this winter has been rather numbing, at least for me, it nearly causes shutdowns in some arenas.... So we share some things we encountered or witnessed as they played out, more to get it out of our system than anything, sometimes simple conversations revive old pains, or things we encounter bring back old ghosts, they are ghosts of people I loved and still miss. I can be percieve as a jerk sometimes and yet it is not intentional, believe me if it was intentional I'd leave no pause to wonder if it had been, a clear cut Aquarian who shoots with her own truth and could leave someone wounded with her words. No my blog is for me to put all my backburner thoughts into some type of order or structure, once down on paper I can move on better. My husband has long supported that this is my blog, I think he actually gets that it is my way of thinking it out so I can move on, keep what's good in life and walk away from what's bad. January 28th brought a new life into the family, no I have not personally seen this wonderful little baby girl yet, I have seen 3 pictures of her. As I hear of her safe birth the ghosts of mom and dad are with me, and Lauren Meghan, too. I feel across the universe how happy my folks would have been for my brothers family. I feel the relief of my niece having flown at the same stage of a pregnancy as I had flown light years before, and the alarm that that fact had caused in an aging auntie, and silent prayers realized that better endings can be had, despite old ghosts and shadows that somehow stay in your mind of self blame for so many years. Next I encounter the old woman lost in the Jewel parking lot, it was the coldest day of the year so far 17 below not including the windchill, searching for the right car, looking confused and perplexed, she's walk back to the building for a minute of safety. I drive up to her and ask what color, and make the vehicle is, she tells me and I let her know I'll redrive the parking and have a look and let her know, I find two suvs it could possibly be and as I drive back to tell her she points behind me, and says here they come, her family had brought her to shop for her one bag of groceries, yet they decided they had time to go out for lunch while she shopped, I was happy for her relief and yet pissed at the simpletons who call themselves her family. I think of my own Mom, and my care of her. And I think of a woman with a faulty memory in a spiral of the family who is still driving herself despite repeated accidents and proof of advanced alzheimer's, the girlchild tells me the state of illinois still says she can drive, and I wonder, will she remember how to get back home? The skill is remembered, but the destinations are forgotten, and many people go missing every winter, my conclusion is anger & WTF? One man at dialysis this year near halloween has memory glitches more pronounced after treatment than prior due to all the fluids drains, his wife picks him up religiously, she ran late one day so he went home with someone else from the Pace Driver system, this scared the shit out of everyone not limited to her, the staff, the other patients and caregivers, it took some hours of worry before the driver finally brought him back as the man did not remember where he lives, thus another WTF on caregivers. The staff is very cautious now about the man, and the other patients also keep watch, did his wife learn the lesson, only particially, she puts it all onto the staff, and still does not stay. Some two years+ we've seen people have to wait several hours for their ride, all sharing the same low blood pressure and need for food, bathrooms, and bed, we've seen other people who ran into problems during treatment need to be transported to the hospital, we've watched security tightened after someone would be lost to a treatment whereby their own relatives would threaten the staff members, we've heard tell of the one relative that came back with the gun for the staff person, and then they rented a security person for a time, this woman has seen it all, too. We've seen people we've known and liked miss enough treatments that the staff will finally tell us why they're not there any longer, dialysis or diabetes or heart having failed them. But apparently shopping is her thing..... And then Karen calls at work, Stuart is much worse, the combination of Glioblastoma and MS couldn't tolerate the chemo and radiation treatments so well, one condition or the other render him without working legs, he's been hospitalized for three weeks. She finds out in this time frame as the kids take over his business that he's done some possibly crazy things, he forgot to pay taxes, she's trying to get it straightened out, he's thrown away things he shouldn't and has started hiding other things in the strangest places at home and at work. She is angry, at everything, and at him for doing this. We talk 45 minutes, my boss is aware of it, but gives me a wink for helping her. I tell her a few more chapters to a story we shared 2 months ago, it gives her perpective and some of her own heart back, she drops her anger at him, and goes back to just wanting some better days for their family with him. I was reared to believe in God. I grew up on the stories of Jesus Christs adventures as describes by other men, they were mostly stories of goodness, and purity of action. Feeding the masses, healing the masses. Too many things happened somewhere along the road, but I cannot deny the Universe, it's beauties, it's mysteries, the opportunity given every day to start over. "Take a sad song and make it better" - Hey Jude, The Beatles

Nothing Else .............."What was that for?"

I think we all have a sunny side, and that we all also have a dark side. I can be a joker, but when I am deadly serious, whoa boy even I can feel the deadliness of the mood. We have a variety of things go smoothly for us, and then we hit the roller coaster ride down, and we have no idea if we'll land safely. For some the economy has had a lingering effect, knocking the stuffing out of the people it besieged. Tough, yet not if you know your bottom line, a capability to see the big picture, see what matters most in that big picture, and to recognize what is bunny fluff you may have grown used to. What really matters to you the very most? Do you know your own self, or do you disguise your feelings by piling crap on them rather like decorations on a tree, so you can't really see the beauty of the tree itself? So going back to deadly serious, "Nothing Else Matters" Metallica and their finest contribution in this girls eyes : Lyrics: So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they say Never cared for games they play Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know And I know So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are No nothing else matters Read more: Metallica - Nothing Else Matters Lyrics | MetroLyrics

A Cold Reality to the Insurance Agency

I have worked at the insurance agency for 10 years, and in those years you do come to enjoy some of your customers, just as you'd like to throttle others, and yes I have a few I could actually pop through the phone for, one very rude and arrogant woman who always would call, complain in the form of screaming at you and then she'd slam dunk the phone as hard as possible in your ear, she's some fun....she does the same thing to my boss who owns the agency. It is people like her that make you appreciate the others who are calm, cool, and collected, some of them are that way no matter what. And so some you will become more attached to, you have a phone relationship, or many emails exchanged as you go about the business of renewing their policies or making changes to their coverage's. A husband and wife we've had for their personal insurance and also for his business insurance, a kind and simple man, he'd even referred other friends to us who were in the same line of business as he, friendly competitors so to speak. He's had MS for a few years, some new symptoms appeared and he went in for scans, and MRI's, loaded gun glioblastoma reared it's very ugly head again, it is the bitch of all brain tumors. Brain surgery for the Thanksgiving holidays, a lovely way to spend the holidays, they're told it's all gotten out, they do not know it's cell structure as glio yet, the man actually returns back to his business within 7 days of being released from the hospital, two weeks later at the follow up visit with the oncologist they are told what type of cell structure and of chemo & radiation schedules. The husband always handled the bills, now the wife takes over, she's a bottom line realist, we work at making payments and getting some neglected accounts brought up to date, we talk. We talk a lot about options, family, and other friends who have encountered this relentless very silent killer. We talk of lessons learned in life and that sometimes we are nicely presented with "Time to say our I love you's", and other times we are robbed of that, they have a large family, so many different personality types, some will need the time more than others. She writes me this morning that his car and himself can be taken off the auto policy, the auto's been sold, and they know by symptoms that it's not safe for him to drive anymore. I am sad for them, and sometimes I can truly feel others pains. No doubt the business will be next. And on and on....until I get the call to take him off the home policy. Some have died from heart attacks, some from altzheimers, some have been related to my boss like Uncle Roy, one was a contractor who shot himself when the bottom of the housing market crashed, all touch you, yet two of them have struck a nerve. When was the last time you saw the sunrise?

Page 1 of 365

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Too early yet for a sunrise here, but most likely due to the snows, it would be overcast this morning. 2013 has now tottered off to it's magical cupboard, a place where eventually someone will retrieve it momentarily, dust it off a bit, have a memory or two, and stick it back until another day. 2014 on the other is a blank notebook, pages 1-365 unwritten as yet, all of us equal in not knowing what it will bring, and all hoping it brings some great days with it, at the very least bringing more days with loved ones and good friends. Time does mellow us all, and I did seem to notice more recently how much more I value all that there is, an expansive, all that there is, family is still the first priority of all that there is. And I still wish them enough.

The rise and fall of an American Dream

Once upon a time there was a man, the man started his own business, this business grew to be an empire. He had seen his father do, but he wanted to try doing it from scratch, not wanting to ride on anyone else's coat tails. He was a visionary, he had a dream, an American Dream, he was a very fair man who well rewarded the people who helped his visions grow, and he enjoyed the people as his Camelot grew, synergy at work amongst them you could almost grasp it with your hands. Prosperity and Comaradie walked together for good many years, thriving and constantly growing to be more, unti some very evil investor men on Wall Street and equally evil men from our own Federal Reserve brought an entire nation to it's knees, everything grinding to a halt. Banks failed Companies closed Layoffs of unthinkable magnitudes An entire housing market collapse, and with it a multiple of tradesmen, ground to the same halt. As our own prized media advertised on the nightly news "home value depreciation", repeating for months that turned into years, oh yes indeedy they did depreciate to the point of obscene. Jobless masses became foreclosed homeowners, became homeless. Starting over, scratch, zippo, where they'd been as young newlyweds. Others would use every sent of savings or retirement funds they had to stay slightly above the water line. Banks were bailed out, no questions asked. This would enable them to help people with loans, consumer loans, commercial loans. Not so much helping with loans, they did however totally modernize their robotic machines, computer programs, and now you could bank by phone- no easy feat to accomplish but they survive strong & steady. However, the banks did not want to lend money to the people needing help the most. So instead they turned into the most collective homeowner there ever was, holding so much real estate in foreclosed homes, that if they can simply wait out this fiasco called a recession, they will have a very tidy profit in their greedy little hands, profits made off the collaspe of the American Dream. The man with the vision was rocked as well, vast quantities of land and homes given back, given back to who? The banks. He and his remaining people survived to a point by revamping foreclosed homes for the banks, until they could begin to buy homes at auction to resell as some demand came back into the market. And they were sucessful at this. And slowly they were able to re-hire some of the talent that had earlier been laid off, and for this we kindly thank them for their expressed loyalties. He also started a blog a few years back, writing various articles about the slow signs seen of the housing market recovery, some from a businessowners eyes, some from a consumers eyes, but all of his writings contain a very human element in them, they gave us hope, hope that better days would come, hope that we could stay employed long enough to reach a retirement age that is so close we can taste it, and as he gave us hope, we were able to gain some ground back, making 50% less yet supporting a home that demanded 50% more, can deplete the soul a bit, but this mans blog kept us thinking Camelot was damaged, but might after all with time and patience be restored to a doable condition. Maybe it all had too much impact, or maybe there are things we don't know about, the man's vision of an American Dream comes to an end for himself, his employees, countless contractors who work alongside on so many projects, he closes the company soon and yes it will carry it's own impact to many, including the man as I don't believe for minute he wanted to close this particular chapter of his life's work. Aside from my own boss who is the very best of people, this man of vision was also one of the finest employers you could ever want, his belief in the American Dream will continue on through the echoe's of what he started so long ago, as his own Dad had done, and slowly America will continue to repair, especially if we become of a sounder mind than what is presently representing the people, the fragmentation that exists presently impedes progress. Many thanks for the hopes, and dreams, and all the good adventures along the way.

Universal checks and balances, the woman, the child & the shadow

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Overcast and snowing seriously, they say we might get two feet of snow, not the most wonderful news for a womans body who already got jacked up this week, and has groaned in it's sleep the past two night, last night dreaming about MRI's, long story short I took a good fall face down onto our icey parking lot at work, 10 years there with three good falls, black ice on asphalt is treacherous, and not always discernable, I had tested the terrain as I got out the truck but as I walked behind my own vehicle went down fast and hard went the woman holding her prized orange juice cup trying to break the fall with her left hand yet bouncing on her sternum, boobs, shoulders, whatever, cussing as she tried to get up only to have all fours go out again, seeing a car coming and hoping I wouldn't slide like I did last time, driver slows and continues on, pissed because people are now afraid to help another human, pissed because it ruined a good shower & shampooing, orange turned to hair mouise, hell of a way to start my favorite work day, Friday. Now the soreness has set in, and though I smile and laugh it off, everything still hurts. The soon to be 59 years old tires of the reindeer games. The bones are not what they used to be, now are they? Snow shoveling, as we move into Christmas week, far less romantic than what is was some 35 years back:) And still the child sees glimpses of Christmases past, the woman inside sees the present season cherishing the same people she cherishes all other seasons, through times she's learned there are limited things she can control. Does she still pray? Why, yes all of the time. Does she still pray to baby Jesus, grown Jesus, and his Father God? Sometimes she does, does she pray to a very large universe that holds all of her people, beloved creatures both animal and insect alike, a universe that brings her four seasons she loves equally, yes I suppose she prays to the universe quite a bit, mostly for universal balance. As her shadows world passes by her eyes, sometimes she sees thing that other miss, she never understood why, sometimes her senses are far too keen, to the point that she's barely present in this world, just for a moment or two she strays way out there taking a moment to put a thought out there for all of mankind, and for her own kind men, of balance at the very least. So we still go into Christmas week with love in our heart, expanded religions, thinking of our large families, and individual battles being fought, and praying that we all enjoy the quality of what more days will bring to us. Love, and time.

Thankful most of the time

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" I looked out this morning just as the sky began to pinken, brings warmth to my soul just to see the beauty of it giving us all a new slate, a day fresh for us to draw upon. Thanksgiving week brought a wide varierity of things: A boss who gives me two days off as holiday, the day before thanksgiving is my own Dad's 95th birthday if he'd been here, I talk to him and tell him he would have most likely hated being 95. I receive an email from my younger cousin that her sister who has been ill the last few months compliments of diabetes, heart problems, and a dialysis program which she never took to at all, has passed. Thanksgiving is usually spent with my spousal unit and his Dad lovingly as his Dad goes for treatment, my spouse knowing I'd see the family the next day on their holiday celebration infers I can't come with which leaves me with best and highest use of time, my brother who had invited us to his home but without pressures, is where I will head for. Sometimes for me with half my original core family gone, I do love my husbands family, yet sometimes I have missed my own sorely, different humors, different souls, time passes for all and waits for absolutely no one, so I went to see a much loved nephew, yes the one I love to toture and play with Auntie Style, and I was able to spend some time talking with my brother and his wife, and see her family as well. Drove back at sunset to see my spousal unit and feed him our bad cookings version of beef stew for Thankgiving, lol. The next day we hear to the city for the other celebration, most of the family is able to be together for this holiday, only a few are missing due to other plans made long time back, but we do have some fun for ourselves, and it is nice having time to make some new memories, all the while people know we're lucky to have the folks here for yet another year, health systems not perfect, but they work, so we are laughing instead of crying, much to be thankful for all year not just one particular day. My spousal unit and I leave, I need to get home to get my truck and head to my cousins wake, spousal unit stays on expressway and rescues me big time by driving me to the wake, he probably half knows I would have gotten badly lost if on my own, I hate wakes so knowing he is near me gives me the courage to walk in the door, he waits outside but it is close enough to get me through this. Ma called him my white knight, and yes he still is. Little lion man walks in and goes to the front, I say my best prayer for her religion and for my universal portal, and after, I slowly greet my cousins and second cousins known to me, one who knows me well doesn't recognize me due to my silver hair and probably her own grief, I tell her it's Chicky a nickname my dad gave me as a baby that stuck with my closest cousins, she takes me to see her sister who looks up blankly from her own thoughts and sees me and come back to life and we hug and sob together, I talk a bit with her son Frankie who has the MS and incideous disease if ever there was one, the Irish have long been known for their tears, and it keeps on going. I am finally able to say I will need to go, my kind Rick is out waiting for me, saying all kinds of goodbyes I find my knight, and we drive home keen on our destination. Yesterday I spent in my own home, and in my own town, and last night with my own immediate family, some amusement had making pizzas, I prepared the first half of the ingredients and home made dough, and my son takes over as it's time to roll out the dough he is tempermental in his creations, which makes his mother, the daughter of laughing Irene (Ma always laughed when it was getting out of control), laughing as he got pissed off at the dough sticking. Still we had some fun. Being Thankful is not a one day stint, I think most of us know that, I believe the holiday just serves to pull family back together for a time whereby we acknowledge how lucky we are. The old "Is the cup half empty or half full?", the real answer always was: "the cup always has something in it".

Universal pull

Part II: Let start by saying I am blessed, really blessed, still the Universe I won't back down from using that as the best description. Somedays are very fascinating, really. I sit here laughing and yet, I've been in so many odd situations today, and I am so entirely happy for my Chicago upbringing, as I believe it makes me tick just a little uniquely. So I write my first blog this morning, and then I leave here to go up to Buffalo Grove to retrieve a Memories stick/flash drive I had forgotten at work. It was about 65 degrees out misting rain, and as I got off the expressway I take to work, I slowed to 35, my brain thinks for one minute that the vehicle is not responding she's going to fast and I am airborn in the direction of the right side of the ramps deep ravine, I yank on her steering wheel, 1-2 rear tires might have had ground contact still, she spins in circles two to three times, clothes pins in the bottle where she'll stop nobody knows....I think I am about to get seriously injured or die, I say "Oh well"...and as I yank on her steering wheel trying to hang in there she lands on the opposite side of the off ramp ass end first, fuck I am still on the decline I am going to roll, she stops I wait to see if she'll start the roll, she stays....the woman driving, naw probably the shadow by then remembers 4 wheel drive....maybe that can avoid the tow....damn she drives back up the hill and onto the ramp again, at least one of us is shaking...and we head back onwards to work and safety. I hydroplaned once before in my life with my baby in the back seat....I have been graced by the universe how many times? Kats do have maybe 9 lives, #8 has been invoked? Later I leave work go to grocery shop still trying to stay ahead of the crazy storms they say will come, as I leave the store the storm has hit, high winds, hail, the sirens go off, the rain is awesome and just comes down in sheets, they let us back into the store, once it lets up to realistic we escape, the vehicle has water up to it bottom door seal, I back her up worried about here engine, and then load the groceries standing in 8 inches of water all the time, she and I drive home together as I talk to her telling her what great care she takes of me and vice versa, she is my machine friend in this unpredictable little work, I am blessed by the universe, one by one we get home this very scary day.... I love my family, I love my truck, screw the rest, Home is where the heart and safety is:) I love the Universe, may the force be with all of my lovies.

"And so it goes...."

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" November sun peaks out from behind the cloud cover, still a beautiful sight to behold. Some shifting in our present universe, and all at one time. For the life of me I can't quite grasp the direction, forward or backwards? It would have to be forward, wouldn't it, just based on the proverbial time clock. The unforeseen layoff was announced for sometime in the beginning of the new year, most likely January. We had previously been laid off the better part of three years with 1 year back to full time employment, this time however the company we've loved for many years all the way back to 1994 closes, but alas someone else besides us has grown tired or else he wouldn't close up shop. Many warm thoughts his way for all the years he kept it juggled, it was not easy being in that line of business. People who had been kept employed the whole time, are having trouble adjusting to the thought, interesting always the contrasts in perspective caused by experience. The back part of my brain said "Damn" I only prayed for three more years to get up to that early retirement poverty level the middle class so use to look forward to, So an unnamed date brings us to lessened incomes, no healthcare, no dental, resources of 2009 long used up. Sometime in the happy new year of 2014. So late at night instead of counting sheep, my brain counts scenarios: I am headed towards 59, and the body went to hell gradually, faulted largely to bad foot tendons after a few good falls and 10 years of walking 2-4 miles 3-5 days a week in my mornings which I dearly loved, couldn't start a day better. But this past few months the pains aka discomfort of the bones and muscles, supposed to go get a bone density test done, one doctor sights Osteoporosis and rheumatoid arthritis and the dynamic duo cause off of an x-ray, but it goes everywhere in the mid to upper back and is actually debilitating to the old girl feeling it in bones, muscles and nerve endings as it picks up in a day, chores not half done and I want a nap, a lay down, preferably on something very soft. Last night I wondered about my cousin Frankie, and how he describes it as a disease no one can see. Back burner. My pal is headed to 60, back surgery of years ago failed, he knows true pain as he's been cast back into physical labor he's done since he was 22, he says little of his pain, if it's bad his mood will alter somewhat to quieter, he's a tough act to follow. If he's tough than I need be tough, is how we play it or try to. My brain grimaces when I think of what his work days are like, I am a wuss. I will need more "mind over matter" And then we're both needing dental attentions, so judgement call says go for it, versus back burner, won't get any better, go now, get it evened up a bit. So, a mortgage to pay homage to, and laughing, how many people out there pray for their vehicles to behave, our whole family does, the vehicles now hold us ransom to having jobs or being able to get to those jobs. So life keeps shifting, tangible pieces within your grasp move slightly outward, far enough so you're not certain if you'll be able to reach them, but human nature will make you keep trying...you try for your people, you try harder for the love of each other. As I stated in a previous post, I cannot really go with God, I think man invented him, that is where life has gotten me to, but I still will hang on to the belief that the Universe provides us with what we need as we need it, and we are close to being in balance and harmony as long as we have love and some type of good health. "And so it goes" - Kurt Vonnegut

What's in an hour? Mind over matter, or matter over mind?

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Laughing the clocks go back an hour tomorrow at 2am in our world, and I am trying to tell my spouse that by 6am tomorrow we will see daylight, I will pray for sunshine instead of clouded morning just so I win this particular round. What does the time change signify? There will still be 24 hours in the day, it will be light out when I drive to work and night and dark when I drive home. The old girl does not like driving in darkness, hasn't for a few years, perceptions are different already, and it appears the night driving is more startling to me, some things real jump out, and some imagine or perceived incorrectly by changes in the aging vision. Mentally the time change impacts until you can come to terms with morning yielding more light sooner, and that so much of it is a matter of perceptions anyway, yet that never kept me from yearning for my birthday to approach as soon as possible so that I could drive home in the light again. The reality is that the cold weather comes with the time change by the hand of man and the farmers clock, and in all reality it is the cold of winter that makes the dark so formidable, those nice long drives where your heater is finally working when you're half way home:) And so we let the winter games begin....and counting off 4 months of rains, winds, snows, shovels, plows, filthy cars, only to pray for spring again and more rain leading to sunshine and warmth. And so as I age I become more of a child yearning for the sunlight.

The Very Vast Universe

Imagine, a vast universe. No I don't think we can even begin to conceive of what really is encompassed by the Universe. Humans, animal life, oceans, and sea life supported by it including corals which they now say grow as tall as some of our tallest buildings off of their ocean floors, The Milkyway, aurora borealis, the Sun, The Stars, The Moon, all planted vegetation including our own foods, and some absolutely splendid flowers of gorgeous geometry. So many species, so many catagories, some ugly, some beautiful, electrical magnetic fields. Yet we teach our children to prayer to God, to pray to various entities. We pass on folk lore within all of the cultures, we pass on written holy word from BOOKS WRITTEN BY MAN. We oversight the obvious answers, "The Universe" is a marvelous, vast, surrounding that provides us with everything we could possibly need for our lives. I don't believe words could ever express my wonder and delight with "all that is" out there!

Embracing Life

The years of this girls life have actually have flown by, similar to a good 800 page book you're enjoying but you've got approximately 200 pages to go, with all the characters established in the book that you've grown to love, find humor in, be irritated by, so goes the book of your life. One is real, one is not, lessons learned from both. I love the characters in my life, and have tried hard this year to spend time with many of them, I see the value in time more than I once did. Time represented the amount of clock I had to do chores and errands, now I've shifted it to include visits with my favorite people. Have also streamlined lined life to include as little as possible of the negatives. No good can come from negatives. I was invited to dinner this week for the first time since I was 18 summers, by my brothers. We subject hopped, enjoyed some laughter, and yet touched on how fast the time has gone by, we took some minutes to enjoy OurSelves. I am glad we made time, siblings have known you forever.

The Road Not Taken, go right

Sometime the road stretches out before you, and as you come around the bend you see a split off, you have no idea of what lies ahead on either of the roads, at least never with a certainty, but you have a very good idea where the one road leads to, it's a dead end that eventually becomes a very intense maze no one could escape back out of. Options although disgusting choices were laid on the table, neither being embraced them. I can't speak for the one, but that back burner called a sleeping mind stayed plenty busy, most nights back up awake for a few hours, brain clicking away like a over worked computer. Last year I came to you for a game plan, and you out and out spit on me and threw me from the window, so with very intense child bound (the child drove the truck there) spirits of process of eliminations versus some bottom lined hope I broached you again, I am nauseated as you come up with your suggestion of how it could all work, the child still has hope, the woman is sickened to the point of shakes, and the shadow takes over, the shadow took over for the entire afternoon of waiting. The lessor of evils wins the day with a call back, yes, let's go to hell this way, follow me. I believe the woman drove home, with tips from the shadow, and onto the explanations of self, Lucy. A bettered band aid, time tabled risk, extreme disciplines required to make this a true betterment not backfire ever, and some of the universal light needed. When the child drove me there yesterday she had only the purest of heart within her, I am always so thankful she's remain, she is the bravest of creatures and pure of heart still. And so we take the path to the right, we already knew where the left would get us to. The woman would have quit the game eons ago if not for some very intense loves, child knows this, shadow protects all.

I read the news today, oh boy!

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Up early, still dark out. I try to only watch the news twice a week. If you have internet or if you're on face book, you get saturated anyhow. It's a no escape type of scenario. So what do you get? Nelson Mandela is released from a long stay in the hospital but still considered critical, give pause to own thought there, he did a lot for his people. Baby pandas elsewhere, frolicking. President Obama seeks Congress approval for Syria intervention to stop chemical warfare from being used on it's own people. Monsanto still trying to feed the people genetically engineer foods with pesticides in it, they assure diminished in state before people consume, and yet tests on laboratory mice blew holes in their stomachs, and it's not recommended for pregnant women. WTF, really? This should be an out and out NO, Thank You. Why would our governments even allow this treated and tainted food, let alone why would the FDA who is supposed to be there to protect the people, not the corporations wallets! Why don't you put that in front of Congress? And last but not least, Parents of a 2 year old child, who did not know it was in a hot 98 degreed car for 2 1/2 hours, the child is deceased, but police feel the parents really did not know the child was in the car, so no charges will be filed. If you have a two year old, how can you not know where that two year old is for 2 1/2 hours? And the English Princess Kate surprise people by showing up in public unannounced. Who cares?

The simplicity of what we need to believe in

I was reared a catholic child, a catholic young girl, a catholic young woman, and talk about instilled beliefs coring a young persons being. Slowly although I still hang onto the stories of baby Jesus, and the man he would grow into, if folk lore of his days would lead us anywhere, it would be that babies need to be protected at all times from the evils of mankind, and later great tales of his sharing with others, and putting others welfare before his own, this is all true and possible within the human spirit of man and woman. Many are capable of these qualities, and as witnessed on the nightly news, some people are not capable of these simple kindnesses. After traveling through life thus far, I have re-jockeyed my belief tremendously, if asked my religion I still would say Catholic, but due to the examples of Joseph, who I feel was severely underrated, Mary who tried to be a good mother, and Jesus who was a great example of being good people. In reality, I believe more in the Universe, multiple planets, star constellations, unknown untraveled worlds, and our own simple yet very beautiful earth, which if viewed just for her nature alone is a miracle of life sustained at so many levels besides the human element. The oceans, the sea life within. The earth and the world of insects within it, and the animal life supported upon it. Flowers, vegetables and all they can hold in supporting mankind, let alone their beauty. The four seasons, each beautiful and unique. Our sometimes simple and often complex weather surrounding us. And mankind, the love we see within families, the miracle of one generation after another, this is what I believe in, the Universe. I also believe the universe although not entirely kind, does play out as well as what it can, trying to maintain a balance or correction when things go poorly, not always able to due to the severity of what has gone out of balance. Now, throw into all that the complexities, and the simplicities of human relationships. love, dislike, greed, intolerance, a kind word, harsh and strong words, need, indifference, working at relationships, or walking away, births and growth, and loss of a loved one, sometimes several loved ones, all of these being experienced simultaneously by millions of people across the universe. Could you possibly believe all of that goes on daily, and yet we struggle to keep balance. We start small within our own families, and we try to carry it outward. And much a the pebble thrown into the waters we see the ripples go outward. Yes, I believe in the universe, and the mighty force within us.

Hindsight 20/40, and what counts

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" It's been rising into view for awhile now. It promises to be a lovely summer day. Augusta, the last third of the harshest month, so I grow wistful. I weigh out my life's adventures, and assess where we are, where all of us are, and where it can shape to, ultimate answers equal glum, but the adventures in between are what we look for, some spice in the recipes of Sunday through Saturday. Things that can warm the heart, feed the soul. Even when in a well behaved mode, cautious mode this puppy can land herself in a pile of dung or two. Be it a posting on here, or a picture liked and shared on face book, a sentence spoken after work and traffic rolls me in the door a bit serious, we still manage to get into trouble, so we grow quiet, quiet is safe, we delete relatives from our face book, throw many kept onto restricted which is an experiment since I don't know what it restricts or whom, and at home we will just have to weigh our words out better so we don't aggravate the youngun', who has a short fuse at times, lol. Do I have major regrets from a life time? Nope. Could I have done it better? Nope. Why? You can't change what or who you are and you would have done the same things cause you are you. Everyone else thinks they'd do this and this, sorry you are simply lying to yourselves. Outside effects altering your progress, well that's another dimension of the adventure, but overall performance, no you are only capable of rising to each occurrence much like the sun each morning, and doing the very best you can with what is laid into your path. Some of it you can sidestep, jump over, but on occasion you might trip on something, get back up, dust yourself off and keep on walking. So, I loved you the best I could, tolerated more than I probably should have, my resilience cuts everyone slack, and I head off to find some things that can warm my heart, somedays it's a flower, or the skies colors, but it's out there waiting.

Destroy the economy and get your wrist slapped?

Three years & Eleven months ago some really crazy events began to play out across the United States first, and eventually it would highly effect the various countries around the world. The old middle class has been reduced in number significantly, and what's left of that reduced number still struggle to find some relief. It is still amazing to me that true justice has never been served: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/01/fabulous-fab-verdict_n_3691227.html

Sometimes you have no clue, who values you

Last night we traveled to a young mans wedding reception, he grew up with our own son from Kindergarten through high school, years of Zoo and Museum field trips, multiple years of being room mom.
Playing basket ball out on the front of our driveway one whole summer, interrupted constantly by our dear neighbor would confiscate their ball  as they'd trespassed onto her precious lawn which she paid homage to in the highest form, this would result in a summer of her calling the police on 11 and 12 year old boys just to be a power wielding asshole, and one silly policeman threatening to take the boys away to the station if they continued playing basketball, and me sighting this was the USA and not Russia to my knowledge. It ended with her ranting at me one day while I watered the lawn, and psychotic break 101 I shot her in the face full force until her glasses flew off.  Suffice it say, yes the police came out one more time, but not for the boys.

After a time the boys didn't come for basketball anymore.

They did grow into teenagers though and remained very close friends. The friends went through growing pains together, their own peer issues, and also divorcing parents, split up households, one set of parents who didn't want their own child at a given time as the timing wasn't convenient, parents laid off and moving away, one parent turned to drugs, another arrested and tried for a crime, this made the kids lean in and stay packed tight together, talking it out by one young mans fire pit many nights, each of them offering the best support they could, we would see them at sporting events and prom pictures, they'd stop back here for awhile after school, always raiding the fridge, and then poof... they graduated from high school.

We rescued some of them from themselves at times, some times in the middle of the night, once they ended up painting the outside of our house as a penance, other nights they'd be offered a blanket and pillow and shown the couch or given a sleeping bag if it was too crowded.

Off to college they go, all thinking they would one day be the goal they'd set for themselves, and they all (except for one who wanted to be a policeman and is a policeman) have ended up doing entirely different careers than where they set out for, some of them would have underage drinking tickets or pot related violations in their path, some would haunt them in the job seeking world, some would be assisted with their first job by another, and yet at thirty years of age they remain very close friends.

So, we were surprised when we were invited, but we did attend, and I was strongly blown away by the love and care shown us by many of the young men, but especially by the groom who hugged and kissed us both and simply told us we had no idea how much we meant to him.

I think sometimes we measure our success by the monetary standards set world wide, and last night I knew clearly that we've been able to give more than that to some of these young men.  We gave them time and love, a port in their storms, and maybe some stability, it was a very sweet and generous show of love from them which I think surprised us both.

A day in the life, independence day

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?"  I am not always tuned in to the Universe the way I would like to be, and eventually it causes me some growing pains, an old Stephen King Line out of the gunslinger series still fits the best " Never forget the face of your Father", and for this old girl it's never forget the Universe and all those miraculous little pieces that comprise it, and give warmth and love and care to a single day.

I was awake at 2am, saw my spouse off to some well deserve fishing time with my brother, did the dishes from the night before, some laundry, and tidying in the wee hours, so I could get myself readied and off to the city for a day with Grandpa, which is for me a prized day, he and I never know where our conversations will take us, but we always end up on the great schemes of life, and speak of Gods and now add in some verbiage about "The creator of it all", my own thoughts of the Universe and what a powerful entity that is comprised of, it all comes out the same for some one, some place, with mine, nature plays a large part in maintaining balance in the Universe.

Spending time with my pal allows us to solve a few puzzles within the larger puzzle, and slowly we make progress on how to un-muddle some of things that can begin to weigh you down along the path, we've had this intricate relationship that developed over the span of the last 36 years, I can be myself with him, and as always he gives me a spoon to work with on the great recipe of life.

Watching him interact with Anna his nurse and seeing the interesting life concepts they discuss throughout his treatment, conversing in earnest on all different points of view only makes me prouder of what is inside the man who is my son's Grandpa, the nurse is a good person anyways, but she will walk away from the day a bettered person, a thinking person, and somehow a re-vitalized person, and during the conversations it comes to light she care very deeply for each of her patients (she even liked and enjoy our friend Ron recently mentioned in another post, so then I told her the end of his cab drivers story, and how much he actually respected their time as he conducted an analysis of how they're dispatched and into his TheMayReport.com it went).

I bring Grandpa back home, visit with some other family enjoying a day off from work,  and think I should head home as is my habit, but I have been invited to stop by my nephew's home, I haven't been there since January, but the aging adult hates to drive an unknown route (that is my one secret, I am a coward when it comes to driving the unknown), crap when would the next opportunity be? So off I go in the wrong direction from my home, lol.

No regrets on this day, I see even more family members, no real time for catch up, but plenty of time to see how much they've grown, and now they have even more people to love and grow with, they enjoy their beanbags together, and as they part plenty of hugs and kisses are given.

I say my goodbyes, and drive back out on an expressway free route my nephews given me, and "oh my God-Oh my Universe" I am presented with the most beautiful sunset, a golden globe to follow home, I am in such a euphoric state following this sunset, it is the fourth of july, I know I see hundreds of people lined up along the road (Northwest Highway by now) waiting town after town for a fireworks display that will start in two hours, and we're all witness to the same sunset, a star some think is dying, and I've wondered, and I actually pray not, and this like the icing on a cake completes my day, and completes me and some very heavy duty healing my day and Grandpa were able to give over to me.

There is so much beauty in the Universe, this one sunset would have to have healed many, and set things to right and into a balance.

I reach the house it's twilight. I'm home! 

One of our Dialysis Friends, Ron

 I've written before about this one man we met through Grandpa's Dialysis treatments, he was not well liked by many of the nurses, he drove them nuts with asking them to call a cab, cabbies didn't show up due to the buildings boasting a back address or sometime they had already dealt a round or two with Ron, and he had not charmed them in the same fashion that he had some of us others we were able to see through the many layers of bullshit and baffle he could throw your way.

When you're sitting out there waiting you observe much of patients very tired from their treatments stuck waiting for cabbies called an hour earlier, or pace drivers picking up their fares waiting out in the parking lot for people who were wheelchair bound and needed some assistance out to damn parking lot two heavy security doors kept them from, so my spouse and I play door opener and sometimes wheeler.  You see it totally from the patients point of view after the first day of witnessing.

Ron grew on me, always asking what book I was reading, telling us stories of how his neighbors finally put a note on his door asking to stop screaming at the cabbies at 5am on a saturday and pulling out the typed note to show us, cracked up an entire waiting room, many filled with fellow dialysis patients who were catching their small meals to stabilize or caregivers who had come to know this mans rather jewish humor, me I had no idea of his lifes work until two weeks ago when my spouse told me about TheMayReports.com  below is his last report he wrote from his hospital bed before he died from complications of diabetes which is why he had landed in dialysis about 7 years back according to him, I can only say I enjoyed his humor, saw through his bullshit and baffle used mainly on cabbies, and I will miss his powerful personality:

The May Report: Final Report – No Really

The May Report June 24th, 2013

Let me start this, my final report, by saying, Jerry, you were right.  You outlived me. Without boring anyone with the lengthy details of my long failing health (just check out the last ten years of archives for the complete history of my journey to this moment), let me bring you up to speed.  I checked into St. Joseph’s Hospital on Friday June 14th near midnight because of an infection in my right foot.  It stunk so badly that my presence could be smelled a block before I arrived.  After several days of dealing with doctors and being pumped with antibiotics, the “healers” determined that it was limb threatening and the foot or leg may have to go.
I was wheeled into the operating theatre on Wednesday, June 19th early morning.  While in recovery, at 9:01 a.m. I stopped breathing and my biology was calling the shots. Despite much prayer and hope it was Game Over.
So if you have sent me any emails recently, don’t expect a response.
I had become less than motivated about the report over the past couple of years, which may have had as much to do with in increasing inability to get around easily as my general waning interest in Chicago’s tech community and this new generation of players.  I had seen much of this before, during our first run up.  Only now, many of the old retreads were still around making more noise than impact, and the most interesting entrepreneurs we’re leaving for anyplace but Chicago as soon as they showed a glimmer of promise.  Was I motivated to investigate and castigate yet another generation, in turn alienating myself?  Not really, once the Flips of the world had left the building, the party just wasn’t as much fun.
There are no doubts that many of you are a breathing a sigh of relief that they’ll never be the subject of another snarky headline or personally intrusive investigation.  You know who you are; I don’t have to remind anyone of my favorite subjects.  And then there’s my personal cast of Grabowskis, the folks who have been my “friends,” writers, confidantes, sounding boards, informants and midnight gabbing buddies.  You can all turn your phones off vibrate; there won’t be any more 2 AM calls.  We had a good run and I leave this life with no real regrets, at least none that I can print.  And to all those who are in the midst of suing me or were planning on doing so in the future, if you couldn’t get money from a rock, try getting it from a pile of ashes!
I understand that my old Peanut Gallery is planning on throwing a party for me.   They’ll use my mailing list and this report to provide anyone who cares with the details, it will be in July.  Go ahead, get really, really drunk, act inappropriately and know that this time I won’t be there with a microphone to capture you in your moment of excess and write it up in the most embarrassing manner the next day.  Have a good time; you’ll have one more card in your pocket at the end of the night.  And until we meet again Jerry, Dave, Jeff (both of you), Steve, Terry, Gary, Nik, Bob, Fred, Brian, Chris, Flip, Phil, Paul, and the rest of you, your secrets are safe with me, I have carried them to the grave.
Thank you everyone for contributing to make the Themayreport – the essence of my life.
It’s been my life’s labor of love and passion.
One of my favorite videos    
I’ve left many voicemails over the years. Here’s just one of many   
One of my favorite movie lines: v=8vY-4zWKsJM 
BTW, My Mom is doing well after her heart surgery, may she live a long healthy life.
I love you Mom for all you’re support and love over the years, no matter how difficult I was.
To all my family, friends, faithful readers, supporters, detractors, gadflies, cronies and anyone else I hit my cane, I am signing off one last time.
Till we all meet again. I have to go now. This really is my final report.
Ronald Peter May left this world on June 23^rd 2013 at 11:47 p.m.
I wanted a Celebration of Life and details of my celebration party will be forthcoming.
If you would like to leave me a note, please leave a comment below with any stories, memories or any comment you would like to leave at the bottom of this post11

Ron: we are all so very interesting and complex as humans, it was the twinkle in your eyes as you spoke that gave you away, and no I haven't finished the damn book yet.

Laura and Mel, and the human element:

My friend Laura, used to work for a builder obtaining bids on materials to be used in construction, in 2009 in the year of the great layoffs she needed to rethink what she wanted to be when she reached middle age, and she decided on nursing, and has spent several years in college courses trying to get there, she is now 1 year shy of her desired designation and after working numerous waitressing jobs finally had come upon a situation one one to help an aging senior, we met recently for breakfast prior to this following experience, and I knew how much she liked him already from some of her stories and descriptions, she wrote this sad tale this past week, and I pass it on so that you might know how much paid caretakers actually really do care:

So, i got this great job doing in-home care for a 92 yr old man named Mel.  About 20 hrs a week or more.  $15/hr cash.  Can’t beat it.  And this guy was great.  his daughter Belinda lives in Washington DC and a friend of hers from high school was staying with Mel at night, his name is Mark.  Both of them are wonderful people too.  Couldn’t ask for nicer people to work for.

Anyway, I told them when I started I probably couldn’t do it once school started again in august, but already they were asking me if I would stay.  I said I’d have to play it by ear.  They would work with whatever schedule I could do.  I couldn’t ask for more.  It was perfect.

Anyway, Mel is an awesome guy.  He’s funny, loves to get out and do things and go places, and was pretty alert and just full of life.  A little short term memory problem here and there but other wise great shape for 92.  He had a heart dysthymia but was controlled with medication.  No other chronic health problems.

Well a week ago Sunday, he got up by himself during the night to go to the bathroom, which he was capable of doing, but not a good idea.  He fell against the tub and smacked his back pretty good.  I came in Monday morning and Mark told me about it.  So, Mel spent the morning in bed with a heating pad.  I was there til noon and he was good other than the pain.  Wednesday morning same thing.  I was able to get him to get up for breakfast at least, then he went back to bed.  But he was fully alert and functioning.

He was always continent before the fall and always took himself to the bathroom.  I came in Friday morning and he had a glazed look on his face that just wasn’t right.  I also found he was incontinent with poop.  It was everywhere, head to toe, all over the bed.  He had a couple accidents during this week, but nothing like this.  Anyway, he was alert but looked terrible.  I started to clean up his hands and feet before I was going to stand him and take him to the shower.  He started becoming delirious.  He would go back and forth from delirious to alert.  Anyway, he wanted to get up so he stood but he had no strength.  I told him to sit back on the bed, got him laying back down, and told him I would clean him up in the bed.  He was good with this.  Still he was communicating with me.  His breathing was good, not labored or out of normal.  Anyway, I had him roll onto one side so I could start to clean him up.  He was on his side for about 1-2 minutes when I told him I needed him to roll back toward me.  I got no response, I tried again.  You know when your gut tells you something, Listen.

I just knew something was wrong.  I went around to the other side of the bed so I could see his face, and he was dead.  I started yelling Mel, Mel and nothing.  I called 911, got him out of the bed and onto the floor and started CPR.  His ribs immediately broke.  Thank god the paramedics got there pretty quick.  As soon as I saw his face and realized he was dead, the tears immediately started pouring.  OMG, it was an experience I can’t even explain.  The paramedics took over and one of them starting asking me questions, I answered and also told them I had to call the daughter.  Mark had left shortly before I got there this morning to go get Belinda from the airport.  She was coming in for father’s day.  All I could think of was they should be here any minute and she’s going to walk in and find her father dead.  I got a hold of Mark and they were just pulling into the garage.

Let me go back to explain something first.  The first day I was there I said to Mark, “I know this is going to sound like a strange question, but does Mel have a DNR (do not resuscitate)?”  he didn’t know what it was so I explained and he said there wasn’t one.  So this is what I told the paramedics.  also because there was no DNR this is why I did CPR in the first place.  So, when Belinda got there the paramedics asked her too, and she also said there wasn’t one.  So they had to continue trying to resuscitate Mel.  Anyway, we were then looking for the dr’s phone number for the paramedics when I came across a DNR, that no one know about.  So I gave it to the paramedics, they told Belinda they would stop working on him, she said fine.  Low and behold, Mel has a pulse.  Belinda went right in and told him to go to Betty, his wife, and she said her goodbyes.  It was heartbreaking for her I’m sure.  I felt so bad, between 10-15 minutes sooner and she would have seen him before he passed.  And Mel was looking so forward to her coming.  But she kept saying to me, “He waited for me and I got to say goodbye.  He had a pulse again so he could hear me”.  And that’s true, they say the hearing is the last thing to go. 

Kathy I can’t even tell you how wonderful these people are.  This all happened this past Friday.  Last night Belinda and Mark took me and Tyler out to dinner.  She kept insisting.  When we went out she said to me “I will forever be grateful to you.  What you did allowed the paramedics to get him back so I could say goodbye.  That means everything to me”.  Kathy I can’t even tell you how that made me feel.  I was so glad that she felt she had closure cause that made a huge difference for her.

Me on the other hand, I’ve never been so traumatized in my life.  I don’t care if I am CPR trained, big deal.  Just because I have a card and went to a class doesn’t mean I know what the hell I’m doing.  And we joke at school when we ask each other, “do you know what you’re doing?”  and of course none of us do.  But we always figure when that day comes we’ll be working in a hospital or something and there will be plenty of other people there to help.  Never did I think that day would come and I’d be all alone, have to get a 150 lb man out of the bed, onto the floor and do CPR.  I had tears just pouring the entire time.  I kept functioning but the tears poured and I kept telling Mel to wake up.  Also, when you learn to do this they tell you how you will often break ribs.  Telling you doesn’t give you a clue.  With the first compression I gave, his ribs just snapped and crunched and my hand just sunk.  It was a sickening feeling.  I think I was in shock the rest of the day, it was just so weird.  Then the next morning I woke up crying, now the tears were because he was gone.  The tears the day before were because he was gone too but I think it was mostly just the trauma of it.  What a day I had. 

So, I’ve lost my CPR virginity and I had all the worst case scenarios happen at once.  This is one hurdle of nursing I won’t have to experience again for the first time.  Not that the second time will be easy but at least that horrible fear of, will I do it right, is pretty much gone.  I hope.  I’m sure I didn’t do everything right but I got the job done and it kept him going until the real help got there.  I bet the paramedics were there in under 10 minutes.  And it always amazes me how wonderful those guys are.  So, many times in the nursing homes they come and always, they are the most compassionate people.

Anyway, that’ my story.  I’m now unemployed, but I don’t even care.  I’m gonna miss Mel, he was an awesome guy and he took part of my heart with him.  Those old people, I always get so attached to them.  But doing this one-on-one care is different, you get attached in a whole different way.

I've loved my above described friend Laura for a long time, but I sold her short on how much she actually cares for the humans she comes in contact with, touch for a day in the life of:

Sunshine

Life, lifestyles and the trade off of passing you by

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" A glimpse of it here and there throughout the busier week, brings us to some subconscious thoughts of what it is we strive for, and are you trading it off for the real living that could be done in a day?
When we are small children we are ushered out the door to play, but always kept busy.  Next comes years and years of schooling, still be ushered into corridors we really don't want to travel through, and yet it is all mandatory, and we are still kept unconditionally busy, aren't we?
You get out of school and are informed you need to be an adult and you are sent off into a work world, filled with stepping stones that will spiral out into and definitely consume your adult life.
Somewhere in between all of those jobs you fall in love big time, get yourself married to a person hopefully for the love that will span a life time, partnering you up in rare instances but savor-able with a person who had the same dreams and goals as you did when you started out together.
Sad part now, you have your own children, you teach them how to play, you keep them busy with learning new fun things, they bring their little friends into their own world and yours, you watch them growing and exploring, you send them off to that school system that keeps them profitably busy for light years of learning, and socializing, so that they can go work a lifetime and carry on your own first pattern?
And just as they try to find and establish their own path, you begin to see in glimpses possibly with a touch of revolt coursing through your veins that the clock is almost run out, you have ten thousand things you still wish to do and enjoy, but you must keep working the never ending jobs as you're too far from a thought of retirement, the body starts degenerating and selling the younger mind out, it's a catch 22, a system established light years ago, a revolving door of sorts that must be finished if you're ever to find the exit, so why should we promote this to our own children?

Preschool learning + Years of school and training + Years of Working + Love + Family + Home + Years of Working + Crooks in Banking & Housing Market = Years more of Working = LOL:) 

Without this single action that is started by each of us, gypsies and nomadic tribes would still exist?

People would still live off the land more, stay for awhile and travel on? Seeing what, appreciating what?

Would those people find more or less to savor and enjoy in each day?  

Yes, every once and awhile I see a different, slower, easier path, that might give more quality to us dreamers, and I wonder what the hell we as a human "RACE" are doing to us all.

The love of little things

Thinking of you, all the years of double jobs, thus little spare time, and yet fishing for the day with my brother and allowing me to come with, my discovery day of everything living on the river shore from small snails to frogs and encouraging me to enjoy it all, a wonderful day by the water.  This would progress to day trips with the boat, and my love of dragonflies, so many different colors, one after another alighting onto the fishing line.

Making candles in the basement with our rather elaborate setup, ships, Santa's, frogs, angels, you name it, and we tried it, tall stars, of all colors and scents.

And then our gardening years, we had many fun days planting flowers and vegetables, you shaking off the earth from things we'd pull, "You always give something back to the earth".

You've been my practical side, my logic, at times when it defied the odds. And you were never afraid to tackle some unknown ground if you had to get a project done.

And all the time you squeezed in with Juice, from pulling him around in the laundry basket, progressed into a wagon, and the laughter from you two as you used your very vivid imaginations in play.

And Dad you were right, you never stop missing your people.  Much love and thanks, and hugs.

The child and a door

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?"

Sometimes as you go along you are very aware you've entered an unwritten chapter in your own life, and once again there are no instructions, manuals, or directions included.
Sometimes the pages that start to shape are not even your very own, but those intricately woven into the people you hold closest to you. And their pages have importance to how your own will shape, their well being is just as important to you.

Sometimes many of these pages all start up a new chapter at once, so much to digest and jockey about in the recesses of your mind,  A mind trying to track multi-segments, my own mind is connected to my stomach, it's not a good relationship quite often, but if my mind is over active, then it's counterpart will sabotage me, as if to say I can do this as long as you do that. And it does have a way of bitch slapping you back into mental compliance.

We try to be there for the ones we love, we try to offer help where we can, we try to see if we can't further things by a step or two, and every once in awhile we are told "stop", and stay on the other side of a door we always thought we should be able to walk through, but no longer can, we have become extended family, not of a core any longer.

When I was a child, I had two older brothers, we all loved music, and would run to Polk Brothers on a Saturday & pick up the newest 45 of our choice, the record player was in their room, me being the runt could sit outside their closed door and listen to the music from the hallway. This was a right of passage as they were my elders.  I spent a lot of time in that hallway. It became a norm:)

Simply put I had little control or influence then, and the years have not rendered more, I can only be here in case anyone would ever want to talk to me or hear my take on this page.

-A Day in the life of Sunshine

The would be mother part II

In finishing a previous post regarding our spring visitor the expectant mother duck, she stayed with us a good three weeks, and really just sat in her nest for most of that duration, we tried to supply her with a food and water source, one day she went off for a few hours to an unknown destination, but did return at night fall, she stayed another week, some heavy rains came and went, and then she left the nest again this time we could see several well shaped perfect eggs, along with some mis-shaped somewhat distorted eggs, couldn't tell if she'd crushed them or if they were somehow naturally looking that bad.

She did not come back!

My son's take is that she must have hatched several good eggs, and gone off with the chicks, my husband indicated we would have seen and heard those chicks if that had happened, and I wondered if she met with an accident.

Articles I read indicate she could have laid what is called a bad clutch of eggs, and wandered off once she knew it was hopeless.

Somehow, staying in tune with nature, seeing it in a different perspective than others might, I feel for her if she stayed and saw that through.  It's never easy to stay and see a thing going to hell in a hand-basket through, is it?

Living Outside the Box

So much truth to be one's own worst enemy, we constantly live by actions that our day light savings brain tells us are erroneous. And still it goes on and on, I will never truly understand humans, dogs are so much easier to deal with.
We humans want relationships, we want days of enjoyment, we want houses and families, and all the darling debts that go with them, and then one day we decide we want simplicity, we want to streamline, and all because we've grown tired of the endless treadmill.
We now try to think outside the box, how funny that human nature, we should have put the brakes on long time back before we got into the crazy box.
We want, we want, we want.....

Another Lady or the Tiger story, isn't it?

-A Day in the Life of Sunshine

The Would Be Mother

So much can be said about a Mother, especially as we arrive at Mother's Day weekend.  Parenthood in any case comes without a manual, no licenses needed, no special education required, and we're are all off at the races one day ad-libbing, some by instincts, some by learned behaviors of what they saw as they grew up.

Our daily lives here are work challenged,  challenged also by the news media and all it's saturation, add to that the things we witness as we travel to our jobs, and sometimes we land back home a little tired, worn down by a week, and then one makes a small discovery. And we remember to enjoy being home:)

About a week back my loving other 1/2 tends to some yard chores he thrust upon himself, and upon inspecting his yard he sees a female duck known as a drake hunkered down between his yard speaker which is disguised as a rock and some tall grass he'd cut down a few weeks back, and backed up to our garage exterior wall, and she is not just any duck she is a future Mama Duck.  He tells us of his find, and like the small children we are at times, we all come to life, we check on the duck several times a day, we feed the duck, and water her too.  She has not come out of that spot in a week, least not that we've seen.  She pivots left, right, 180 degrees, forward, but stays put on what might be eggs.

Speculations as to her Mallard male counterpart ensue, we fear he must have had a mishap and speculate that otherwise he would not have left her on her own, we speculate he'd have come to relieve her so she could go feed herself properly.  We think we are his surrogate, our son included in checking on her before he goes to work in the morning, and spying on her once he'd returned late at night to see if she is eating, lol.

And then my spouse " Mr. Google" who loves to google the internet for information tells us last night that Mr. Mallard is off dallying and amusing himself, he does not return to help his mate as even simple pigeons do, apparently this species does not have devote loyalties of care associated with it. His research indicates she will be here several weeks, he speculates on how much fun it will be to cut the grass and weed whack with that nice gas powered machine he has now or in a few weeks when we have so many little ducklings running around the back yard......

We have no idea where this is going, hopefully to some smooth birthings, and other wondrous moments of humanity, but it has given us all some sweet moments of enjoyment this past week.

It gives a moment to reflect on mothers of all species, and father's who are really there as a main support to their offspring, and the constant miracle of life on this planet daily, noticed or not.

A favorite quote of mine, and much thought given to:

A favorite passage of mine:

“What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn't expect them to be. You can't make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it.”
― Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key

I have found that for me this passage was the best description I ever came across on the real deal of family.
At the minimum I've had my core family I grew up in, and all of it's extensions through grown up children, marriages and more children to grow. 
And my husband's large family so many siblings, and spouses, children grown up to have their own family, and their children growing up and thriving, so many directions, so many differences in values.
My brother married into a large family as well, so that has become another adopted family, as diverse as my hubby's.
My Irish family of the south side cherished from my youth for the color of Irish music and humor, my Polish family sprinkled across the USA and into England & Poland, my own cousins still making an effort to stay in touch via emails or others through Face Book postings.

Overwhelming at times, and stressful as well. Just in the years of growing up we had in extended family a crooked cop who killed suspects out on the street, another person of disgust who abused his own children sexually and when he went to get off of the charges on a technicality the children's social worker shot him to death, the burial of his shaking to death and dropped from the crib infant was one of the early funerals I attended, so as my cousin the mother jumped down into the small grave, it would go into my memory bank with many questions that still float.

By the time you grow up, you take things in stride, you sift, and categorize, you bend, you forgive, and you might come out trying to make things work, trying to blend the rifts, most certainly never understanding all the things others think are too complex to mend, opting to leave the black marks out on the horizon forever as some type of shitty legacy.  Is it false pride that allows one to never say they're sorry?  Or do they just not give a shit to right a wrong?  All of these thoughts, and all of the questions, only bring me back to this passage: 


“What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn't expect them to be. You can't make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it.”
― Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key

Seeing the funny side of things in a relationship

Go figure yesterday I ran temperamental, mostly mental, and today my humor surfaces.  My honey would love this, I can just see his face if he came in and saw I did this to all of our gadgets!