Drawing a blank on the work week.

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Yes, the child, the woman, and the shadow still enjoy the sunrise. The work week muddles it when you get up at 5am, and try to fit living time in before 8:30am work which last until 5pm, home arounnd 5:30pm, start dinner unless the dear spousal unit has already started it, which can be fun for the tardy girl, eat around 6:30- or 7pm, bed by 8:30pm. Next day do it again. Run errands or shop during lunch. The work day is comprised of being strapped to a phone and a computer, so very little physical unless I break it up with filing tons of insurance paperwork for our clients. My boys at work some early birds, some later and leisured show up and leave whenever the hell they want to, yet the staggered schedules leave little room for concentration as they are constantly talking "at you", constantly needing something, you roll out the door damn near brain dead, especially on monday, tuesday, wednesday, Thursday is payday & by friday you treat yourself to a Duncan Latte and say "I've got this". Friday noon I shop for groceries, get gas if I need it, grab smokes if needed, and go back to work even more determined than ever to have an empty email inbox by the end of the day, all papers filed, reminders written for monday (yes at 63 yrs old I will forget why I have the file out), important to have all client vehicles schedule & id cards to them, all claims called in the insurance companies as it takes them 24-48 business hours to contact the parties afterwards. We half on an old computer program, and half on a new one, lots of learning curves and data needed to be constantly updated, a nightmare in progress since January of 2018. The one thing I look forward to is coming home, I love being at home. I put up the garage door and still like a young girl check to make sure his car is there, and I watch him leave each morning wishing him smooth travels. As we age the working gets harder, but the coming home is still the best part, I hope it will always be. Saturday & Sunday next!

Forest for the Trees

Sometime you really can't see the Forest for the Trees. You walk off the path, and maybe get lost in your own thoughts for so long that you begin to have trouble sifting what you once easily juggled. It begins to weigh you down more, you sink a bit, surrounded by the sludge. It takes the love and humor of your family to get you back on target. Yesterday the deer ran out in front of me for the first time in several years, ever trusting that I would stop, and that I would allow the time for the trailer deer to run clear of the cars as well. Always with a look back over the their shoulders, as if to say "Ha, human you haven't changed so much". I know I'm supposed to prepare soon for the next round, to get us situated for a different adventure, one that holds less responsibilities, but I mull over how to achieve that best. Donna from Suits still runs monday through friday over her office crew, but the show has ended as the star decided to go become a princess, an American actress to English Princess, interesting end to that story. So as I emerge out of the forest, I spot the path, and try to walk the walk. A day in the life :)

Regrouping after a loss

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Every once in awhile life has a way of handing you your ass on a silver platter. It is often this way after the loss of a family member, especially a well loved family member. A major component is taken out of the equation that once played in harmony with your balance, and you are left off kilter, just as these meteors are travelling in outter space, you drift, try to redirect, and still find yourself drifting. Some sense of purpose no longer there. You are lost. Slowly other things begin to grab your attention, little things, and some larger items and slowly begin to pull the new life chapter into some shape, at first more blurry, and then you will start to see some definition. Maybe winning a round here or there might lend more glue to the new you. We all need to step away and regroup in order to gain stamina for a new and bettered you. We all need to gain some perspective:

Losing a friend, written 7/2/2017

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Yesterday, today, and it doesn't make a dent. The older I get apparently the harder it is to lose a friend. A man who has long been my adult life friend and lovie, my partner in wicked humors, my mentor, in simple truths passed away recently, yesterday was his memorial, but for me I suspect my memorial will be in the future, I can't wrap my head around this yet, as Pink Floyd alludes: I am still comfortably numb, not even close to a reality. Where do I start? A dance with your new father in law, whereby he tells you if he was 30 years younger he would have married you himself? A Man who when your Dad is buried tells you he won't try to be your Father ever, but just your very good friend? A man who intrigues you in Art with Alexander, Astrology, hands on healing, massages, Herbal remedies, doing what is right for your body, helping with Herbal remedies as the various years and need go on? A man who finally was diagnosed with Renal Failure and for 6-7 years gave all in the waiting room some type of love, hugs, and support. A man who treated the staff with the utmost care and respect, as he knew a little bit of them went with all of their lovies. A man who always brought candies for the diabetic patients, something to give a boost to get them back home safely. So larger than life you have been my friend, I know fully what occurred on 6/20/2017, but on the other hand I can't even catch a glimpse of what this really mean, I am not sure what it really means, my best clues at this point are all the monarchs and cardinals I have seen since then. But get this loud and strong my dear friend, I will carry you in my life ways, and my life heart forever. And Yes, I do cry whenever I can comprehend that you are gone. I loved, and love you much.

Let your humanity show

Yesterday morning I drove in back of a car with a sticker on it: "Let your humanity show". So many spin off thoughts ensued: no tailgaiting, cut someone a break, treat someone the way I'd like my family members treated on the road, and once at work someone more like Cookie Monster immerged rather than Oscar the Grouch, which is good as almost everyone I encounter right now is facing major problems, including a customer who is always late paying his business bill, turns out he's caring for his wife through a 2nd round of cancer and his income grows leaner, needed to renew his coverage, came into see me in person. I hope I drive in back of that car again today "Let your humanity show". In this day where we witness the most bizarre Presidency in our lifetime, with all the crazy trimming to go with that package, constanting saturated in the negative news of each day from Washington, D.C. Sad to say American people have been betrayed like never before with this all about the rich getting richer saga that will finish the middle class and lower class off where the 2009 recession only started the process. News across the nation of pipeline projects still being continued despite whose drinking water and food tables it is contaminating. News of a young black girl abducted (she was a straight A student) and filmed being attacked by multiples of men, all recorded an put onto facebook so that her mother actually saw these attacks occurring, and the poor girl is still missing, most likely dead or sold off to some pimp in a drugged state to be further lost to everyone who loved her. Groups of people with baseball bats assault couples they encounter to rob them of their meager possessions? And on and on it goes, this saturation of one group of people classified as human, thinking they have the rights to attack and change someone else's life forever. I sometimes think that not enough time was spent telling people to keep their hands to themselves, and reviewing the commandments with them to get the real life lessons conveyed. So bottomed out by the news, and also aware that some of the current events have made me more aggressive of late, it was a welcomed heart opening moment to ride in back of this car and be reminded: "Let your humanity show" - A Day in the life of Sunshine

A favorite poem for the long haul

Still a favorite: The Road Not Taken: Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

Who let the savage out

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" I need to go to the ocean, I need to watch that sunrise, I need the wind in my face, the smell of the ocean, I need to sit in that awesome vast scenery for a week, possibly forever. Who let the savage out? The news media? The disgusting choices of candidates? The horrible joke that won off of an antique system we don't share with other countries as we try to force them into democracy as we marshall them into their first elections, we have them let the people vote, and here we use a dinosaur called the electoral college? The jokster prepares by appointing people with horrid backgrounds, and hearts full of hate, others self serving as he is jockeying to keep his and their own 1% pockets lined while depriving the people that George Bush's administration already knocked from middle class to lower? I come to understand planet of the apes better. Or was it the uncivil war that ensued at work between two brothers, started by another families greed, partnerships involved, contracts involved, shock and anger of all as they watched reactions from lack of ethics bring about, everyone righteous thinking they are right after 2 1/2 years of that contract, me the monkey in the middle, the only one being talked to, trying to talk back and keep an insane place sounding sane? How do you work or concentrate in bedlam? How do you do it for weeks? It's on the surface at best a 10 hour a day place of pretense while you try to get some very real things accomplished for your clients. Still totally bombarded with work, the individual special projects these 4 think up, I should do as a first priority? I already have a full time job and workload, get off your lazy asses and pitch in. The only sanity left as I drive home in violent most nights, is to shake it off before I get home to my pal, him I love, him I want to see some spot of niceness from me. He has his own adventurous work days. Sometimes, our son calls and makes us laugh, or think, brings us back to life a bit more. December 1st, 2016 And I have no idea how the country will be shaped in the next 4 years, and I certainly have no clue how much stranger work will become. The bad reality is everything can always get worse. So we take it one day at a time, and pray to the universe for balance that sometimes comes with time. Definitely Donna.

Paramedics

The first time I ever had to call the paramedics was 8/13/1990, scary in moments of urgency it's hard put to remember your address or name, you are in warp time, brain racing, not being able to comprehend what is playing out. Time really does speed and yet crawl simultaneously, at least for me. I can never say enough good about the paramedics that have here, their assessments and moments taken to stabilize the person in need, makes time move slowly, and yet for the person in need is a necessary evil to be endured. Following an ambulance is a bizarre time frame, too. Trying to drive sanely as they do, but your mind is not on the road. Mainly, they get you to the hospital so other treatment can begin in life saving modes, sometime people win, and sometime we suffer a loss, you never know how it will finish until all has been tried. We lost that particular battle the next morning which was 26 years ago, but still the gratitude is extended to those people who daily walk into another persons home to try and help them in the spirit of "time is of the essence." Major thanks to the people working out in that field. Jimmy is one, and I am very proud of him for all he does.

Donna at Work

Ha, Donna from Suites it is! Twelve years ago I was hired by one man to work for one man in an insurance agency, simple, simple, customer service, claims, certificate of insurance for any corporate accounts, evidences of insurance for those refinancing, auto id cards as needed, cancelling old policies as new ones were written to replace, payment reminders to the chronics who are not fiscally responsible, renewal applications for many corporate accounts, all invoicing and collections, condo associations needed forms, to it was a full time job then, with a possible lighter work load thanksgiving through december, that worked well due to the december holiday mailing consuming more time prepping data bases, labels, and personalized letters. My bosses brother also had an agency in the same suite as ours which he sold about 2 years after I was hired, that agency was moved out by it new owners and they took my bosses brother with them, and 75% of our accounts which had been marketed through them, they shut our passwords and user names off from our carriers when we refused to move with them. As quickly as possible we set up agency agreements with those same insurance carriers, and proceeded to have all of our customers sign broker of record letters so that at their next renewal date we could have them switched back over to us, this was a harsh and lengthy process, but slowly we won the war. We also needed an attorney so we could be paid our back commissions from his brothers old agency. This caused strain between the brothers and families. It lasted 4 more years until his brother got to work one day at his new location and found himself locked out, dismissed, access to none of his accounts, his user name and passwords shut off, some might say karma, some might say Hmm. The brother slowly kept popping in to visit us, to see if he could place a piece of business through us, then planted himself at a desk several hours a day, edged up to coming in most of the day, and slowly with our help we brokered some of his old business back through our agency and paid him his commissions on it, more and through out a two year process making my workload double to insane, fast paced, I adapted, they promised some type of help over and over, some times a college kid would come in and train for a summer or two. Always going back to school in the fall, winter breaks re-surfacing, and back to school, so sparce part time help. Then they stopped after one girl went onto medical school. My boss sold the agency about 17 months ago, "nothing would change, you still take your orders from me, I am your only boss", Ha! And then there were four of them, one of me:) First lesson, and rule of the road: The famous quote was a scam. Donna, meanwhile was born and reared with an Irish sense of humor, and also by a polish american man who was a humble printer, he worked for a man named Lucky Espasito who her father claimed was a mean son of bitch who could smile through anything in verbal communication even as he told some he was firing them, always smiling. in 1997 I felt the need for Lucky to materilze in my personality makeup, and then he got bigger and bigger in my work days at my last company which was a good size corporation, my version of Lucky actually helps the working girl survive in this world of men who frequently run businesses out of a long overplayed tradition of men ruling the world. Sometimes commands are given to a worker, and Lucky has always emerged with the most insane of the commands, he makes Donna smile the biggest smile, the smile is equal to have you gone completely mad? But a smile it is. Donna works for 4 men who was everything done first, some email their commands, some spew their commands, others plop files with notes onto her desk and one them does it in stacks while she is gone to lunch or in the bathroom, and then the fun begins when all of them need something scanned to them right away, or they want their person called back right away. And then they think she has time to write procedures on exactly how and what she does in detail so that if Donna is ever struck by a stray bullet someone can come in and take her place, and somehow be trained off of the procedures. They appeared to be oblivious of the work load imposed, Donna can only keep smiling on the days where she is not cussing. And now we've got a monthly newsletter to be developed, and mass multiple emailings added in, the first of which had to include a time change reminder that needed ro be sent out by last friday to be on time. Pure Bliss, says Donna. In twelve years my say salary doubled, but let me tell you it should have tripled. -A Day in the life of Donna

One of our candles blew out

I actually value each sunrise, yet more because a few humans I hold dear. I'm a funny spirit who enjoys many of the people that have wandered into my life, oddly enough some of them I've never actually met. Even so, they can make the days enjoyable. Oddly enough this one was a pen pal I had for while a few years back. She just passed through the portal. Every once in awhile I get accused of living in the past, or of being a romantic, yes and no. Lee befriended me through emailing with her Ma and her moms brother, we had fun with our writing back and forth across this USA land, an enjoyment computers and email have linked out to us humans. Her sense of humor was very enjoyable, and she had a heart pure as gold as she cared for her aging parents, her trailer adjoining theirs, she cooked for them, repaired their computers, shopped for them, and in general took good care of them, it was our common ground, as I still was doing that for my Ma, too, as we had for Dad when he was here. The friendship stayed until she lost her folks a couple of years back, not without a deep trauma to her in it's shaping and it's final days as well. Initially we still wrote back and forth, and then she just stopped responded, she had been trying to clean out and re-organize their trailer and her own to sell it and go travel. She had actually been looking forward to going wherever she wanted to. She never saw what hit her. I have seen my own Ma go through this, my best friends Ma got yanked into the same syndrome, some people call them hoarders, some people view them as OCD, I view them as people who have lived through extreme trauma resulting in LOSS, in their own ways they feel they've lost everything, and they become highly fearful of throwing things out, as it might be the wrong thing, resulting in more loss, loss of a precious item holding a dear memory to them. So they begin keeping much more than they should, and eventually break down to the point where they are unable to throw anything away. Her isolation there could not have helped her at all. I firmly realize there but for the grace of my guys, would go I. I've been lucky to have my guys help me through my own traumas, and hopefully vice versa, the last thing one needs at that point is to be isolated and left entirely alone. So though I ramble, let me re-focus. It struck me odd that no one celebrated Lee's life, or celebrated what a warm loving character she'd been for the long haul. It seems her last two years of guarding the valuable and the unvaluable nailed that door shut for her. Not for me, I will always remember this unmet cousin who dubbed me Witchy in warm fashion, Yep I'll always thing of this particular candle of life with a smile on my face, she was a keeper:)

Poetic Justice

Our first born was lost to us a few days into this world. That was 37 years back. Thirty Three years ago today we had our son enter the world, it was a wonderful experience, and he thrived as we did, he grew as we did, he had a very good childhood, given the best of times and opportunities as we could afford. He was always a gentle child so he acquired many friends throughout his years at school. To us he was a blessing to be enjoyed, and as he grew we enjoyed his friends, and lifetimes. Teen years were a bit challenging, his adult years have yielded him with some wisdom that is only acquired with age. He is by vocation a teacher now of special education (needs) children, and of other high schoolers, he loves it, he is their baseball coach as the spring arrives for the 2nd year in a row. He has someone to love, and a very fun and high spirited puppy dog of 2 years old. Seeing him grow and find his path is all you as a parent can enjoy and cheer for. We are now in our 60's, we've lived our life paths, we enjoyed, and learned along the road, and still we try to help this young man in any way we can find the best path for the long haul. It has been with an incredible amount of enjoyment and pride that we were blessed with this son of ours. I think I speak for both of us, that we hold no bars on loving him. He thinks we named him for Justin Hayward of the Moody Blues, we named him for Justice....in this world. A Day in the Life of Sunshine-

Belated Christmas of 2015

We all have something within us that triggers our own happiness to a fuller limit, for us it's our son. Yesterday was Christmas for my side of the family, and it was enjoyable for many reasons. We enjoy seeing our niece and nephews and their folks, little children we watched grow up now adults tending their own children, many comical moments, many magical moments children best bring into our days. Besides some of our conversations shared to catch up with each others lives, I most enjoyed seeing my sons eyes shining with laughter and smiles as he played with the small children making faces to catch a reaction, and laughing when the toddlers would do something more outlandish, enjoying his cousins reactions to it all. Only a few short hours, but he did enjoy himself and still has much love for the cousins. We oldsters have had a variety of life items to survive throughout the years, sometimes it makes us harder, sometimes we build an armor to protect ourselves and convince ourselves that we've hardened, spending time around the small children, and our own grown ones, reminds us that the magic matters, the field of dreams is still forming even within our grown children they have goals and landmarks they need to make happen. So little ones see the magic and bask in it, grown children aspire to make their plans and dreams come to pass, and oldsters are softened by it for awhile pulled from their near slumber as most of their dreams have either been fullfilled or contained. The magic of Christmas will always be best through the eyes of the children. -A Day in the Life of Sunshine

Good Bye to Father Time 12/31/2015, Hello to Baby New Year 2016

Can't remember for certain if it was Tim Conway or Red Skelton, but years ago I saw a skit on TV depicting Father Time and Baby New Year, with great ceremony the Father Time character bid farewell to the old year and walked into a beautiful old wooden Grandfather Clock and greeted Baby New Year and then the baby toddle out of the clock off to see what the time would bring. I think of this each year, fondly. What can be said for the passing of the years, we've been so many things to so many people, we've travel to some degree as needed or wanted, we've accompanied our families through many a fine year, and have also experienced the loss of people throughout the years, we humans are ever changing, yet while we experience all the love and cares of our human element, Father Time always gently nudges us to appreciate the ones we still hold dear, to cherish them a little bit more, nothing taken for granted. Families on my husband's side, and on my own core's, all well loved, our son and all the exceptional character's he's brought through our lives, seems only yesterday Val & he were sitting up in the magnolia tree for ours on end talking to each other as only 5 year old can, and yet she turns 32 today, still our friend and neighbor. Or Feltman, from a 9 year old on my living room floor to 12 years old when he kept staring at my boobs, or the 16 year old we'd rescue from a party gone wrong, to middle of the night sleepovers to avoid DUI's, and so we saw him walk down the aisle with his bride in tow a few years back, and now we watch as he plays with his own babies turned to toddlers. Or David rollerblading across our living carpet, he's become the nucleus of their friend core, always getting them back together for a grill event or Friendsgiving Day. My little 6 or 7 yr old Ozzie, birthday bookclub short on money and I spot him the shortage making a friend for life, he and our son diving in the parks pool for buried treasure, and all the years of teen rescues these two lads apparently needed, and again the sleepovers, middle of the night phones as he struggled with what was playing out at the dysfunctional home, he my other cherub. We had the pleasure of going to his wedding this year, and got to see all our lovies, so many hugs and handshakes, love filled the room, which was awesome. They've been some wonderful years bringing so many good moments, it still always out weighs the bad time that gets presented to us when we least expect it. I love them all, I love each evening the old man comes home, and each call or text from my rather antagonizing son who apparently enjoys nailing his mother on any flaw he can target, lol, one aquarian to the other I try hard to get him back when I can, it's our type of fun. Thank You 2015 for all the heartfelt moments, all the love, all the kind acts. And all of those other years. And on to Baby 2016 in a few short hours.

Small components in a vast universe, humans

The universe itself is a vast place, we all live on one planet as we call it, Earth. For light years we've explore if there are other life forms out in the ever stretching universe, from what we've been told there aren't. The explorers who seek, are all tied into a government on this planet we call Earth, so if another life form existed, would they even really tell us? Be it a clone of us, and our environment, or a planet filled with dragons? On our planet man evolved, stories of Adam and Eve passed down through centuries, to create the basic rules for a growing society to live by, to avoid time frames of utter chaos. Cavemen discovering fire, evolve to knowledge of other lands with armies invading neighboring countries to always acquire more. More lands, more peoples to rule and force your beliefs on, more land resources to plunder, more warriors, and on and on it evolved century by century, until it arrived at it's present form. More of the same, but modernized by centuries of governments creating more rules to live by, more resources to plunder from each other, more armies to carry out their missions, along with gigantic corporations in charge of the plunders, the rules set for the people of the land, the rules protecting the plunder of the resources, finally to a point where it slowly poisons the very people of the land by tainting the very food they ingest, causing more illnesses than existed some 65 years back when farming was done by families instead of corporations who pushed them off their lands, the same corporations own the seed companies, the pesticide companies which poison the lands products and animals used to feed the masses. The same companies also own big pharma, who make medical remedies and machineries used to cure the people of the very diseases it causes and inflicts in high number on the people and animals of the land, all for corporate gain, approved by the governments. The rich still get richer, and the people still get pummeled, they think they have rights, they think they're protected, the delude themselves into believing that voting can make a difference, that changing some components in their own government can make progress, the people themselves divide so much and so frequently that their voting processes actually render the who situation weaker, they hide from who has the power, and that those powerful people control the government like the very puppets they act out as. I as one very small component in the universe, like many others, try to enjoy all the beauty of the universe, be it our sun, moon, animals, flowers, butterflies, dragonflies, oceans and lakes, and most splendid at night time, the stars. Most of all I enjoy sharing those things with a small number of humans I call family.

Amazing Gracie, isn't it? Love is all around.

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Many lately. Mid June had a run in Flashes as I call them, Psychosomatic little one liners of powerful intonations for futures, basically they come when I am very tired mentally, that in itself has always fascinated me, why when you're tired? Anyways, I sift quickly and shove them to the back burner, if they await, later then until you slap me in the face. Meanwhile the last week or so has been priceless, so many amazing things to bear witness to, people who love deeply, deer in strange places, or bunnies doing things I'd never seen before so cute that my hands begged for a camera that wasn't there. Love expressed to us by our sons dog have all made life pull into a very sweet spot for me. Our son when he turns around for the goodbye hug, same expression each time. The love and care I feel from my most guarded person is deeply felt, I blow off errands to come home faster for more. What these big and little things bring out in me, finally gets me back to who my essence is, and I am basking in it. I take the time this past weekend to ground myself every opportunity I have, weeding what I will always think of as Michael's garden, main goal to stand up a fallen angel that I brought to Kit several years ago so she could see it with the roses from her kitchen window or back porch, lol. And at home I lie down in the back yard with the pup for several outings, still amazing how the earth can correct what lies within. This all from someone who spent the first 3 years of remembered life playing with earth worms, excavating good sized holes in the dirt back yard of Richmond, finding pieces of coal she thought were black diamonds, filling buggies with dirt and worms, lol, for amusement while her brothers played baseball in the alley. The day I buried my Ma, they lowered her next to Dad, caskets touching, I took off my shoes as the service ended and sat down on the ground, the first peace and deep happiness I'd known in months over took me, a balance found, knowing it's where a good part of her wanted to be, and having seen it though, maybe just the earth and the cycle of life we all try to hide from, I don't really know. What I do know is it's a great idea to become one with the earth to regain balance. And happiness, a deep happiness.

Life is not a bowl of cherry jubilee, vacations cancelled, called to work

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Hmm, every year I try to take some vacation in May and June, just a few days to enjoy what I hold dear, home. So many plans made for what I would do, for the 2nd day of 7 I was called into work to man the office while my boss went for a Stress test, he'd be back around 10am and then I could go home. Not. A day of freedom turned into a wild emotional day as he was transported by ambulance to the hospital they thought for angioplasty or stint, which turned into a quadruple-bypass surgery, all the fears that go with that surgery, and hopes it would go well hit all of us that day, his brother works with us and kept us posted on the progress, the new partners son came into help, he'd been in training to write new applications and try to obtain quotes for customers in need, a stack of upcoming renewals that procrastination still had left waiting until the last minute needed tending, my own duties have slowly gone from being caught up to being behind 1 to 2 weeks, lunch consists of a smoke break and back you go, eat at your desk and keep answering phone calls, and emails. I cannot describe how overwhelming it's been, survival skills long buried re-emerged to keep the dog and pony show going one day at a time. The surgery went better than most, the patient re-couperates, yet having seen him I see the worry in his eyes as to where this path will take him, he's always been very active, walked 3 miles a day, everyday. Juices in the morning, eats smart, no doubt that served him well already, but tires easily and probably wonders if that will go away in time, all unknown. Meanwhile back at the farm as I tend to think of it, people call, make decisions, the next day they call and have you reverse the changes. One in particular gets nasty about a quote for a $3,000,000 dollar house being $5,000 in premium, trust me best quote in the world., people with a $300,000 dollar house are paying $1500. in premium lets really think about that and multiply it out abit:) And then eventually the new partner comes in to help, I am crossed between mindless and embarrassed that he would even want to help as he wants to file for us to free me up. He comes in everyday, and continues to file, would like to learn more of what I do so I can have a day off this summer, I can't even begin to train him as I am just trying to survive and keep the agency floating in daily needs and demands. I spend much of my time making on line and over the phone payments for our clients, writing up renewal applications for others, trying to get it done on time so I can the renewal quote finally, needing to know clients details they give grudgingly to me as they're conditioned to working with my boss all these years, run into chauvinistic moments as I am still a woman dealing in a mans world. Road construction makes the ride home intense, and by the time I get to town I blow off my errands usually run, and head for home and my husband, wanting some sanity, needing to unwind and relax, if cooking dinner counts. Get up in the morning and go back in early so I can get something else caught up on or prioritize some tasks, get there and there's already 10 new problems, claims, more bills,new applications, changes to policies that are quite intricate, sometime the insurance carriers come back with twenty more questions, or refuse to put through the change, and you constantly try to keep progressing. This is the 3rd week of at least 6 weeks re-coup time for the boss. On top of this his house sold and they find another home remarkable far away, and it makes me wonder if sanity will ever come back to my daily life, I need time to digest, my instincts are usually so true. I realize I am very close to melting down, it's already made me crankier, nerve's raw, snapping and effecting my other relationships which I would not have harmed for all the world, I feel a need to isolate myself before I cause more harm to those I love, my core family I was born to could snap and bounce back, but my family we joined together is not as resilient, they can take it very personally as an issue versus a bad moment in an insane day. So, today the shadow will try to ride shotgun for the woman who will survive another day at the ever lovely office, the woman and possibly the shadow will drive home today with some luck, and the child will peek out to see if it's safe yet to be herself or if isolation is still a better choice. I do not want to melt down, I do not want to be surrounded by chaos. I cannot do 8 things at one time for this long and not make a serious mistake, but I have to keep trying and it's thursday....

Burst of Heart

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Every time I talk to my son. Sometimes I am amaze at how much capacity we have for love. First I was amazed at how much I've loved and liked my husband, and the only other one that can entirely still blow me away is our son. Two weeks ago he mentioned that next year he'd stick most likely with the Special Education position he held this year at school, although an English Class vacancy had come up, those classes would be a new challenge, and the classrooms are monitored by your peers on a weekly or every 2 week basis, then your peers tell you where you can improve or are falling short in your skills. He said he'd probably not apply for that even though it would bring an increase of wage. As always his mothers brain pondered that scenerio, and understood where his comfort zone is, and also that any new challenge being constantly observed and critiqued could be an unnerving situation, the back of his mothers brain also concluded that it was great for him to have arrived at a point where he has a choice, an opportunity to do one thing he's come to love and is good at, versus the opportunity to do something he'd always wanted to do, and that was to be a High School English Teacher, it was his American Dream. Sometimes I am so proud of his thinking processes in his vocation choices made all along this rather lengthy road of the past 5 years that I absolutely have trouble containing myself, but do to a point where he's probably not sure what I'm thinking, it's like discipling a black lab, so much child remains in me it's like I want to jump out of the closet when I get happy. And yes, I can relate to his dog, too. So this weeks phone call, he's been offered the English position and has accepted it, High School English, Juniors next year. He's also on an advisory committe that mentors a group of the young beings towards their goals, and his school is all about prep for college. He's coached baseball this season for his high school, up early for practices, out late in the day for games, and double headers at that, giving up sleep and home time which was never in his nature, and enjoying himself and the kids even though their all tired by now, off into the playoffs they've managed to get to. I couldn't be happier for him, he is a good hearted young man, with a very beautiful soul. No manual were made for rearing a child, yet somehow my husband and I were blessed with Justin all these years, he keeps us moving, he keeps us thinking and stimulated. Thank you for being our son, and Happy Mothers Day weekend because we've had you.

A Day in the Life of Sunshine 04/2015

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Old man kept working last night until 10:30 putting trim back up and making a backdrop out of tile for the stove, something was bugging him but it takes him awhile to get it out, earlier in the day he'd been with his dad at the dialysis center. It's a very unique waiting room, familiar faces, sometimes as many as 20-24 people you've come to know by opening an incredibly stupid broken door (should have been fixed some 3 years back), some people in wheel chairs with those insane paced drivers who spout what they think is in their book of rules. The patients are tired, cold, and hungry, needing a bathroom sometime when they finish treatment, not to wait 1-2 hours for a frickn pace driver, anyways it's nothing to get blessings from people there when you help them locate a purse, a snack, whatever. You make many friends, the diabetic patients have it the worst due to all the insane spin off diseases that can sprout and weaken them. Ricks punchline last night was that Ian had passed, he didn't know particulars, just poof, gone. I was Grandpa's driver on Ian's first day, he was originally born in Africa, his mom came with him, a nice lady ( a senior) he didn't know how cold you get during treatment so I gave him my hoodie, we made friends and looked forward to our bullshit sessions sometimes to the point of nurses bitching at us for talking so long he should be in for treatment, when I looked for him last week and the week before I began to worry, oddly enough he also took his Ma for dialysis on M W and F, and then his treatment was T Th and SA. He last commented that Ma was doing better than him. He as a black man (for skin tone)and found that he was turning blacker he came to find out it meant his liver wasn't functioning well either. He had been living in Cali until he got sick 2 years ago, we became friends 2 years ago already. I could listen to him talk all day, I loved his accent, melodic voice and his humor. Some people think we drive Grandpa to treatment, they think we're crazy for staying in the waiting room for 4-5 hours, we simply enjoy our little friendships and people from other walks of life, and keep our man that we value the most there company. As to Ian I can only hope he finds Ron Mays, who was a very powerful, intelligent and entertaining man as well, and kept the corrupter Chicago on it's toes with his critiquing website.

Passing in the blink of an eye

So many underlying occurrences going on at one time, impacting the human spirit, slowly muddeling us as it goes. Bosses Auntie dies from a weird quick infection that shuts down her organs totally, they are lucky they get to see her awake first, she still knows them. She passes, same day a customer passes suddenly, goes in for heart stint, boom, done. Same day we get knews of Robyn another customer friend, always teasing her as she scheduled more jewelry from her husband at holidays, when she'd buy a car, I'd tell her it was time for more jewelry, they were in an accident a week before, got Robyn a chest xray as it was sore from the impact, lung cancer, malignant gone to many other places already, non smoker, go figure! My cousin Anita, Jo's daughter, loses her 30ish first born son suddenly. I feel her pain, no parent should lose a child, he is named after his father, his grandfather, and his great grand father, and was known to be a Irish American charmer like my own 32 year old son is. Last October I sat in Anita house re-united with all of Irish cousins for Jo's birthday party, I met her young charmer. Several others on both sides of the family battle different health related wars, I love them and carry them in my heart as they try to enjoy some more. I wander out to the back yard, Arbor celebration, picture of a McDonald Tree gotten in 1986 by our boy, tree grown as high as the wires off the poles now, giant forsythia bushes planted in 1985, gorgeous, having witnessed much in the events of our lives. And back to Rick's 5 minutes, and embracing all we have while we have it <3 A very favorite writing since I first read it some 40 years ago: A Tear And A Smile by Khalil Gibran I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart For the joys of the multitude. And I would not have the tears that sadness makes To flow from my every part turn into laughter. I would that my life remain a tear and a smile. A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding Of life's secrets and hidden things. A smile to draw me nigh to the sons of my kind and To be a symbol of my glorification of the gods. A tear to unite me with those of broken heart; A smile to be a sign of my joy in existence. I would rather that I died in yearning and longing than that I live Weary and despairing. I want the hunger for love and beauty to be in the Depths of my spirit,for I have seen those who are Satisfied the most wretched of people. I have heard the sigh of those in yearning and Longing, and it is sweeter than the sweetest melody. With evening's coming the flower folds her petals And sleeps, embracingher longing. At morning's approach she opens her lips to meet The sun's kiss. The life of a flower is longing and fulfilment. A tear and a smile. The waters of the sea become vapor and rise and come Together and area cloud. And the cloud floats above the hills and valleys Until it meets the gentle breeze, then falls weeping To the fields and joins with brooks and rivers to Return to the sea, its home. The life of clouds is a parting and a meeting. A tear and a smile. And so does the spirit become separated from The greater spirit to move in the world of matter And pass as a cloud over the mountain of sorrow And the plains of joy to meet the breeze of death And return whence it came. To the ocean of Love and Beauty----to God.

The Tree and The Boy

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Why I believe it was last night. Part of my family gathered, accidentally showing up at the same time. My brother, and his wife who is one of my life sisters, my son and his lady, and my favorite puppy girl, came over and talked, got caught up, and I watched my son tell stories of Chicago life alternating with his gal, and enjoying their stories, I came away happy, a deep happy. My son has always been the one in the family to make my brother laugh. My son gave me a card with deep love shown behind wonderful words, my son loves words and happy a great capacity to convey his feelings through them. I think of Katie bringing "The Giving Tree" to a young child and a young mom light years ago, I think of the journey we've had in comparision to the boy and the giving tree, it's been quite a life so far, hopefully we've more adventures ahead. The tree watches the boy give this book out to every young boy and mom he knows like it is the holy grail or bible at the least for life, the tree is very proud of the most basic lessions learned from this great book. He is a giver. “And after a long time the boy came back again. "I am sorry, Boy," said the tree, "but I have nothing left to give you- My apples are gone." "My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy. "My branches are gone," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them-" "I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy. "My trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb-" "I am too tired to climb," said the boy. "I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something... but I have nothing left. I am an old stump. I am sorry..." "I don't need very much now," said the boy, "just a quiet pleace to sit and rest. I am very tired." "Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "well, an old stump is a good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest." And the boy did. And the tree was happy.” ― Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree “And the boy loved the tree.......very much. And the tree was happy.” ― Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

Life changes, but it always goes on.

"Everyone would have a different definition of what they consider a life changing event", said the shadow, the child, the woman. Throughout, the years I've encountered many, some knocking me off balance for awhile, some would actually close you down abit, similar to this huge snowfall we just had and it's effect on the roads. Perspectives skewed. For me, and mine one shaped up this past fall, and while everything is okay, and progressing with some good shapings, the young woman, now grown to an old woman who spent years of her life guiding, and helping a young man find his path, has needed to sever herself like a hobbyist who cared for the model ship they helped to build, and the day came when you put her into the ocean, cast her off, and watch her sail from your sight, you hopes for her journey sail with her. You find you've changed to some degree as you compartmentalize your thoughts and feeling as they develop. You realize you are not all there anymore, you've been changed, what was once 1 path, 2 path, 3 paths,are now arteries flowing out into so many veins, no wonder the human body is such a complex marvel. You slowly find the path you need to follow and start to manuever it again, to your next adventure in this very interesting thing we call a lifetime. -The woman

Taking Heart in the Holidays

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Thanksgiving Day is a time to celebrate ones thankfulness for all the blessings experienced throughout the the year, and this year was no exception, and we enjoyed our day. Other segments of the family celebrated as well off to different gatherings, one segment at a home in the north, and their own group halved at a celebration a little south. Everyone ended the day walking away with a nice feeling of warmth, and satisfaction of having seen portions of their families, a relaxing meal, and some laughter shared. My brother called the next morning and prefaced he had shocking news, I clamped down on my teeth thinking it would be either his wife or my oldest brother, I've dreaded phone calls for awhile, I am a realist when I am not a dreamer. He was right it was a shock due to age. My nephew through marriage has two sisters, he is the youngest 32, his middle sister 36 had gone to pet sit for a friend thanksgiving night, never returned, they checked on her, and she'd suffered a heart attack, already gone. How can you make sense of it? How will this highly logical young man even begin to make sense of it, his family is a tightly knit group, and she was a lively, fun loving aunt to 3 nephews and 1 niece. She lived at home and hobbied making stain glass with her dad, and provided much humor to her mother. I liked Jaimie. When the kids were getting married, Kit & I sat with Jaimie, the mom, and the grooms older sister at the shower, ours was the noisiest table, we joked that we would get thrown out due to laughing too much, Jaimie was the one who kept it all going. My husband's right, you have the next 5 minutes at best, embrace them, live each time frame and day as it comes. So you walk some distance from the good holiday knowing it will never be the same again for some parts of the family that lost one of theirs thanksgiving night.

The Ripples

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Soon, the fall and winter sunrises here are the best from our home. Homes been a little chaotic lately, not a place of refuge for us as much as it is for a medium sized girl dog our son and his significant other adopted. She is about 43 lbs, 1/2 black lab and 1/2 pittbull according to her jaw bone structure, full of energy, still a puppy in mental habits, has learn some commands, yet her pitt bull wild side at about 92% can be disruptive and absolutely crazy when she rampages, or begins to bite at her keeper, the only way to regain her mental stability and your own is too hang tough with her and gain total control which is not always pretty for either of you, especially if you love animals. What this single little animal has done to the peace of mind I usually have and my concentration span has blown me away this past month. The kids plan to move out in about 2 weeks, they've found their future haunt, closer to where our son works, many mixed feelings arose around all that, some towards empty nesting finally, some towards having grown up in that city, and all it's positives and negatives, all the crime that is so much higher there than here. A new set of concerns emerge, life will change drastically for us and for him, relationships will shift no doubt, and more adventures will develop. So the ripples of the dog and son head outward, and I am reminded of a somber moment in my life when the girl at the grave head stone store remarked: " The only thing you can count on in life, is change".

Our fellow drivers

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" We drive many places, and yet we drivers all end up driving to work 5 to 6 days a week, we are surrounded by many other drivers all conforming to some extent to the land of lincoln's rule established speeds and guideline more or less observed. We will encounter road rage at some point, someone swearing at you perhaps they were speeding and you weren't and their perception is that you cut them off. Sometimes your own driver error, whereby your own brain doesn't catch something fast enough, and you almost cause someone a problem. Other things will remain a mystery, one man this week cut in front of me rather quickly, I didn't honk, I didn't yell, but in my own vehicle I know my face grimaced, and this particular idot driver didn't like the facial expression so he waited until we started driving again, and whipped some type of sheet metal out his window at me and my vehicle hoping to make a statement of some sort, I heard it hit the drivers side of my vehicle, yet it missed the windshield I believe he'd been hoping for. Although these things amaze you a bit, I try to take it in stride. My only worry is for the crazies my boys would encounter out there.

Maria

I never knew a grandmother, So I've only gotten to watch my mom be one to our son and my brothers 2 children, and see Grandma Dolly in action with numerous grandchildren of all deepths of relationship, and observe Alice on my brother side in her Grandma role with yet another large family more grand children there than even my husbands side. When I am at the dialysis center so many of us talk, eventually knowing eachothers stories to some degree. Maria is a kindly older woman who they say is very ill due to too many conditions existing besides her kidney needs, yet she is one gentle woman. I don't know her story, I wonder if she is a grandma, no other family is ever there. In the winter I help her ( she is wheelchair bound) put her coat on against the cold, situate her purse so it close by as she waits for her pace driver. We always ask her how she fairs, "Not so good today". She has what could be a hispanic accent, but I pick up Romanian, so to me that's where she is Slovic perhaps, I grew up inChicago and have heard so many accents, it adds to the mystery. Anyhow, this is our coming and going relationship with Maria, opening a door so she can exist with her driver, well mannered encounters. She watches me with Grandpa last week from her treatment chair, I play with his socked ankle while he and I touch base, he'd been napping alittle, she see the love and care I think, for as I leave the room she stops me to tell me how much goodness I have within, I tell her thank you, she says you have some of God within you, I smile and thank her again, she does a wide sign of the cross at me, I smile again. I feel her warmth towards me and tell her I love her., and I do. As I leave the room & go back into the waiting room, I feel Maria will leave soon. Her blessing on me, and her observations are not lost, I am at my best when I am with Grandpa, and I am completely myself with him, so her warm thoughts were appreciated. I am mostly my inner child when I am with Grandpa. And of course the child thought back to a favored movie scene with Lon Channey as Larry Talbot in the original Cry of the Werewolf, and Maria and her slightly Romanian accent was the gypsey reading his palm and seeing the sign of the pentagram within his palm only minutes before he'd be attacked by the werewolf that would convert him, lol. And I make the correlation between her blessing, and his pentagram, and what his fate was shaping.

A very long tunnel

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Did you appreciate it? Did you ever think expansively of all it does in a day? The man caught me off guard enough asking me if I wanted an updating day off, I usually put in for a vacation day, and after 10 years of working with him, he actually took a guess on what the day is, that's where he really caught me off the old guard. At times I do realize how many shield upon shields of armor I have installed over the smiling lady, sometimes I am damn near vaulted, so as I drove home I wandered into the time tunnel so damn far away and sometimes so near, I can actually still feel it all. Sometimes things occur and you can't take them personally, other times you take them very personally. It's like being on the good ship lollipop one minutes, and finding yourselves plummeted into a dark deep holes of very raw feeling, bottom of the barrel distress and anguish. And it makes me miss my dog, old companion, with her sixth sense. So I wander back out of the tunnel after several emotions invoke other emotions, dust myself back off, throw up more armor, and know that yes, it should have been different, still no conclusions as to the why of how things shape, always a missed gigantic opportunty, but in truth the one did keep our hands totally full. <3 The Shadow

A heroic moment captured for the soul

"When was the last time, you saw the stars and the full moon?" I've no clue what makes one mans soul softer than another. Possibly just for balance. The stories of unkind people repeatedly broadcasted on the news daily that so go against your own morals, outweighing their counter stories of human kindness can immerse you in numbness. Maybe it is simply that all the horror you feel at school shootings, murders of rage, our own governments corruptions, big pharma blocking natural products to promote their synthetic products, and all the doctors who are too lazy to keep up on natural remedies who end up further blocking real progresses in a cure, saturates you so that you truly see the little moments, captured by the strength of the individual human nature of a being. In 1998 we, a small group of women would gather at our park for a concert by a local group called American English, they'd perform Beatles songs, a good sampling of a different time era in our lives, it is always the friday before Father's Day, 2 of the girls have birthdays the same week, so we'd always celebrate their days, together. For one reason or another we've not all made it there the past 4 years, Doris called us thursday night to tell us she was going come hell or high water, she'd bring "a bucket of chicken for picnic, try to come early." Well hell, she brought a bucket of chicken, all the sides, a cooler of everyone's favorite beverage including Kahlua & Cream for me, a table and sets of chair, blankets, table cloth, birthday cake and candles, it was truly amazing. The courage our ill breast cancer friend displayed was immense, she'd had her 2nd round of chemo started the day before, she hated what the first round did to her so much I do believe she made it through yesterday in pure defiance. And so we had picnic, conversation and laughs, as day went to night we listened to the music transported to other times in our lives by the shear memory invoked, we danced, we bounced, we sang. Earlier in the evening our Kelly found me and ran up for some hugs, she's been one of our adopted young ladies who grew up with our son Justin. She had come to see this concert with her mom, they do it yearly, love that girl. And crowning touch on the evening was when my own son walked up for a hug, and to see some of my old real estate friends he grown up around. Doris was in shock when she saw how tall her baby had gotten, and screamed in denial when he said he was 31 now, he gave her a second hug, sometimes he is just so good words escape me. Music ended, we packed up, and got it all transported back to their vehicle, hugs, thanks, and lots of love shared between the older women of 2014, extra hugs of love for Doris who made certain none of us would miss this day. She believes in God strongly, always has. Let It Be played, and she was singing. I believe in the Universe strongly. Across the Universe played and I was singing. All the women pray.

A few days of heart felt appreciation

Recently gave myself the gift of time, some vacation time, broken up into extra days for 4 weeks with weekends to make for a few mini vacations, not going anywhere but having the time to be home. Home is where the heart is in all shapes and sizes indoors and outdoors I am in love with it all. Earlier spring brings tulips, daffodils, that I planted with my own father some 28 years ago, and I marvel that they are still thriving even though he is gone 24 years this season, and forsythia's bloom in the back that Dad, Ma, Ricky and me planted together, Ma naming the bushes the Pa Bush, The Justin Tree, old jokes, old dogs, old glimpses of igloo days, leaf days of autumn float through the noggin. As spring merges into summer I have finally gotten to spend time in the yard, flowers blooming that my own palomino planted for me several years back only makes me love the place more as I watch these plants flower, and get to finally smell their scents again, the child still resides within the woman and actually gets quite happy over these little things. Old black days of threatening loss due to a failed economy recede into a background for now, as we all take a sigh of relief, and actually are finally able to find the light of enjoyment for all the beauty nature brings to us each season. I have fed the vitamin D deficiency the past four weeks with time in the sunshine, and have found I could be happy for a long term working 3 days a week (the child again), but know that can't happen. So we have fed the soul for another round. The chores of groceries, dry cleaners, drug store, banking, and other errands run at leisure instead of the usual helter skelter method on the lunch hours and after work, a few projects tackled, lists of more, give focus to one fragmented woman. Think it was William Shakespeare that coined "We cannot be all things, to all people." A humans we try, yet sometimes we fail miserably, at least in our own eyes. We are still our own worst judges. Yes, this time gave me some peace, some harmony and some more balance back. I humbly thank planet earth and all the surrounding beauty and my son and husband who tried so long to keep it all juggling for a best landing that's arrived. Margaret Mitchell who penned Gone with the Wind, had a one liner in the book, that the real estate world stole years ago for their introduction to any class on it they offered, "Under all there is the land" to them and to the insurance world it means Don't forget that the land has value, also. To me it means home and happiness.

Regression of the child within

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Yesterday morning, a work day ahead, as soon as I could I snuck out back to plant some more vegetables, and even got some flowers in quickly before I had to prepare myself for work, it was such a great feeling to be out in gardens, my hands covered with mud from the night befores rainfall, the small child within was actually well contented and happy, we had a dirt backyard the first 6 years of my life, and I had spent many hours making pretend mud soup for anyone I could offer it to, days of old ingredients for this special soup were mud, water, ugly stones ( I'd keep the pretty sparkly stones (diamonds at the age of 4), and some leaves or blossoms off the catalpa tree. This kept a small girl with two older brothers happy and content. I was very well grounded to the earth, and never one to hate having dirty hands. And so I made fast progress in trying to put some future colors in the yard for the rotation of seasonal blooming, and the child within was happy, and in harmony. Am making it a goal to be outside more often this beautiful season.

The dreamer

Night time, deep sleep, the dreamer dreams. Why we dream what we do baffles many of us, while others dream and talk in their sleep and remember absolutely nothing. And to the dreamer who does remember or wakes with a jolt after a sequence, we are sometime confused, conflicted, happy and yet shaken. Last night the dreamer saw the woman open the sliding door that lead to the dreamers when dressed for company, the woman missing for 12+ years, felt the standing hug, the dreamer asked the woman to sit down for a minutes, asked her how she was, she said she was okay, upon closer inspection the dreamer spotted some skin differences on the older womans face, reached down for another hug as reality sunk in again, and all was gone in a flash as the dreamer awakened to a rolled stomach. It was so good to see you, to hug you. To see your green eyes against the white hair, your baby face. It was so harsh in that one second to know you were still very gone. Eyes tear, love you. But it was so good to see you!

Getting through the revolving door

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" All morning, I'm happy to say. Only twice in my life did I ever walk into some type of revolving door that was the type to hold you hostage, and somehow you just couldn't get out into the sunlight and fresh air that held promise on the other side always within your view, yet intangible as the door wouldn't locate the portal. This week my honey started a new adventure. This week I took a few vacation days and did my regular weekend errands, thinking and enjoying my duties more as I went on a little leisured schedule seems to make it more fun for a change of pace. Also we gave my computer space and desk to my son this week for one my husband had built for him, at first he'd protested being given the computer ( always wanted brand new, instead of re-built), the he played with it and fell in love with the machine. Next we offered him my computer desk, he spoke of getting new, or getting one used by his gals folks that they no longer needed, and then another morning he asked me where I would go if he took my space and desk? That clinched it for me. I may look indecisive at times as I weigh things out, usually involving others I care for slows me a bit, but I am NOT an indecisive person at all, if anything I know I may be a bit rash sometimes in how fast I move on. So Thursday they both came home to relocated computers, and oddly enough that action got me through a revolving door. It made me able to walk away from the last five years, and soundly start a new chapter even as my honey did, chaos be gone. This is a new doorway we've walked through, and the sunlight is right there. Life moves on sometime with or without us, but we can sometimes make 1 gesture that frees everyone to be themselves. It's actually a freedom that now gives him the entire side of the house until he deems to find another dwelling with his lovie, coming soon but he needs more ground under him before it can happen most likely. The fun part for me is it puts me back into a room at least temporarily that was my own office of many real estate years, where my thinking is streamlined and at it's best, and sun light streams through every morning for the days fresh start. One week, and yet small segments of our time came back, to all three. Define Happiness. When things get bettered for someone you love. A Day in the Life:)

Meeting Miss Claudia

Seems light years ago we met in that tiny back room of Starcks Real Estate, so many personalities so little time, we were all rookies together, all sizes shapes, and styles thrown into a humorous pond, and that humor would only grow stronger as we fed off eachother. One odd thing of being there for the 5 years was the high cancer rate in the office, next door they took years to clean the soil on an old gas station so they could make it into something else one day. Voss and I had done our pre license schooling together and then got stuck together again for the post icense training, only to be released into this back room, 1st question of the 1st day "what do we do now?", my answer: "Let's go get office supplies for our desk and set it up". Did it, organized it, okay what now? And on and on we went baby steps, partnering together in our first real estate transactions, her off with her family boating on weekends left me doing the listing presentations the first one most notable, signed contract in hand, old heavy MLS books in brief case, set it down on the guys porch banister and leaned in, bad move as the banister which had not shared needed repair gave way and I plunged head first down the harsh corners of seven concrete steps on this raised ranch, oh my God the pain, the mortification as I was in a shirted suit, my ribs, the bruising, oh my. Not funny then but it would become a featured comical story throughout the years as we all had our own fun starts. Claudia & Rosalie arrived into our back room life next, they also wanted to partner, both had dry senses of humor, upon meeting her the first thing Claudia told me was that this was here way of retiring, she'd keep going for many years, the same number as my own. We'd move from Starck to Abbott to Coldwell Banker together and be each others back up in times of trouble or travel, and I grew to love this dry humored woman. Throw onto that that she lived in the same town, I had the toddler then and she'd help me raise him all the way through with anticpation of what waas next, we both had aging moms, we'd both lost our dads a lot sooner than we were prepared for. She'd never fess upon about when her birthday was, just generically said if she had the card by the 15th it was good, and today our darling facebook finally tells me this is her real lucky day. I can not even begin to list all the phone conversations we had throughout the years as we discussed real estate, my son and the wonder years, the bizarre twists and turns of teenage growth and adventures, own moms declines and hospices, flowers found on both porches to raise a friend up, her sons battles with Aids, her years as a grandma, her times in life where she'd take a fall and land countless injuries measured with my own falls and countless injuries, hell we even have had for light years the same doctor who now retires on us, a murder of one of her friends and neighbors that left her sickened,the Browns Murders whereby we knew someone the victims in real time and grieved for the horrible waste of that night, and last but not least two husbands that had similar personalities and humor. I was the baby in Starcks back room, Claudia turns 71 today, I am now 59 as opposed to 31 then, Voss is 69 now, but along the way we've lost Jack Holding-lung cancer, Jerry Finis - brain cancer, a growth on the outside of his ear penetrated into the inside and into his brain , Diane Zawroski- breast cancer, Fran Polichek - breast cancer, Ester La Point - Lung Cancer, there are several more but I can remember all of their names. So we came out of it with many good friendships, and we always wondered about that gas station and what we were exposed to.

Never understanding the whys

I guess I'll back up a step to monday and my first phone call of the day after I arrived at work, it was a long time client, once an airline pilot who had been married for 54 years to the same woman, a woman who had lost her memories these last 6 years, he cared for her deeply, and became very angry this year but would always generate the anger in his calls towards the insurance carrier who could not seem to deduct the correct amount of his checking no matter how many times my boss & I called them, I finally got it fixed two months back, and now the man is calling me to tell me his wife of all those years had passed, did I need anything from him for the insurances? I tell him how sorry I am that this has happened, I tell him I've been married for 37 years, and I cannot even begin to ever want to be without my partner in life, we talk a little bit more, and he thanks me for my words. Shortly after he emailed me a bio of her life, so I could appreciate all she had been. The situation stays with me thoughout my day, and my bosses day, they've lived near him for years so he's known the family for decades, stacked against my one decade. Now it is the next morning: In previous posts I'd written about two lady friends of mine that made me laugh so hard I always have trouble breathing, sometimes in Baker's Square we'd laugh so hard other people sitting near by would also start upon catching parts of the subjects they are the only ones that can reduce me to that type of laughter. I fear for my life when I'm out with them as I am likely to die from a laughing, breathless heart attack. The girls are both born in June so soon we should get together for our yearly bar-b-que, I am usually the griller, although Doris is the one that taught me to put 1/2 t of mayo into each burger so it'd stay juicy. At one point in time the 3 of us were Realtors together. But better yet friends rolled out of those doors. We meet yearly for a silly Beatles concert in the park that we've come to cherish, as our night out. We try for a pre-Christmas gathering every year. The nurses grown son thinks we other two are his Aunts, cause we were always there throughout his growing years. One emails me this morning the one who is now a nurse after having put herself through nursing school the past few years, she tells me our other friend who remained in real estate now has breast cancer stage 3, it's gone through the lymph nodes to the point that they're doing the treatment ass backwards: Chemo 1st, Radiation 2nd, and surgery last. I think to myself "liars"., my thinking gets progressively worse. I have never encounter an oncologist who could tell it like it is, why in the hell do they waste people precious time with frickn lies?. My friend is in deep shit. She'd be better off if she hit the organic food aisle's at whole foods, bought a good juicer, and went on a juice and herb self therapy binge to try and nourish the good cells., and did a detox on top of that. We will try to see if we can't sneak one more birthday grill session in. Today the child is sad, the woman is angry, and the shadow is trying to get us through our day safely. I wrote most of this yesterday, except for the first paragraph, and I am thankful that tuesday night my own dear mate tried hard to give me some better perspectives on tuesday emails from Laura about Doris which included Stage 3 and Treatment at Cancer Centers of America, my spouse points out that they have a better survival rate than the majority, and he says maybe their approach makes more sense than the one used most commonly. Hope is a beautiful thing.

Being blessed, and enjoying it

I am blessed. I have had a good run, I have had my own two parents whom I loved. I have my own two brothers, who shared so many fun moments growing up and all the strife as well, siblings that know where you came from and usually understand where you've gotten to even if it's not their cup of tea, they do understand and accept. I have a wide array of life sisters who all carry a different color to make up a very cool rainbow in my life. I have a son who has brought me so many years of life enjoyment and various forms of humor, yet touches my soul by his intelligence, his love of music and literature, his love of the arts, and last but not least his love of children. I have my spousal unit who is so much more to me than words could ever describe, he has been beside me for the better part of 39 years, 2/3 of our lives, my young romantic, my very best friend, truly my other half as I try to weigh something out, whether he's with me or not he's entrenched in my brain waves so that sometimes I can't tell where one leaves off and the other picks up the thought process. He's got a knack of reducing to the ridiculous bottom line that can halt me in my tracks. We've been together for the best of days and for all the hardest days, too. To say you love and enjoy someone so much after all this time would be probably be comical to some, but it can actually exist. And Grandpa, he's my sons Grandpa on the paternal side, my husbands father, a dad to many, a friend to many of us that walk onto his porch. I'd have to say that most of his growth came after retirement. So many subjects of interest throughout the years, and now his finally having time to read and delve into all of them one by one, until he found out which ones would keep his interests, and all the sharing of information he has done with all of us who would have common interests. A great deal of care goes into his sharing, there are so many of us, and so many interests intertwined with what he spots as our own personal needs at a given visit, he is our giving tree, and yet as he's impacted us with herbs, universal theories, some religious theories, the arts, books on healing, pressure points, you name it, he's made us into givers, too. And to think we started out with mere astrology so many years back. Now more and more when someone comes to the house for a visit, they leave hopefully with some expanded thoughts, or sometimes with a bottle of herbs and a new found interest in natural things that could replace big pharma in many instances. Each visit is looked forward to, a time for conversation, and some mind expansion our work days don't give a wide berth to, and a deep appreciation for one more day, are some of the gifts that have evolved. Grandpa's gift has been that he's cared about so many of us, and always sees us as our individual souls, and he always feeds the soul. How many people could say that of their retirement years? Yes quite simply, we enjoy Grandpa, and we're still learning. Blessed:)

Defining Happiness

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" A rainy week, sunrises were sparse, but today it streams though our front windows, and I take a minute to appreciate it, to bask in a morning that woke us up, and got us started off in our own mutually agreed on directions. I do really appreciate the simplicity and complexity of us waking, every single morning I reach out....if he's still there I sleep, if he's not I wake, this is my alarm clock. As I get my coffee, I add on that more members of the household are were they should be, and throughout a day I access via media such as face book, cell phone calls or lack of calls what else is still in balance for the time being. Each day is a gift, truly. As long as this goes on we are happy, we being the child, the woman and the shadow of all. Simple, simple. I did think I saw this morning someone with a lighter step walking out the door, he's worked hard and long at trying to get a piece of his own puzzle back into a better place, and has assurances now that his own days and waking should be lighter in the future. Simple, complex, these are big wins. Now we will all be able to be happy for the simplicity of waking each morning, and seeing the sunrise with all she offers us. The child, the woman, and the shadow all thank the universe to whom we cast our thoughts out to. We are happy.

Good Morning Glory

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Well not today, I missed it, this was the day of spring forward on our clocks in the midwest, and this old woman was very tired it seems, so I woke up to full sunshine. There could never be said enough good about the sun and what she provides for us humans on planet Earth, but she does a lot spiritually as well for mankind. Spring items on my future list: glimpses of first flowers peaking through, first green grass, first butterflies, first robin to make my wish upon, first soft breeze, first 70 degree day, cleansing rains to wash away winter decays and bring new life to the land, my list is endless. I am excited for the upcoming spring and all it's gifts. My belief is it will revive us all, and bring us stamina.

March 2014, please come in, bring some magic.

If you're born to the midwest generally you feel autumn begin the last few weeks of August and continue through November, Winter first bites you in December and that is just it's beginning. Snows and freezing rains, sub zero temperatures continue on throughout January, and February. The landscapes can be beautiful, they be stark, cold, and you feel the darkness of longer nights. March will bring daylight savings time back to our lives, and one would hope they will bring thaws of much accumulated snows, warmth of sunlight, and eventually glimpses of green grass. March 1st and 2nd brought us more snow, 6 - 8 inches, we'll decide while we shovel it. This Winter brought the problem of "where to put anymore snow". Enough, bring us sunlight, flowers reborn, birds singing us awake, bring us a colorful world of grass and blue skies, please bring us some warmth. March can do anything she wants to with mother natures, she has a magic wand:)

Photographic memories

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" It's been awhile since an ocean side sunrise, and longer still since our famos Lake Michigan Sunrise, of late it's been winterscaped sunrises out of the front room window, but they are all still splendid, thank you. As soon as my mind wander to the ocean, I remember days of La Jolle (said as LaHoya) I remember being there several times with Sarah as it's a favorite place we love each time, and walking it with my husband and son, Katie, too. Enjoying a different part of the world and the sunshine. Another trip would bring a lovely walk there with Grandpa Dean, who embraces all the marine life to be found in the rocks nooks and crannies, we basked in the sunshine, self portraits taken of our group as we wandered the beaches and piers. And the last time we went it was my son, Kitty, Sarah Katie and myself, seeing it all over again, loving it all over again. There is a healing like no other that comes from the Ocean, Sunshine, soft breezes, and sounds of the waves as they rush in and out, it's magical, it's natural, and it lifts the burdens right off your shoulders. So though I sit here writing in the midwest of winter, I am actually far away at the beach.

Still tripping

Who knows where it all really starts, it's so electric with intensities in everything. The streets of the city, the guitars, the warmth and intensity of finding where you belong. It thrives, you thrive. Time and life issues cast their shadows, make it fluctuate and reshape. Relationships influence, and shapeshift it some more. Despite the environmental pull it has enough strength to reshift itself back into it's core, a very intense, invisible lifeforce that still claims you, and you still belong. It still holds the deepest part of you.

Selfish Acts, and the mystery of why, defying reason

What seed is planted in humans that establishes selfish people? Was it some depravation of childhood, was it always apparent? Was it a gene? A horrible childhood? Why would you nuture it, condone it? Why would you tolerate it's constant demand to be fed? Why does it grow? Why does it thrive on demeaning others? Why would it begin to look normal to anyone? My friend of many years husband lands in the hospital for several weeks, he has multiple serious problems, artery surgery needed again in another leg, yet addiction to painkillers to be weaned off of first, that reared it ugly head after the first leg was done. Amazing she still drives, but not liking winter she has not made an attempt to go see him, nor has she talked to any of doctors. We're talking husband and wife here, 50% = the other 50%. Her sister and kids tell her off about this, and implore her to go see him. Nada. She pleads her case of she might fall and get hurt going to see him..... I am amazed, I have seen so many sides to the "human" element, the selfish side, that I have no doubts why my Mom preferred dogs to most people, it brings back my humor. I've known her for years, I was business partners with her once, but still I am amazed that the seed of self preservation is so very deep. If my spouse ever needed me I would be there, and even if he was pissed at me, I'd stay very near....whether he knew it or not...and I'd be right up those doctors asses, too. Most of all I'd want to assess how I thought it was shaping up for someone I say I love.

Giving Care & Taking Care in the soulessness of winter, January

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Saw several beautiful Winter sunrises in January 2014, glorious pinked out skies, absolutely gorgeous. One look would bring your dead winter soul back to life, and the harshness of this winter has been rather numbing, at least for me, it nearly causes shutdowns in some arenas.... So we share some things we encountered or witnessed as they played out, more to get it out of our system than anything, sometimes simple conversations revive old pains, or things we encounter bring back old ghosts, they are ghosts of people I loved and still miss. I can be percieve as a jerk sometimes and yet it is not intentional, believe me if it was intentional I'd leave no pause to wonder if it had been, a clear cut Aquarian who shoots with her own truth and could leave someone wounded with her words. No my blog is for me to put all my backburner thoughts into some type of order or structure, once down on paper I can move on better. My husband has long supported that this is my blog, I think he actually gets that it is my way of thinking it out so I can move on, keep what's good in life and walk away from what's bad. January 28th brought a new life into the family, no I have not personally seen this wonderful little baby girl yet, I have seen 3 pictures of her. As I hear of her safe birth the ghosts of mom and dad are with me, and Lauren Meghan, too. I feel across the universe how happy my folks would have been for my brothers family. I feel the relief of my niece having flown at the same stage of a pregnancy as I had flown light years before, and the alarm that that fact had caused in an aging auntie, and silent prayers realized that better endings can be had, despite old ghosts and shadows that somehow stay in your mind of self blame for so many years. Next I encounter the old woman lost in the Jewel parking lot, it was the coldest day of the year so far 17 below not including the windchill, searching for the right car, looking confused and perplexed, she's walk back to the building for a minute of safety. I drive up to her and ask what color, and make the vehicle is, she tells me and I let her know I'll redrive the parking and have a look and let her know, I find two suvs it could possibly be and as I drive back to tell her she points behind me, and says here they come, her family had brought her to shop for her one bag of groceries, yet they decided they had time to go out for lunch while she shopped, I was happy for her relief and yet pissed at the simpletons who call themselves her family. I think of my own Mom, and my care of her. And I think of a woman with a faulty memory in a spiral of the family who is still driving herself despite repeated accidents and proof of advanced alzheimer's, the girlchild tells me the state of illinois still says she can drive, and I wonder, will she remember how to get back home? The skill is remembered, but the destinations are forgotten, and many people go missing every winter, my conclusion is anger & WTF? One man at dialysis this year near halloween has memory glitches more pronounced after treatment than prior due to all the fluids drains, his wife picks him up religiously, she ran late one day so he went home with someone else from the Pace Driver system, this scared the shit out of everyone not limited to her, the staff, the other patients and caregivers, it took some hours of worry before the driver finally brought him back as the man did not remember where he lives, thus another WTF on caregivers. The staff is very cautious now about the man, and the other patients also keep watch, did his wife learn the lesson, only particially, she puts it all onto the staff, and still does not stay. Some two years+ we've seen people have to wait several hours for their ride, all sharing the same low blood pressure and need for food, bathrooms, and bed, we've seen other people who ran into problems during treatment need to be transported to the hospital, we've watched security tightened after someone would be lost to a treatment whereby their own relatives would threaten the staff members, we've heard tell of the one relative that came back with the gun for the staff person, and then they rented a security person for a time, this woman has seen it all, too. We've seen people we've known and liked miss enough treatments that the staff will finally tell us why they're not there any longer, dialysis or diabetes or heart having failed them. But apparently shopping is her thing..... And then Karen calls at work, Stuart is much worse, the combination of Glioblastoma and MS couldn't tolerate the chemo and radiation treatments so well, one condition or the other render him without working legs, he's been hospitalized for three weeks. She finds out in this time frame as the kids take over his business that he's done some possibly crazy things, he forgot to pay taxes, she's trying to get it straightened out, he's thrown away things he shouldn't and has started hiding other things in the strangest places at home and at work. She is angry, at everything, and at him for doing this. We talk 45 minutes, my boss is aware of it, but gives me a wink for helping her. I tell her a few more chapters to a story we shared 2 months ago, it gives her perpective and some of her own heart back, she drops her anger at him, and goes back to just wanting some better days for their family with him. I was reared to believe in God. I grew up on the stories of Jesus Christs adventures as describes by other men, they were mostly stories of goodness, and purity of action. Feeding the masses, healing the masses. Too many things happened somewhere along the road, but I cannot deny the Universe, it's beauties, it's mysteries, the opportunity given every day to start over. "Take a sad song and make it better" - Hey Jude, The Beatles

Nothing Else .............."What was that for?"

I think we all have a sunny side, and that we all also have a dark side. I can be a joker, but when I am deadly serious, whoa boy even I can feel the deadliness of the mood. We have a variety of things go smoothly for us, and then we hit the roller coaster ride down, and we have no idea if we'll land safely. For some the economy has had a lingering effect, knocking the stuffing out of the people it besieged. Tough, yet not if you know your bottom line, a capability to see the big picture, see what matters most in that big picture, and to recognize what is bunny fluff you may have grown used to. What really matters to you the very most? Do you know your own self, or do you disguise your feelings by piling crap on them rather like decorations on a tree, so you can't really see the beauty of the tree itself? So going back to deadly serious, "Nothing Else Matters" Metallica and their finest contribution in this girls eyes : Lyrics: So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are And nothing else matters Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know But I know Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words I don't just say And nothing else matters Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters Never cared for what they say Never cared for games they play Never cared for what they do Never cared for what they know And I know So close no matter how far Couldn't be much more from the heart Forever trusting who we are No nothing else matters Read more: Metallica - Nothing Else Matters Lyrics | MetroLyrics

A Cold Reality to the Insurance Agency

I have worked at the insurance agency for 10 years, and in those years you do come to enjoy some of your customers, just as you'd like to throttle others, and yes I have a few I could actually pop through the phone for, one very rude and arrogant woman who always would call, complain in the form of screaming at you and then she'd slam dunk the phone as hard as possible in your ear, she's some fun....she does the same thing to my boss who owns the agency. It is people like her that make you appreciate the others who are calm, cool, and collected, some of them are that way no matter what. And so some you will become more attached to, you have a phone relationship, or many emails exchanged as you go about the business of renewing their policies or making changes to their coverage's. A husband and wife we've had for their personal insurance and also for his business insurance, a kind and simple man, he'd even referred other friends to us who were in the same line of business as he, friendly competitors so to speak. He's had MS for a few years, some new symptoms appeared and he went in for scans, and MRI's, loaded gun glioblastoma reared it's very ugly head again, it is the bitch of all brain tumors. Brain surgery for the Thanksgiving holidays, a lovely way to spend the holidays, they're told it's all gotten out, they do not know it's cell structure as glio yet, the man actually returns back to his business within 7 days of being released from the hospital, two weeks later at the follow up visit with the oncologist they are told what type of cell structure and of chemo & radiation schedules. The husband always handled the bills, now the wife takes over, she's a bottom line realist, we work at making payments and getting some neglected accounts brought up to date, we talk. We talk a lot about options, family, and other friends who have encountered this relentless very silent killer. We talk of lessons learned in life and that sometimes we are nicely presented with "Time to say our I love you's", and other times we are robbed of that, they have a large family, so many different personality types, some will need the time more than others. She writes me this morning that his car and himself can be taken off the auto policy, the auto's been sold, and they know by symptoms that it's not safe for him to drive anymore. I am sad for them, and sometimes I can truly feel others pains. No doubt the business will be next. And on and on....until I get the call to take him off the home policy. Some have died from heart attacks, some from altzheimers, some have been related to my boss like Uncle Roy, one was a contractor who shot himself when the bottom of the housing market crashed, all touch you, yet two of them have struck a nerve. When was the last time you saw the sunrise?

Page 1 of 365

"When was the last time, you ever saw the sunrise?" Too early yet for a sunrise here, but most likely due to the snows, it would be overcast this morning. 2013 has now tottered off to it's magical cupboard, a place where eventually someone will retrieve it momentarily, dust it off a bit, have a memory or two, and stick it back until another day. 2014 on the other is a blank notebook, pages 1-365 unwritten as yet, all of us equal in not knowing what it will bring, and all hoping it brings some great days with it, at the very least bringing more days with loved ones and good friends. Time does mellow us all, and I did seem to notice more recently how much more I value all that there is, an expansive, all that there is, family is still the first priority of all that there is. And I still wish them enough.

The rise and fall of an American Dream

Once upon a time there was a man, the man started his own business, this business grew to be an empire. He had seen his father do, but he wanted to try doing it from scratch, not wanting to ride on anyone else's coat tails. He was a visionary, he had a dream, an American Dream, he was a very fair man who well rewarded the people who helped his visions grow, and he enjoyed the people as his Camelot grew, synergy at work amongst them you could almost grasp it with your hands. Prosperity and Comaradie walked together for good many years, thriving and constantly growing to be more, unti some very evil investor men on Wall Street and equally evil men from our own Federal Reserve brought an entire nation to it's knees, everything grinding to a halt. Banks failed Companies closed Layoffs of unthinkable magnitudes An entire housing market collapse, and with it a multiple of tradesmen, ground to the same halt. As our own prized media advertised on the nightly news "home value depreciation", repeating for months that turned into years, oh yes indeedy they did depreciate to the point of obscene. Jobless masses became foreclosed homeowners, became homeless. Starting over, scratch, zippo, where they'd been as young newlyweds. Others would use every sent of savings or retirement funds they had to stay slightly above the water line. Banks were bailed out, no questions asked. This would enable them to help people with loans, consumer loans, commercial loans. Not so much helping with loans, they did however totally modernize their robotic machines, computer programs, and now you could bank by phone- no easy feat to accomplish but they survive strong & steady. However, the banks did not want to lend money to the people needing help the most. So instead they turned into the most collective homeowner there ever was, holding so much real estate in foreclosed homes, that if they can simply wait out this fiasco called a recession, they will have a very tidy profit in their greedy little hands, profits made off the collaspe of the American Dream. The man with the vision was rocked as well, vast quantities of land and homes given back, given back to who? The banks. He and his remaining people survived to a point by revamping foreclosed homes for the banks, until they could begin to buy homes at auction to resell as some demand came back into the market. And they were sucessful at this. And slowly they were able to re-hire some of the talent that had earlier been laid off, and for this we kindly thank them for their expressed loyalties. He also started a blog a few years back, writing various articles about the slow signs seen of the housing market recovery, some from a businessowners eyes, some from a consumers eyes, but all of his writings contain a very human element in them, they gave us hope, hope that better days would come, hope that we could stay employed long enough to reach a retirement age that is so close we can taste it, and as he gave us hope, we were able to gain some ground back, making 50% less yet supporting a home that demanded 50% more, can deplete the soul a bit, but this mans blog kept us thinking Camelot was damaged, but might after all with time and patience be restored to a doable condition. Maybe it all had too much impact, or maybe there are things we don't know about, the man's vision of an American Dream comes to an end for himself, his employees, countless contractors who work alongside on so many projects, he closes the company soon and yes it will carry it's own impact to many, including the man as I don't believe for minute he wanted to close this particular chapter of his life's work. Aside from my own boss who is the very best of people, this man of vision was also one of the finest employers you could ever want, his belief in the American Dream will continue on through the echoe's of what he started so long ago, as his own Dad had done, and slowly America will continue to repair, especially if we become of a sounder mind than what is presently representing the people, the fragmentation that exists presently impedes progress. Many thanks for the hopes, and dreams, and all the good adventures along the way.